Try again

I’ve tried taking Intro to Philosophy three times now. The first time I dropped the class after a couple weeks. I was taking five classes which turned out to be way too many at that time, so a couple had to go. And Philosophy was one of them. Then I took it over the summer. I hated it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t do well. I fell behind very quickly. I actually took an incomplete and finished turning in my work a couple months later. And I failed. Which was hard to deal with but I also wasn’t surprised. My head wasn’t in it. I was having a rocky time during the summer. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. And I often felt like there was no point. There was a lot of negativity. I never fully enjoy summer in general because of it being hot and having to wear less layers. Nothing to hide behind. Like all summers I was incredibly uncomfortable. And it spread to all aspects of my life.

Fast forward. I am taking the class once again. I am actually enjoying it. I am taking more classes now than during the summer but I’m still handling it better. I am more stable than I was during the summer.

I just wanted to give you an example. Something so easy, so enjoyable, can be completely turned around when you are struggling mentally. If anyone of you are going through a rocky period and are struggling with something, try again. Don’t give up.

What do I want to do?

I’m taking a counseling skills class. I’m not enjoying it like I thought I would. The only thing that it’s really doing is putting me in a negative state of mind. I went into school to become a therapist specializing in postpartum depression. That was my end goal. I was positive that was what I wanted to do. This class is making me rethink that. It is showing me how uncomfortable I am in a one-on-one situation. If I am at a party and I am speaking to someone I barely know, or don’t know at all, it makes me very uncomfortable. For this class we’ve had to do counseling interviews, one with someone we knew and one with someone we’ve never met. I was nervous leading up to the interviews, I was nervous during the interviews, and I was upset after the interviews. This class is really starting to change my mind of what I want to do.

Now, for this class we also have to do a 45 minute group session. Mine is next week. I can’t wait. I’m loving the preparation I’m doing, I think I’m going to have fun during the session, and I think I’m going to feel good afterwards. In the past year I’ve been a guest speaker for an abnormal psych class, and I’ve been on a panel in front of 50-60 people. I was completely comfortable. I think I would be comfortable speaking in front of hundreds. I would love to be a speaker to a high school talking about mental health. I see that as fun. I feel so good about that, why am I so uncomfortable speaking to a single person? I really don’t know. If anyone understands this please let me know because I have no clue.

I really want to help parents with postpartum depression. I thought that is what I would be good at. This counseling class is starting to change my mind about what I want to do.

Three month weight check

I had my three month weight/eating check. Didn’t go great. When my doctor first asked me how I was I told her I was very tired and that I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s been taking hours to fall asleep (last night I didn’t get to sleep until 5am). I adjusted my schedule slightly but I still should be able to fall asleep quicker. She asked if there was a chance I was manic. Yeah, no. That I am sure of. She advised me to start taking benadryl and if that doesn’t work she will prescribe me something.

I was weighed which instantly put me in a bad mood. I lost barely anything since I last saw her. It’s frustrating because in the past if I was eating the same kind of diet that I’m eating now, I would actually lose something. I cannot get across how uncomfortable I am in this body. It hurts. I hurt. I can’t stand it. It hurts. I can’t say that enough.

We talked about that, how bad it was for me at this present time. She asked me what my ideal weight would be and I was completely honest. It is higher than what I got down to 2 ½ years ago so I think it’s fair. She does not. She thinks I only have to lose another 10 pounds to be where she feels I should be. We did a compromise and chose a goal weight that she feels is safe. Not that it matters. I’m not losing anything anyway. She did what she normally does at these appointments and spent some time trying to get it in my head that what I see is not correct. She said I’m at a healthy weight. I think I’m overweight. Even if I’m not technically overweight, I look strange and awkward.

I was shaky the whole appointment but I kept it together for a while. Until she said something that I’ve been told before by my therapist, and I know it’s possible in the back of my mind. The weight I’m at now, may be my new set weight. That’s when I started to cry. The idea of this being my new proper weight… I can’t bare it.

I know that I’m not doing all I can. I’ve pretty much stopped exercising because I have so much school work and I need to put all my spare time into this. It needs to be a priority. I only have six weeks left. After that I’ll be able to exercise a lot more. Unfortunately it will pretty much be almost summer so I won’t lose the weight I wanted in time for the warm weather.  

