Self-harm take two- I'm huge

One of the reasons I self-harm, probably the biggest reason, is because of my body. I sometimes get to a point where I can’t stand it. I am so uncomfortable in this body that I need to do something to express that pain. I am huge. I am trying to stay positive that over time I will lose weight. It’s not working. I just feel I can’t deal with this body another minute. I am so uncomfortable. I’m trying to resist the urge to release the pain. I just can’t distract myself.

Short and to the point.

End of therapy?

I am pretty sure I’m stopping therapy. I am not working on what we discuss in those sessions. I’m wasting my time and his time. I’m taking up an hour that could be given to someone who is actually committed. I don’t have the motivation to fix the problems in my life.

Which is funny in a way. Funny in a sad way I guess. I’m working towards helping people in similar situations, trying to get people to understand what they are going through, to accept it, and to get help for it. Yet there is a step that I’m not including in that; and that is that THEY have to work at it. Something I’m not doing.

It’s not like he is giving me tough things to do. Last week he asked me to watch a Ted Talk video he found and smile more. And I promised to follow up on the DBT program. Guess how much of that I actually did.

So today at therapy we agreed I wouldn’t come back unless I’m willing to work on this. My next appointment is in two weeks. So I have some thinking to do.

Psychomotor Agitation

The only way I can sit down to write this right now is because of Xanax.

There are periods where I just can’t stay still. I have to constantly be moving; whether it is walking around, clapping my hands, or wiggling my fingers. I just have to be moving. I cannot control myself. I have a very hard time trying to explain what it is like, but for the first time I looked into these symptoms. I came across Psychomotor Agitation. It usually appears with a depressed or manic/hypomanic episode. I found this on natashatracy.com

“If you’ve ever suffered from psychomotor agitation you can attest to the fact that it is very unpleasant. Psychomotor agitation feels like a grinding of sandpaper against your bones that produces a need for useless movement such as hand-wringing, pacing or toe-tapping. It is annoyance in its highest form. It’s something that cannot be ignored or denied. Psychomotor agitation really takes over the consciousness when it’s pronounced. You can’t rest when psychomotor agitation is present. Your body and mind just can’t seem to calm themselves”

This is how I’ve felt for the past two days. It was bad yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I don’t know what started first, the restlessness or anxiety, but I just working myself up and was really uncomfortable. When I got home I had a Xanax which worked for a while, then around 9pm I took a 2^nd and was able to fall asleep.

Today I got through work pretty well, I think because it was busy so I was focusing on something else. But it’s started to get worse when I got home. I had a Xanax a little while ago which helped enough to be able to sit down. However, my legs are bouncing around and I can’t stop moving my jaw. I can’t look in one direction, I have to keep moving my head around. It’s uncomfortable.

This is different than just having a lot of energy. When I have a lot of energy I’m busy, getting things done, like housework. I keep trying to do things like cleaning or laundry but I can’t even focus my energy on something like that. The only think I can think about doing is walking around the apartment in circles. And that doesn’t even feel like enough.

**I don't know why this post came out funny. I couldn't figure out how to change it back to normal.

  

Happiness and weight loss

I went to the gym today. I did very little. I had no energy and no motivation. I just kept thinking “what’s the point?”. I really feel like it’s impossible to lose this weight. I know I need to work to get what I want, but I just don’t have that drive. Seems easier just to stop eating. Even with that I have such a long way to go. I really wish I was back to the weight I was two years ago. It was the first time in my life where I was comfortable with my body. It just angers me that I’m not there anymore and I probably never will be again.

I know two years ago I was in a bad place. I hardly remember any of it. But the times I do remember I was happy. And that happiness was directly related to my weight. I remember putting on a pair of leggings and being amazed that a size small pair of leggings were too big for me. I remember a co-worker commenting on my weight loss and straight out asking if I just stopped eating. And I remember my proudest moment: when my doctor told me I was underweight. Honestly I smiled. I felt I worked my whole life towards this goal of being underweight, and I finally made it.

But I lost it. I’m not sure if it was medication related. I’m not sure if I actually was just not eating. I seriously cannot remember. The last time I saw my doctor she mentioned that during this period I was exercising too much. I just wish I knew what was it that was working for me so I could do it again.

This post does not have a spin to it. I’m not going to say that I’ve grown, that I’m at a place where I know what I’m thinking is unhealthy, that I’m going to lose weight the healthy way. I would be lying. Am I trying to tell you all something, am I trying to hint at something? Am I almost admitting to something? Possibly. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

This post may have a depressed feel to it. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what I am. I’m feeling a very strange emotion right now.

