Pizza

I purposely did not take my meds at my usual time tonight. I had a couple of assignments due at midnight and I knew if I took my meds I was going to fall asleep without getting them in. So I didn’t take my meds until after midnight. And now it’s backfiring. 3:30am and I’m wide awake. I don’t think the meds have actually hit my system yet. And if I skip a dose I start to have hypomanic symptoms. So here I am. Awake.

And I’m writing just because why not? I actually don’t have much to say.

I ate pizza today. I’ve been eating wicked healthy lately and I’m in the process of switching to a vegan diet again (I didn’t want to do it all at once). But pizza sounded good so I thought it would be a cheat day. I ate pizza, half a chocolate bar, and an iced tea. And I kinda hate myself for it. Pizza, chocolate, iced tea. Six months ago this would not be unusual for me. A night like this I could handle. Sure I would be a little upset that I ate so much, but so do many others. However, now? No. This was a huge mistake. Not only do I feel disgusting physically, but I can feel it mentally as well. I cannot believe I gave in and had such food. It’s awful. Disgusting and awful. And yes, I know it sounds very dramatic. But remember, this is what is going on in my head. And no one else in the world knows what is going on in my head. It’s a mess up there. I’ve cleaned up a little, but it’s still messy. Like a little kid’s room. It looks clean but there is still a mess under the bed.

I’m really hoping this is a once off. I want to get back on track. I have my follow up with my doctor in two weeks (where she is checking my weight and eating and exercise habits). I want to go into that appointment feeling comfortable with myself and not break down. I would very much like my doctor to be able to relax a little. And it would be nice if I didn’t have to come in for another check.

I may have had more to say than I thought.

Still not tired. I’m going to go study for my midterm.