Quitting already

I’m in a bad mood. I woke up with this huge feeling of not wanting to deal with today. Like I just wanted to sleep right through it. Not really in a depressed way. More in an angry way. I knew as soon as opened my eyes I was not going to have the patience. It was made worse at work. I work in a job where having patience is extremely important. My job mainly consists of talking on the phone, and it was hard trying to stay calm with people. Then I was trying to work on other things and I was having a hard time concentrating as I am still having some racing thoughts. I was just getting frustrated. When I got out of work I thought I would be better. Nope. Not as frustrated but still angry.

It’s going to be very hard to do this whole DBT thing. And right now I’m talking strictly money wise. Between co-pays and missing work it’s going to cost me about $70 a week. There is no way I can afford that. I don’t know what to do. It’s just making me really, really angry. I finally went through with starting this therapy and I am like, 95% sure I’m going to have to quit already.

I’m so pissed off. Other than this blog post I’m just sitting with my daughter watching a kids show. I don’t want to think or deal with anything else right now.

This is my 100th post. And I hate that this is what I'm posting. It's making me even more angry.

DBT and a quick update

DBT is going to be a lot more work than I thought. They are very strict about coming to the group sessions and the individual sessions. There is homework that they are very serious about.

I have to keep a daily log of:

Self-harm

Thoughts or plans of suicide

Binging, purging, or restricting (because of my history with eating disorders)

Substance abuse

And then there are all these that I have to log as well:

Lost temper

Boredom

Anger

Jealousy

Sadness

Disgust

Anxiety

Envy

Love

Joy

Shame

Thought skill

Used skill

Skill helped

Lying

There are weekly individual therapy sessions, weekly group, and phone coaching. My new therapist is available to me 24/7 for over the phone talks, which they encourage. If I’m having trouble I just call her on her cell phone and she helps talk me though how to cope.

The program is based on coping skills and was mainly built for bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And being completely honest, the whole thing scares me. I haven't really figured out why yet. I’m doing well and I want to continue to do well but I’m feeling very uneasy about it. My therapist (or I guess my old therapist) told me if I’m having trouble with the idea of it, think about it from a professional perspective- it’s a course preparing me for want I want to do career wise. So I’m keeping that in mind.

And even though I haven’t seen my (old) therapist in over a month, it’s hard thinking that he is not my current therapist. I can go back to him in six months when the program is over. But I’ve been going to him for almost three years, it is hard thinking about going an extended period of time without talking to him.

Anyway enough of that.

I’m almost done with this semester. I guess it will be nice to have a break, but I’m so excited about next semester. I’m talking Child Behavior and Development and Counselling Skills. I haven’t taken a class that I actually want to take in over a year. And I’m taking TWO classes that I want. I’m pumped.

Further news regarding my little mental health advocacy work. I’m hoping to expand this website to include more than just a blog. I am 95% sure I am going to the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) convention in July. That mainly depends on finances (it’s going to cost me $1,500). There has also been talk of me being involved in a radio show (thanks again for the interest, you know who you are!!). I also have someone interested in being a guest blogger in the near future. Exciting stuff going on!!

My cats may knock down the Christmas tree

I really wanted to write a post today, but I’m not able to do a proper one. I’m having a rough day with racing thoughts and the inability to concentrate. I felt fine last night, but pretty much as soon as I woke up it started. The first couple hours were not a big deal. I was handling it. But then when I got to school I had a hard time. I ended up leaving class early. During the lecture part I couldn’t pay attention, and during the group work I wasn't doing anything. I was sitting there looking like an idiot. So I left. When I got home I decided to take a break from it and take a nap, which thankfully I was able to do. A couple hours later though it started getting to me again. I went for a drive hoping loud music would help. And it did a little. But I couldn't do that the rest of the day.

And now I sit here. Don’t feel like going to sleep but unable to really do anything. I might try to watch TV but that usually makes me more frustrated. It’s hard trying to focus on something with energy. TV and movies have energy. I could try explaining what I mean by that. But I don’t want to. Maybe I’ll just try to go to sleep.

I have my first DBT appointment tomorrow. I’ll try to write after that.

