Smile

My therapist told me that there have been studies to show that putting on a happy face actually puts you in a better mood. He told me to try pretending to be happy more often and see if it in fact puts me in a better mood. How do you pretend to be happy though when you’re depressed? I just don’t see it happening.

Today he again told me that he could leave at any moment. He then asked how I would be able to cope without him. I know I wouldn’t do well. I know I probably rely too much on therapy. He said we need to start seriously working on how to help me, other than therapy and medication. I’ve been going to him for over two years now, and even though he has helped me through my crisis situations, we haven’t gotten anywhere in terms of preventing them. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting his time. I’m not his normal kind of patient. He works with kids with ADHD and is a marriage and family counselor. A young adult with a mood disorder is not something he usually deals with. Why my PCP referred me to him, and why he agreed to take me I’ll never know.

So yeah, I need to work harder. It’s just tough to do. And exhausting.

Anyway. The past few days I’ve fallen out of a hypomanic episode. Which makes me sad because I loved it. I loved feeling good about myself, and having energy, being productive. It was very nice while it lasted. It’s a shame I can’t be like that all the time. I would even be happy if it just happened more often. I don’t get to see this much. I’m just forced to see the depression.

I’m leaving for Ireland in two days for a couple weeks. Fingers crossed I get through it without having an episode. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m very uncomfortable being in a situation where seeing my therapist is not an option. This is just a good sign that I need other resources. 

Past journals

Tonight I spent about two hours reading through old journals. Man, I was an annoying teenager. It was interesting though reading these entries.

They were annoying, but fascinating. What I found interesting was even though I was depressed a lot of the time, I would have these periods of feeling very good about myself. I would be creative, and my self-esteem was at a higher level. There was a period where I decided to write a book. Another where I decided I wanted to be an artist (I have no artistic abilities). There were times where I made very bad decisions. Times were I didn't sleep and stayed up all night reading, writing, watching TV (more specifically Prison Break).

I may have developed symptoms of my mood disorder earlier than I thought I did. How far back it goes, I do not know. But this may have been actually building up over time instead of hitting me quite suddenly as I had thought.

I don't know why I decided to read through these tonight. I am feeling inspired and want to do something creative. Maybe I wanted to tap into my past, maybe I wanted to understand where I came from, how I ended up here. I just have this energy, it's hard to explain.

It's midnight and I really should try to sleep. I just don't want to. I want to be doing something. I don't want to waste my time.

Grapefruit

I want a grapefruit. I can't have a grapefruit. Because of the interaction it has with one of my meds.

I am also not supposed to have caffeine with my meds. I think I know why now. I'm wired.

I would love to do some cleaning right now but I don't want to wake anyone up. And I want to go somewhere, but that's probably not a good idea.

I may just have to do something like watch a movie. But what do I watch? I want popcorn with my movie.

I have this cat statue thing in my living room, and it's very creepy in the dark. The big eyes staring at me.

The ticking clock is annoying me. I have to go do something.

Dissociation

It’s about 3am. I don’t want to sleep. The past week I’ve been having nightmares. Nightmares that just consist of a man’s voice saying really awful things. These nightmares scare me even when I’m awake.

I haven’t been well this past week, although I’m better than I was. I’m not depressed, but I don’t feel completely sane. My therapist said I’m showing symptoms of dissociation, a detachment from reality. I’ve just felt odd. He said it’s probably due to anxiety.

I don’t really have anything more to say.