I share a lot on here. Not everything, but a lot. So I’m going
to take a leap here and just say it. I self-harm. I do. Right now it’s not even
close to the degree it once was (like taking a knife to school every day and
cutting myself in between classes) but on occasion, yes it still happens. I was
trying to do some mental health blog/vlog networking last night and I came across
a young woman with a history of self-harm. I think she is 19 now and she hasn’t
done anything in 2 years. I could be wrong on this. Anyway, good for her.
Seeing this channel got me thinking. I started making small
actions when I was 13. I’m 26 now. 13, 26. 13, 26. That is half my life. HALF
MY FREAKING LIFE! Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I just
stop?
Now here’s the thing. It’s not that easy. Self-harming is bad.
Understand? It’s not good, it’s not healthy. Human beings should not feel the
need to do it. However. This habit for some sufferers can turn into such an
important part of their life. Some of these people enjoy it, it is something
that helps them.
Do I enjoy it? God no. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. But I am
so used to having it, having it as an option, that it is hard to just stop. It
is not something I even think about when it happens. How does someone change
something that becomes a part of their life that they don’t think they are
doing? Not so easy.
I’m not saying that I’m not going to try to top. Of course I’m
going to try. But it is not something that I can simply say “I’m over this”. I have a lot more I can say on this subject but I'll save it for another time.
I also want to take a moment to leave a message for my close
friends and family who are reading my posts and getting upset. I love you all,
but I’m not going to stop doing this. This blog is helping me in many ways and
I’m honestly doing something I love by educating this subject in some way. If
what I’m doing is bothering you, I am leaving it up to you to stop reading.
Monique,
ReplyDeleteEven though we were not close growing up, I love you unconditionally. I also appreciate your honesty. It will help others... Self-harming is like an addition; it gives you the release, a calming effect, a sense of control when things are out of control, but we still know it is harmful in some way; that is why it is called "self-harming." One day you will find a way to stop, like the young woman you read about. Once again, I appreciate your honesty above all else, meaning above what some others might feel about it.
I'm your family. We are not close, don't even know each other but I still love you. I remember taking the ride from Athol to see you when you were born and getting to hold you. I was so excited to have a baby cousin. We are so similar when it comes to our mental health. Although I do not self harm in the way that you state you do, I have my own ways some would say. I think think blog writing is not only healthy for you to get it out but it is here for others who are in the same size shoes we are. I would never judge you based on any of the things you say you do based on your mental health because I know where my mental health takes me. Unfortunately, some in our family CAN be VERY judgemental (partly why I stay away). On the other hand I know that some of the judging part comes because it is scary to hear some things and hard for some people to understand why we act the way we do at times.
ReplyDeleteI just want to say i love you, and whether you think it or feel it right now, from what I see of you, you are a VERY stronge young woman. To put yourself out there for the whole world, if you help one persona, in my mind it's all worth it. But most of all, I hope it helps you to get it out.
You are loved. And one day, maybe we will sit and actually talk. :)