How family members deal with depression

Depression does not only effect the person who has it; it effects everyone around them, especially friends and family. They suffer as well. I knew this morning that I wanted this post to be about the subject of family members living with a person with depression, however I didn’t know what to write about. I’ve never been in that position. At least not to the degree that my family feels when it comes to my mental illness. So, I tried to do some research about what it is like living with someone with depression. I actually found very little. Found a lot about how to support your family member with depression, but not many people sharing their story of what it is like. Instead of trying to write this post from a perspective that I don’t fully understand, I asked my husband some questions.

Are you able to recognize signs that a depression episode may be about to happen?

Yes, very easily. Overall demeanor is a lot more introverted, motivation to do housework is at a low point, issues about body image come to the forefront, you sleep more and more. Often an episode isn’t far away if I see this but it doesn’t always come.

Do you feel you can help me while depressed? If so how do you do so?

No. Sometimes I try to help by letting you do your own thing. Being around me doesn’t actually ever seem to help. Sisters cheer you up. Anything that’s not “home” works really.  It’s very difficult. I can’t buy you an item of food as a treat because you see it as making things worse if your body image issues are on your mind. I can’t bring or take you anywhere as you have no motivation to do so, and it’s very difficult to go out with someone who’s not interested or down. I feel like people see me as the bad guy if I’m out with someone who is obviously not happy. Yes that’s a self-involved view but hey, its stopping me trying to help you.

How does the depression effect you?

I try to distance myself from everything by playing video games and/or reading. I can forget about everything very easily. If I stop to think about all the bad stuff I just work myself up and get annoyed. And then I bring it out on the people closest to me. I lose my temper quickly mostly when I’m angry at myself for not being able to help. When you are in a mood it probably looks like I’m mad at you – I’m mad at myself cos I don’t know what to do

Do you feel I am getting the right treatment? In terms of therapy and medication?

Maybe the medication is right now, or getting close to being right. In the beginning I knew it wasn’t good for you as it was making you have more psychotic episodes than you had ever had. You wouldn’t remember them afterwards and it made it impossible to talk about them after because you had no reference. I can’t even get mad at you for the things you do or said during the episodes no matter how hurtful they were as I know you were on meds and not yourself.

Do you feel you understand the illness?

No, how could anyone? I know how I feel about it and that’s about it. I’ve been depressed before but it’s different for everyone. All I can do is try to adapt to what works to help you.

Any advice to give others living with someone with depression?

See above answer. Find what works for that person and roll with it. There is no magic fix for mental disorders. If it’s watching Silver Linings or listening to 30 Seconds to Mars in a dark room on your own, whatever works.  And try and make the best of the good days. They make you forget the bad ones.

Any advice on what not to do when it comes to living with someone with depression?

Try not to blame them for what’s going on or even blame yourself for your inability to help. Even though that’s pretty much impossible. Give them the respect to let them find their own treatments and believe them when they say such and such doesn’t work.

My husband was a little concerned that reading his answers was going to upset me. It doesn’t at all. I have more of an idea of what it is like on the other side; maybe that is something that can help me. When I get severely depressed I get to a point where I stop thinking about how others feel. I hope now I can keep this in mind.