Higher dose

I got to see my psychiatrist today. He didn’t have much to say about last week but asked me a few things about my (hypo)manic episodes. My doctors suddenly seem very interested in that side of things now. Probably because I was in a hypomanic state right because the psychosis started.

In regards to my medication, there is a few things he wants to try; a higher dose of my mood stabilizer, a higher dose of my antipsychotic, and a lower dose of my antidepressant. He didn’t want to try everything at once right now though, and said that the priority should be to avoid what happened last week. So he raised the dose of my antipsychotic. I’m happy with this. I’m worried about what he would change my meds to so just changing the doses is alright with me. However, now that I’m really thinking about it, if my meds haven’t helped me so far, is a different dose going to help me? I guess I don’t know what to think about the whole thing.

Nothing much I can do now though, just try the higher dose of this med. Every time I start, restart, or go up a dose of this med I go a bit manicy, so tomorrow will be interesting. It also gives me bad nausea. Arg. Also this med has made me gain weight, I really hope I don’t gain any more.

We’ll see.

The rest of my life

My mental disorder includes psychotic symptoms. It started about two years ago. I’ve only had two major psychotic episodes though, one last December and one last week. The one last week being the worst. I’m not going to get into all the details, the basis of it was that I thought everyone was plotting against me and was trying to lock me up in the hospital (what’s ironic is I ended up in the hospital which is where I started feeling better).

I only went to the hospital because I wasn’t given a choice. My therapist gave me the option to go voluntarily or he was going to have the police transport me there. I decided to go myself. I spent 5 hours in the ER but they didn’t admit me. Which I was happy about as at that point I was much calmer (my therapist however, not so happy).

The week leading up to the day I snapped was a hard one. I was having lots of ups and downs. One day I was extremely depressed, one day I was on a high. Monday going into Tuesday I was very depressed, but by Tuesday night I was manicy. I stayed up all night. I can’t remember what I did though, I just know I didn’t sleep. Wednesday morning I was still on this high and around 11am, I believe, I just…snapped.

When I saw my therapist on Friday he told me we had to seriously work on this because my symptoms are getting worse instead of getting better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few days. My therapist said most likely my mood stabilizer will be changed. Possibly to lithium, which I do not want to try so I’m hoping the doctor has other suggestions.

My therapist said to me that this is something I’m going to have to live with the rest of my life. I assumed that was the case but it’s the first time someone told me that. I can’t live the rest of my life like this, so I really need to find ways to control this. Tomorrow I’m going to try to call to arrange an interview for the DBT program here. And I see my psychiatrist in three days. So I’m doing the best I can do at the present moment. I guess I just need to be happy with that.

I’ll write again after my appointment on Thursday.

Fight-or-flight

I think stress is making me crazy. I’m not depressed right now, I just feel like I might lose it. I just have that feeling. It’s like there is a little me in my head twisting my mind around. And this little me is still me, but separate from me at the same time. I know it that may sound odd. I’m in an odd place. I don’t know.

My cat just ran and smashed into a tower of blocks.

Did I ever write about the time I let my kids finger paint on the wall? I’m looking at it now and it’s making me laugh. I was sitting in my dining room one day and decided that I hated how the walls were white and that HAD to change, and it HAD to change RIGHT AWAY. So within a minute of deciding this I let my daughters go at it.

My mind is very frantic right now. My body is calm, but my mind is like in fight-or-flight mode. Something stupid like that.

No title

You know it’s a bad day when you start crying as soon as you walk into your therapist’s office. I’ve felt close to crying for the last couple days but kept it together. When I got there I couldn’t keep it together anymore.

I cried again when I had to make dinner. I just want to go to sleep.

I hate that I have to do homework, that I have to shower, that I have to read a book to my daughters. All these things seem like too much. I just want to go to bed.

Typing this is too hard.

Q&A

I'm procrastinating from doing my school work. But I don't have anything to actually talk about, so I stole some questions from a Vlog I watch. Hope you find them interesting I guess.

Is there something about having bipolar that you like and would miss if you didn’t have it?

