Three month weight check

I had my three month weight/eating check. Didn’t go great. When my doctor first asked me how I was I told her I was very tired and that I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s been taking hours to fall asleep (last night I didn’t get to sleep until 5am). I adjusted my schedule slightly but I still should be able to fall asleep quicker. She asked if there was a chance I was manic. Yeah, no. That I am sure of. She advised me to start taking benadryl and if that doesn’t work she will prescribe me something.

I was weighed which instantly put me in a bad mood. I lost barely anything since I last saw her. It’s frustrating because in the past if I was eating the same kind of diet that I’m eating now, I would actually lose something. I cannot get across how uncomfortable I am in this body. It hurts. I hurt. I can’t stand it. It hurts. I can’t say that enough.

We talked about that, how bad it was for me at this present time. She asked me what my ideal weight would be and I was completely honest. It is higher than what I got down to 2 ½ years ago so I think it’s fair. She does not. She thinks I only have to lose another 10 pounds to be where she feels I should be. We did a compromise and chose a goal weight that she feels is safe. Not that it matters. I’m not losing anything anyway. She did what she normally does at these appointments and spent some time trying to get it in my head that what I see is not correct. She said I’m at a healthy weight. I think I’m overweight. Even if I’m not technically overweight, I look strange and awkward.

I was shaky the whole appointment but I kept it together for a while. Until she said something that I’ve been told before by my therapist, and I know it’s possible in the back of my mind. The weight I’m at now, may be my new set weight. That’s when I started to cry. The idea of this being my new proper weight… I can’t bare it.

I know that I’m not doing all I can. I’ve pretty much stopped exercising because I have so much school work and I need to put all my spare time into this. It needs to be a priority. I only have six weeks left. After that I’ll be able to exercise a lot more. Unfortunately it will pretty much be almost summer so I won’t lose the weight I wanted in time for the warm weather.  

For anyone who is comfortable in their body. Anyone who can accept that their body is their own, it is the body they were born with and the body they are supposed to have: Be thankful. There are people out there with pain and who are unbearably uncomfortable . Completely trapped in a body that they feel is incorrect for them.