How family members deal with depression

Depression does not only effect the person who has it; it effects everyone around them, especially friends and family. They suffer as well. I knew this morning that I wanted this post to be about the subject of family members living with a person with depression, however I didn’t know what to write about. I’ve never been in that position. At least not to the degree that my family feels when it comes to my mental illness. So, I tried to do some research about what it is like living with someone with depression. I actually found very little. Found a lot about how to support your family member with depression, but not many people sharing their story of what it is like. Instead of trying to write this post from a perspective that I don’t fully understand, I asked my husband some questions.

Are you able to recognize signs that a depression episode may be about to happen?

Yes, very easily. Overall demeanor is a lot more introverted, motivation to do housework is at a low point, issues about body image come to the forefront, you sleep more and more. Often an episode isn’t far away if I see this but it doesn’t always come.

Do you feel you can help me while depressed? If so how do you do so?

No. Sometimes I try to help by letting you do your own thing. Being around me doesn’t actually ever seem to help. Sisters cheer you up. Anything that’s not “home” works really.  It’s very difficult. I can’t buy you an item of food as a treat because you see it as making things worse if your body image issues are on your mind. I can’t bring or take you anywhere as you have no motivation to do so, and it’s very difficult to go out with someone who’s not interested or down. I feel like people see me as the bad guy if I’m out with someone who is obviously not happy. Yes that’s a self-involved view but hey, its stopping me trying to help you.

How does the depression effect you?

I try to distance myself from everything by playing video games and/or reading. I can forget about everything very easily. If I stop to think about all the bad stuff I just work myself up and get annoyed. And then I bring it out on the people closest to me. I lose my temper quickly mostly when I’m angry at myself for not being able to help. When you are in a mood it probably looks like I’m mad at you – I’m mad at myself cos I don’t know what to do

Do you feel I am getting the right treatment? In terms of therapy and medication?

Maybe the medication is right now, or getting close to being right. In the beginning I knew it wasn’t good for you as it was making you have more psychotic episodes than you had ever had. You wouldn’t remember them afterwards and it made it impossible to talk about them after because you had no reference. I can’t even get mad at you for the things you do or said during the episodes no matter how hurtful they were as I know you were on meds and not yourself.

Do you feel you understand the illness?

No, how could anyone? I know how I feel about it and that’s about it. I’ve been depressed before but it’s different for everyone. All I can do is try to adapt to what works to help you.

Any advice to give others living with someone with depression?

See above answer. Find what works for that person and roll with it. There is no magic fix for mental disorders. If it’s watching Silver Linings or listening to 30 Seconds to Mars in a dark room on your own, whatever works.  And try and make the best of the good days. They make you forget the bad ones.

Any advice on what not to do when it comes to living with someone with depression?

Try not to blame them for what’s going on or even blame yourself for your inability to help. Even though that’s pretty much impossible. Give them the respect to let them find their own treatments and believe them when they say such and such doesn’t work.

My husband was a little concerned that reading his answers was going to upset me. It doesn’t at all. I have more of an idea of what it is like on the other side; maybe that is something that can help me. When I get severely depressed I get to a point where I stop thinking about how others feel. I hope now I can keep this in mind.

Sixty-eight percent of Americans..what??

Soooooooo

Thirty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to be friends with someone having mental difficulties

What????

Sixty-four percent of Americans do not want someone who has schizophrenia as a co-worker

What????

More than sixty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family

WHAT????

WTF??? I don't even know what to say to that, that number should not be that high. I would love to hear from these people as to why they are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family. I want to hear their reasoning behind it. It just doesn't make sense to me. What are they afraid of?

Most likely they are afraid of violence. There is like this image floating around out there of mental illness and violence holding hands and skipping off into the sunset. They don't go together like that. But I'm too tired to get much more into that right now.


So the panel today went well. I told my story, I answered some questions. All that jazz. What was most satisfying was what came after the discussion. Multiple people came up to me after to talk. Some just to thank me for speaking, some just to tell me how brave I was. Then there were a couple people who shared their stories with me. I'm trying to figure out how to put that feeling into words. I don't think I can. I was able to make people open up, I made people comfortable enough to share some pretty personal things. I had one woman talk to me about something she has had to deal with for 30 years, something she hasn't talked about with anyone. It's just an amazing feeling, I don't think I can really say it another way.