For anyone who is comfortable in their body. Anyone who can accept that their body is their own, it is the body they were born with and the body they are supposed to have: Be thankful. There are people out there with pain and who are unbearably uncomfortable . Completely trapped in a body that they feel is incorrect for them.

Which is worse: hallucinations or delusions?

Delusions are beliefs that one holds on to firmly despite being contradicted in some way. Believing someone is talking about you, even when others tell you that is not happening. A hallucination is a sensory experience of something that does not actually exist. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, something that is not there.

I was asked which I thought was worse: delusions or hallucinations.

Delusions.

I am sure this differs among those who have experienced both. And I understand why someone would say hallucinations. It really comes down to exactly what that person experienced. For me it’s delusions.

Can hallucinations be scary? Of course. Seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling something that is not really there is a huge deal especially to someone who has never experienced this before. You wonder why it is happening and when it is going to stop. Will it go away on its own or should I get some medical help. Am I crazy?

For me hallucinations were scary at first, but honestly not that bad. I guess I already felt “crazy’ so throwing this in didn’t surprise me. I was concerned yes. The little noises I started to hear, I knew they weren’t normal or good. However I didn’t feel they were a big deal and even worth mentioning. I never told anyone for a long time, and when I did I didn’t make a big deal about it. The two times I heard actual voices took me a while before I realized they were hallucinations. And I was not scared. I was annoyed. The reason why I didn’t realize at first what they were was that I was delusional. I did not realize they were hallucinations. To me they were completely normal. Thinking that there were mice talking about me, or people warning me that others were plotting against me, they were completely real in my mind.

To me delusions are not just worse, they are not just scary, they are terrifying. While I was experiencing this I didn’t realize that I was. I was gone. Completely checked out of reality. What is terrifying is when I “woke up”. What just happened? I barely remembered anything. I lost control, that much I knew. Would it happen again? It’s terrifying.

I did a quick look on Google to see if I could find someone who was answering the same question. I couldn’t find anything on my first go. I might do some more in depth research because I am really curious on what others think.

Pizza

I purposely did not take my meds at my usual time tonight. I had a couple of assignments due at midnight and I knew if I took my meds I was going to fall asleep without getting them in. So I didn’t take my meds until after midnight. And now it’s backfiring. 3:30am and I’m wide awake. I don’t think the meds have actually hit my system yet. And if I skip a dose I start to have hypomanic symptoms. So here I am. Awake.

And I’m writing just because why not? I actually don’t have much to say.

I ate pizza today. I’ve been eating wicked healthy lately and I’m in the process of switching to a vegan diet again (I didn’t want to do it all at once). But pizza sounded good so I thought it would be a cheat day. I ate pizza, half a chocolate bar, and an iced tea. And I kinda hate myself for it. Pizza, chocolate, iced tea. Six months ago this would not be unusual for me. A night like this I could handle. Sure I would be a little upset that I ate so much, but so do many others. However, now? No. This was a huge mistake. Not only do I feel disgusting physically, but I can feel it mentally as well. I cannot believe I gave in and had such food. It’s awful. Disgusting and awful. And yes, I know it sounds very dramatic. But remember, this is what is going on in my head. And no one else in the world knows what is going on in my head. It’s a mess up there. I’ve cleaned up a little, but it’s still messy. Like a little kid’s room. It looks clean but there is still a mess under the bed.

I’m really hoping this is a once off. I want to get back on track. I have my follow up with my doctor in two weeks (where she is checking my weight and eating and exercise habits). I want to go into that appointment feeling comfortable with myself and not break down. I would very much like my doctor to be able to relax a little. And it would be nice if I didn’t have to come in for another check.

I may have had more to say than I thought.

Still not tired. I’m going to go study for my midterm.

Bad student, anxiety, Xanax, depression, boxes. Great title isn't it?

I’m a bad student. I should be doing school work. However it is spring break and I also got five assignments back in the last three days and they were all A’s. Soooo, I’m taking a couple days off. It means working a lot more to make up for these days. But oh well!

I feel really on edge. I keep being hit by an anxiety feeling for no reason. It doesn’t last long, usually not more than 30/45 minutes. And I really do not know where it’s coming from. I will feel fine and all of a sudden my heart rate goes up, I feel dizzy, and just very panicky. It’s strange. It’s happened before, but still strange. Maybe I’m worrying about something that I don’t realize I’m worrying about. But I’m also getting anxiety from small things. My husband was watching The Walking Dead last night and even though I wasn’t actually watching (I was internet shopping), I still felt anxious about this show.