I love the times when I have a ton of energy, I’m motivated, and I feel absolutely amazing. I wish it was like that all the time. I know it’s not worth it though. I would rather not have a mood disorder, even if I lost the “good” episodes.

Did you notice bipolar symptoms before you were diagnosed?

I actually mentioned bipolar as a possibility before my doctors did. I knew I had depression, and I knew I had it bad. But then I started noticing extreme bouts of other moods, sudden sparks of creative energy, and just some poor decisions. I ended up going through years of journals and seeing evidence of these things happening over a long period of time. I shared a lot of my journals with my doctors. It was shortly after this that I got an actual diagnosis.

How many therapists have you had?

I feel I can’t give a straight answer to this one. I feel I’ve only had one actual therapist (the one I have now). However after a couple overdoses when I was living in Ireland, I was sent to see a counselor. The first time I just stopped going after two sessions. The second time I stuck it out a little longer but they kept switching my counselor and I got sick of always having to start over.

What kind of bad decisions have you made?

Ah. Most of my bad decisions have been minor and haven’t really effected my life. The actual bad decisions I’ve made has to do with relationships. Either being in a relationship that I shouldn’t or spending too much time investing in something that was clearly not going anywhere.

Does it make you paranoid to be so open on the internet?

Yes. Although I haven’t regretted anything I’ve said yet, I’m always afraid that is going to happen. I worry about saying something that will hurt my family. And then I’m afraid of something being used against me. Paranoia can get to me pretty easily. I think that’s pretty common with bipolar disorder.

Where you resistant in taking medication?

Not really. I was put on psychiatric medication many different times for many different reasons; for major depression, for postpartum depression, for bipolar symptoms, for completely flipping out on my doctor once. All these times I felt like I needed something to help me. I’ve always been pretty pro-medication, if it’s something that helps someone.

What kind of career do you want and how do you plan to get there?

If things go according to plan I will get my masters in clinical psychology. I would like to be a clinician for young women and/or single mothers who have postpartum depression. I am also interested in working with young people with schizophrenia. Either way I want to work with teenagers and young adults.

Short and not much to it, but whatever. I guess I'll get back to school. Arg.

 

Dreams

I never remember my dreams. It hasn’t always been like this. I dreamt like crazy as a kid. Not remembering probably happened about ten years ago. Anyway, I’m so used to not remembering my dreams that I hate when I do. Every dream feels like a nightmare.

Which I know is not true. I know what a nightmare is. But I don’t like any of my dreams. In the one I just had everyone started not liking me suddenly. And things in it were just weird. Dreams are strange. My work didn’t look like the office I’m used to. My apartment was different, I even lived with different people. And these people seemed to hate me.

Am I scared of not being liked? I didn’t think so. Am I scared of what people think of me? I don’t feel I am.

Both of these are probably false. Not “probably”, but “definitely”. I’m lying to myself. I know that deep down I really want people to like me and I am nervous of what people think. I wish these two things didn’t bother me. I have a feeling that my life would be a lot calmer if they didn’t bother me. But how do I get over this?

I wonder if me remembering my dreams is linked to my mood at all. I’m feeling pretty ok for the most part. I know I had a bad day yesterday, but that particular day comes around on a regular basis and I’m used to it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m starting to not be ok and my mind is noticing it. And then maybe my dreams have nothing to do with my mood. Most likely it doesn’t. But it’s always nice to think that there may be a warning sign that I can be aware of.

On a totally different and selfish note, anyone interested in helping me out please “follow” me on the little box on the top of the page towards the left. The more followers I have the higher my blog is on the list on Networked Blogs. The main point of me writing all this is to get it out there. To educate people on what mental disorders are about. The more my blog is out there, the easier it is to achieve this. Thank you.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep now.

I don't want today

I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I have a reason, but I cannot say on here what that is. This day comes around every couple weeks and I have such a hard time getting through it. Today is a little worse.

I just don’t want to.

I guess it’s good though, that at least I know this is coming. I’m familiar with the feeling I get. It’s not like a lot of other days where it just hits me. BAM! I knew this was coming. Was I prepared for it though? Not at all. I need strategies.

Instead I will probably be relying on Xanax.