Source for the facts above: Pescosolido, B.A., Martin, J.K., Link, B.G., et al. Americans’ Views of Mental Health and Illness at Century’s End: Continuity and Change. Public Report on the MacArthur Mental health Module, 1996 General Social Survey. Bloomington: Indiana Consortium for Mental Health Services Research and Joseph P. Mailman School of Public Health, Columbia University, 2000.

Mental health awareness week

In honor of mental health awareness week I'm going to try to to a post each day this week. And try to include some interesting mental health information.

I had a mini break down at work today. Yeah. I've had a tough few days. On Saturday I got to a point where I physically could barely speak, like I didn't have the energy to talk. Yesterday I felt drained. This morning my head was just filled with such darkness. I just couldn't get these horrible thoughts out of my head. I spent most of the work day fighting back tears, until it reached a point where I couldn't hold it back any more. I just took a few minutes and cried. That's it, just let it all out. I think sometimes that's all you really need. It takes up so much energy trying not to cry, and when you're depressed you barely have any energy anyway. Might as well just cry and save your energy to actually work towards making yourself feel better.

Ways I'm trying to make myself feel better right now. I'm writing, which I like doing. I took my daughters out to eat, my therapist thinks going out with them more often will help make me feel better. I'm going to watch one of my favorite movies in a bit, either Silver Linings Playbook or Pride and Prejudice, haven't decided yet. I'm going to cuddle with my cat. Before I go to sleep I'm going to do some yoga. Then I'm going to listen to music while I fall asleep. My therapist and I worked on this list of things to do to lift me back up and it's the first time I'm actually using it.

Also something I'm doing tonight is preparing for tomorrow. I'm going to be on a panel about depression and I need to tell my "story". I have like 5-7 minutes so need to decide what I'm going to talk about in those few minutes. After the panelists tell their stories they open the room up for a Q&A. Trying to think about what may be asked. I have this fear that I will be asked something and just have no idea what to say.

So, interesting mental health information #1..

According to good old nami.org (national alliance on mental illness); 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder. Is that surprising? I don't think so, seems pretty accurate to me. It's the next part that gets to me. So 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder, two thirds of all people with a diagnosable mental illness do NOT seek treatment. Two thirds. That is a lot of people and that is just wrong. It makes me sad thinking that there are people out there suffering in some way and not getting treatment, most likely because of the stigma.

The stigma around mental illness is unbelievable. It's something that really needs to change.

Depression is hard

Some days this can be real easy to say. It is not a good day. I am low. I am not feeling good. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. Hard to get dress. Hard to brush my teeth. Hard to take my meds. Why bother? They don't seem to do much anyway. Not sure how I'm going to be able to get into my car and drive to work.

Sometimes actually realizing your depressed can be harder than not realizing it. I know I'm down. Because of that fact I know I need to do something about it. This is the part where I actually need to put in some work. Some effort. It's one of those times I need to work on what I talk about so much in therapy.

This is hard. Depression is hard. It doesn't matter your situation, it's different for everyone. But it is still just as hard. Hard to just get through a breath.

Self-harm take one

I share a lot on here. Not everything, but a lot. So I’m going to take a leap here and just say it. I self-harm. I do. Right now it’s not even close to the degree it once was (like taking a knife to school every day and cutting myself in between classes) but on occasion, yes it still happens. I was trying to do some mental health blog/vlog networking last night and I came across a young woman with a history of self-harm. I think she is 19 now and she hasn’t done anything in 2 years. I could be wrong on this. Anyway, good for her.

Seeing this channel got me thinking. I started making small actions when I was 13. I’m 26 now. 13, 26. 13, 26. That is half my life. HALF MY FREAKING LIFE! Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I just stop?

Now here’s the thing. It’s not that easy. Self-harming is bad. Understand? It’s not good, it’s not healthy. Human beings should not feel the need to do it. However. This habit for some sufferers can turn into such an important part of their life. Some of these people enjoy it, it is something that helps them.

Do I enjoy it? God no. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. But I am so used to having it, having it as an option, that it is hard to just stop. It is not something I even think about when it happens. How does someone change something that becomes a part of their life that they don’t think they are doing? Not so easy.

I’m not saying that I’m not going to try to top. Of course I’m going to try. But it is not something that I can simply say “I’m over this”. I have a lot more I can say on this subject but I'll save it for another time.

I also want to take a moment to leave a message for my close friends and family who are reading my posts and getting upset. I love you all, but I’m not going to stop doing this. This blog is helping me in many ways and I’m honestly doing something I love by educating this subject in some way. If what I’m doing is bothering you, I am leaving it up to you to stop reading.