Smile

My therapist told me that there have been studies to show that putting on a happy face actually puts you in a better mood. He told me to try pretending to be happy more often and see if it in fact puts me in a better mood. How do you pretend to be happy though when you’re depressed? I just don’t see it happening.

Today he again told me that he could leave at any moment. He then asked how I would be able to cope without him. I know I wouldn’t do well. I know I probably rely too much on therapy. He said we need to start seriously working on how to help me, other than therapy and medication. I’ve been going to him for over two years now, and even though he has helped me through my crisis situations, we haven’t gotten anywhere in terms of preventing them. I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting his time. I’m not his normal kind of patient. He works with kids with ADHD and is a marriage and family counselor. A young adult with a mood disorder is not something he usually deals with. Why my PCP referred me to him, and why he agreed to take me I’ll never know.

So yeah, I need to work harder. It’s just tough to do. And exhausting.

Anyway. The past few days I’ve fallen out of a hypomanic episode. Which makes me sad because I loved it. I loved feeling good about myself, and having energy, being productive. It was very nice while it lasted. It’s a shame I can’t be like that all the time. I would even be happy if it just happened more often. I don’t get to see this much. I’m just forced to see the depression.

I’m leaving for Ireland in two days for a couple weeks. Fingers crossed I get through it without having an episode. As much as I hate to admit it, I’m very uncomfortable being in a situation where seeing my therapist is not an option. This is just a good sign that I need other resources.