Postpartum Depression

My three year old has not been feeling well and has been constantly crying the last few days. I feel so bad that I can’t seem to keep her happy. However I’ll be completely honest, this has been hard to deal with even more than it should be. It is bringing back memories of her newborn days, when I was hit with postpartum depression. Last night I had a very hard time staying calm and fell asleep quietly crying to myself. Much like how it was three years ago.

Like depression in general, postpartum depression is awful. What should be some of the best moments of your life is some of your darkest. I remember one bad night when I found myself carrying my newborn into my mom’s bedroom and telling her that I felt like I hated my baby. I’m crying just thinking about that. Of course I didn’t hate her, I just couldn’t figure out how to work the love properly. I was stuck in a place where I couldn’t help myself and others couldn’t help either.

I had postpartum depression with both my daughters, more seriously with my first. With her I developed it instantly. Breastfeeding didn’t work out which made me feel like a failure. She also had trouble feeding from a bottle. I was sleep deprived, sad, scared, angry. With my second daughter I was fine until she was about two months old, around the time I stopped breastfeeding. I had stopped because she didn’t seem to be getting that much and wasn’t putting on weight. Again, I felt like a failure. For the second time I couldn’t provide my child with something that should have been so natural.

How did I come out of it? Time. I don’t think anything in particular happened that made everything so much easier and clearer. Slowly things just got better. I know I was lucky, I didn’t have PPD very long. There are a lot of women out there who may suffer for years. I just hope that most women out there do not suffer that long in silence. Women need to feel they can reach out and get help, whether it is in the form of therapy or medication.

I don’t get asked often what exactly I want to do as a social worker/therapist. This is it. To help women who suffer from postpartum depression. I was not lucky enough to have a professional to talk to during this time for me, I hope to provide what I couldn’t have to someone who needs it. I want to help women be able to enjoy the happiness, excitement, and love of having a child.