And even though I keep having these mini anxiety episodes, each time they happen I don’t feel like it’s something that is going to go away in half an hour. I pace the house in a panic trying to ignore my Xanax yelping at me from my purse. I hate taking Xanax. I still take it once in a while, but I hate the stuff. Better than Ativan though, which I had a very love/hate relationship with. People, if you can avoid taking these medications just stay away from them.

Saying that is really going against how I usually feel and voice my opinion. They are bad news for me, but if they help you and you can handle them, do what’s best for you. In general I try not to tell people to do something, or take something, that has worked for me in the past. Or to stay away from something that didn’t work for me. What works for some people may not work for others. That’s really what I should have said above. I could have erased and edited what I wrote previously, but I try not to do that on this blog.

Anyway. I’m just now wondering if my anxiety is trying to be full on anxiety but I’m doing things to tame it. Does that make sense? I’ve been exercising really well, I’ve been eating a very good diet (at least compared to the past). I’m doing things like listening to music I like (instead of whatever is playing on the Disney Channel). I’m watching old shows I used to be crazy about. I’m sure all these things are really helping me, and possibly kicking the anxiety away.

If these things are helping with anxiety, they will possibly help with depression. I wrote in a post, possibly my last post, that I needed to start doing things to help my depression. One of the things my therapist urged me to do was make an “in case of emergency box” (it doesn’t actually have to be a box). Basically I would put in a box, or make a list (or both), of things that could help me feel better. Movies, CDs, a nice smelling lotion, names of people to hang out with. You get the idea. Like everything else my therapist suggested I did not do this. I wish I could say I’ve been working on this idea for a while, in fact I only thought about it two minutes ago. But I think I’ll do both. I’ll make a box and put in things like lotions, books, magazines, CDs, maybe chocolate, and then make a list of other things that can help.

There is a good chance that I won’t do this any time soon. My aim is for my husband to read this and push me to do it.

I’m running out of things to say. And I’m multitasking this with watching YouTube. So I’m going to go and focus on that.

Geodon is making me sleeppppyyyyy

I get very tired, pretty much every day around 11am and then around 9pm. Like extremely tired. I fell asleep in the library today at about 11:30am. Most nights I can’t make it past 10pm. It just really hit me that it is the Geodon I’m taking (the antipsychotic). I take it most mornings around 8am and then in the evenings around 5-6pm. I did a little research online and found some reporting the same problem, that they get unbelievably exhausted a few hours after taking this medication.

Night time is not a huge problem. I do need to stay up later for school work though. So I’m going to start taking it later at night. Simple fix. Mornings are going to be tough. The obvious solution is caffeine, but I hate coffee and I gave up soda. I can drink tea but there is not much caffeine there. I may have to bring soda back. It did always help wake me up. Maybe diet soda won’t make me feel that bad about drinking it again. If anyone has any ideas PLEASE share. If there is a coffee out there that does not taste too coffee-like, please let me know. I’m desperate. I have no intention of going off the medication but I seriously have trouble functioning because I get so exhausted. And I hate that I’m considering caffeine because caffeine is not good, especially with these types of medication. I just don’t know what to do.

Before anyone suggests it, taking both doses at night is not an option. The medication does not stay in your system that long. Also if I skip a dose I start having manic symptoms. This makes me forget my next dose and then things get a lot worse. So I need to take this both mornings and at night.

Moving on. I’m feeling much better than I did last week. After a couple days of a depression hangover I snapped back and have been feeling fine since. I really should accept that this is probably the best it can get in terms of medication. I shouldn’t try changing anything because of a side effect that I could live with. Acne sucks, but at least I’m stable. For the most part.

I need to focus on the next step of treatment. The medication is helping enough so that I can function while depressed, and the hypomania has pretty much disappeared. So next I need to work on ways to cope when I am depressed. The medication is not going to take care of it completely, I’m going to have to put some work into it. I also don’t want to rely on weekly therapy. At this point I should be able to have ways to cope myself.

So that is my mission. To start finding ways to cope. Everything my therapist has discussed with me in the past three years… I need to actually try them.