Trigger Log

I took this off a youtuber I follow. It's called a trigger log. And it is exactly how it sounds; a place to log any triggers. It can be used for many things. In this demo I've made three entries; anxiety, depression, and mania. If you are dealing with any of these I highly recommend using this log. To make it easier I wanted to attach a file so anyone interested could simply download it, unfortunately this blog does not allow it. However, if anyone wants one just email me at mnedoherty@gmail.com and I will send it to you.

Interested in being a guest blogger?

I was planning on doing a post about anxiety but I’m not getting too far. It’s something I do suffer from but I feel it’s different from what other people deal with. I need another perspective.

If anyone has experience with anxiety, whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, and are interested in being a guest blogger please contact me. You would remain anonymous. You can reach me on Facebook or email me at mnedoherty@gmail.com 

Facebook and depression

I was inspired to do this post after a video I watched from a youtuber. He made a lot of good points on this subject.

Have you ever stopped to think about how Facebook actually effects you? I’m sure the majority of Facebook users do not think it has an impact on their lives. And for some people it may not. However, for most people it probably effects them more than they realize. Think about your time on Facebook. How often do you just sit there, scrolling through the home page, just completely spaced out? That home page can be pretty dangerous.

And think about the kinds of posts you see. How many happy, exciting, positive posts do you see? And then how many sad, negative posts do you see? I think everyone will agree that the first is correct for them. Seeing all these upbeat posts from other people, especially your peers, are bound to get you thinking of your own life. And then you start comparing.

“Missy and Joe just got engaged… I don’t even have a boyfriend yet”

“Oh, Missy and Joe had their baby… I’m nowhere near having a family”

“And now they have bought a lovely house… I can barely afford my rent”

Sound familiar anyone?

You hardly ever see the negative side of your “friends” lives. And if someone puts up a negative post, so often they will get a comment basically telling them their life isn’t that bad and to cheer up. Well, to those people who do put up negative posts, I say good for you. Keeping it real.

Facebook can make depression a lot worse, especially when your depression involves feeling not good enough, and that you’re never get anywhere. It also does horrors to your self-esteem. My best advice: if you are depressed, not feeling good about yourself, or just in a bad mood, do not go on Facebook. Sit down, make a list of things you can do to make you feel better and do what is on that list. Don’t sit in front of your computer, spaced out scrolling through those posts.

Now just to flip this over. Facebook can be great. Personally I love it. It’s addicting. I have no plans to stop using it. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing to use it. But when it is making you feel worse in anyway, just stop, even if it’s just until you feel better, whether it’s an hour, a day, a week, whatever. There was once a time where Facebook didn’t exist. You made it through that. You have ways to keep in touch with family and friends. But an acquaintance you had in middle school? You do not need to know what they are doing or thinking if it is making you feel bad in anyway.

So really think about it. I mean it. Take a minute and think about how Facebook makes you feel. 

A Reason

A friend of mine had a facebook status recently talking about how there are people who don’t believe there is a reason to cry or panic unless something has actually happened, and that something is only what society has decided is worthy enough to cry or panic over. From what I see, this is incredibly true. I responded to the status with a comment; that people focus too much on WHY someone cries or panics, when really the focus should just be on the fact that someone is crying or panicking. It should be enough that an individual is feeling that way. People suffering should not feel they need to give society a reason as to why they are suffering.

I do not have experience in what it feels like to actually panic. I’ve dealt with anxiety (and recently found out my therapist actually diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, but I will go into that another time). However my anxiety level is not close to a full on panic. So I’m not going to talk about dealing with the panic part of this, simply because I don’t like talking about things I feel I don’t know.

Depression though… got plenty of experience there. There are a lot of people out there who ask why an individual is depressed, they don’t have anything in their life that should make them depressed. They may not always say it, but they are thinking it. And coming from someone who deals with this on a regular basis, I can tell you that a lot of those who suffer don’t have A reason to be depressed. They are most likely depressed because of everything. Everything is too much to deal with, that is largely what depression is about.

What I’m trying to get at is pretty much this: it does not matter why someone is depressed. It does not matter if something has happened to put this person into a bad place, it does not matter if this person feels they are depressed because of absolutely everything. What matters is this person is feeling that way. And that really should be enough.