50th post- delusions and hallucinations

Happy 50^th post! I feel like I should high five everyone and have cake.

Today I am going to touch base on delusions and hallucinations. I know there are some people out there who do not know the difference, so I will start with a little definition.

Delusions are beliefs that one holds on to firmly despite being contradicted in some way. Believing someone is talking about you, even when others tell you that is not happening. A hallucination is a sensory experience of something that does not actually exist. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, something that is not there.

I am fascinated by both of these. I find the subject very interesting. The fact that the brain can trick you into these just blows my mind. The fact that my brain can trick me does not blow my mind.

A lot goes on in my head. I can’t stress that enough. Sometimes I really feel like I’m losing my mind. There are too many sounds and thoughts and everything gets jumbled and things go to fast and I can’t stop it and it just takes over. And breathe.

I’m not very good at sharing these feelings with any of my doctors. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and for the first time I really told him what was going on. He thinks it is linked to severe anxiety. Which is good… I’m not psychotic or anything, which is always nice. He has given me a prescription for some anxiety meds, just to take when I feel I am getting to a bad level. I’ve been on anxiety meds before and they’ve done nothing, so we’ll see. One of the reasons I’m not going to therapy is because I don’t want to discuss this subject with him. For multiple reasons that I’m not going to get into.

I also saw my PCP yesterday. There was a med student who was with her and my doctor said some really nice things about me. It made me feel good to hear that she thinks I’m a very tough person. I don’t really agree with that, in fact I think I’m rather weak, but it was still nice to hear. She didn’t like that she hadn’t heard from me in a while and wants me to check in with her more often. I hate checking in with her, I feel like I’m wasting her time. Actually I feel like I waste a lot of people’s time.

Moving on. I feel I am at a good place right now. I’m not depressed, anxious, angry, I don’t feel like I’m losing it.  The plan is to stay in this place as long as possible.

I know a lot of this was vague. Sorry I wasn’t able to go into detail. Maybe someday.