The rest of my life

My mental disorder includes psychotic symptoms. It started about two years ago. I’ve only had two major psychotic episodes though, one last December and one last week. The one last week being the worst. I’m not going to get into all the details, the basis of it was that I thought everyone was plotting against me and was trying to lock me up in the hospital (what’s ironic is I ended up in the hospital which is where I started feeling better).

I only went to the hospital because I wasn’t given a choice. My therapist gave me the option to go voluntarily or he was going to have the police transport me there. I decided to go myself. I spent 5 hours in the ER but they didn’t admit me. Which I was happy about as at that point I was much calmer (my therapist however, not so happy).

The week leading up to the day I snapped was a hard one. I was having lots of ups and downs. One day I was extremely depressed, one day I was on a high. Monday going into Tuesday I was very depressed, but by Tuesday night I was manicy. I stayed up all night. I can’t remember what I did though, I just know I didn’t sleep. Wednesday morning I was still on this high and around 11am, I believe, I just…snapped.

When I saw my therapist on Friday he told me we had to seriously work on this because my symptoms are getting worse instead of getting better. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a few days. My therapist said most likely my mood stabilizer will be changed. Possibly to lithium, which I do not want to try so I’m hoping the doctor has other suggestions.

My therapist said to me that this is something I’m going to have to live with the rest of my life. I assumed that was the case but it’s the first time someone told me that. I can’t live the rest of my life like this, so I really need to find ways to control this. Tomorrow I’m going to try to call to arrange an interview for the DBT program here. And I see my psychiatrist in three days. So I’m doing the best I can do at the present moment. I guess I just need to be happy with that.

I’ll write again after my appointment on Thursday.