Happiness and weight loss

I went to the gym today. I did very little. I had no energy and no motivation. I just kept thinking “what’s the point?”. I really feel like it’s impossible to lose this weight. I know I need to work to get what I want, but I just don’t have that drive. Seems easier just to stop eating. Even with that I have such a long way to go. I really wish I was back to the weight I was two years ago. It was the first time in my life where I was comfortable with my body. It just angers me that I’m not there anymore and I probably never will be again.

I know two years ago I was in a bad place. I hardly remember any of it. But the times I do remember I was happy. And that happiness was directly related to my weight. I remember putting on a pair of leggings and being amazed that a size small pair of leggings were too big for me. I remember a co-worker commenting on my weight loss and straight out asking if I just stopped eating. And I remember my proudest moment: when my doctor told me I was underweight. Honestly I smiled. I felt I worked my whole life towards this goal of being underweight, and I finally made it.

But I lost it. I’m not sure if it was medication related. I’m not sure if I actually was just not eating. I seriously cannot remember. The last time I saw my doctor she mentioned that during this period I was exercising too much. I just wish I knew what was it that was working for me so I could do it again.

This post does not have a spin to it. I’m not going to say that I’ve grown, that I’m at a place where I know what I’m thinking is unhealthy, that I’m going to lose weight the healthy way. I would be lying. Am I trying to tell you all something, am I trying to hint at something? Am I almost admitting to something? Possibly. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

This post may have a depressed feel to it. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what I am. I’m feeling a very strange emotion right now.