Dreading my next appointment

I was supposed to have a therapy appointment today. I of course found out it was cancelled last minute. Luckily I wasn’t looking forward to that appointment anyway. See, I haven’t seen, or even talked to my therapist since before my episode last week. I’m sure at some point I’m going to want to dive into this and take a deeper look at what happened, but not now. In fact probably not anytime soon. And that’s what my next therapy appointment is going to be about. This doctor is good at his job, and even more than that he is good for me. I value what he thinks and what he has to say. However, I’m just not in the mood to have a professional weigh in on this. I don’t really want to talk about amnesia, delusions, and hallucinations.

My therapist did call me and we spoke briefly over the phone. We didn’t go into any details, he just asked the basic “are you stable now” questions to make sure I was going to make it until our next appointment in 1 ½ weeks. I told him I would be fine. He pretty much ignored me and told me that I am “on top of the waiting list for an appointment”.

I’m always on the top of the waiting list and have been for a long time. I never asked him why I’m there. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I could be in crisis at any sudden moment. I get calls all the time from reception staff asking if I need to come in.  It’s like in a way they care. It’s nice to have that feeling from your doctors.

I’m getting tried so have to wrap things up. The last thing I want to leave with you is the thoughts currently in my head. If I don’t want to talk about last week with my doctor, what do I want to talk about? I can’t think of anything, so maybe I have to prepare to deal with talking about what happened. Now, how do I become comfortable with that?