My overdoses

This is one of those posts that could get me in trouble. So sorry in advanced.

I did a post about six weeks ago where I mentioned a couple overdoses. Two people came to me asking me about them. I had to spend some time thinking about if I was going to talk about this or not.

My first overdose was when I was 18. It was barely an overdose. I didn’t take much and ended up just sleeping it off. I think it was more of a cry for help than anything else. My second overdose was about a year later and took place over a couple days. Instead of taking a bunch of pills at once, I spent 2-3 days not eating or drinking anything, just popped pills. Thinking back it’s hard for me to say that I was actually trying to kill myself, it was more of an experiment of how far I could push it. It was almost like it was out of boredom. I talked about this recently with my therapist who said it was like a suicidal Russian roulette.

I don’t remember much of those days. It just got to a point where I decided it was time to stop and go to the hospital. They ran some tests and then admitted me for liver damage. My first night was hard, all I did was cry. The next morning I snapped. I couldn’t stay still in my bed any longer. I couldn’t stay in that hospital any longer. I was yelling at staff telling them to take out my IV. They eventually took it out only because I tried taking it out myself. I signed myself out against medical advice and went home.

I didn’t last long at home. I started feeling really awful. I tried watching TV to keep myself busy, but physically I wasn’t doing too well. This may sound a bit dramatic, but I felt like I was dying. I ended back at the hospital a few hours later.

As far as I know, only two people know the full details of this (up until now).

Afterwards I was referred to counselling, but hated it. They kept switching me around to different counselors and I would always have to start at the beginning. I stopped going. Thankfully nothing like this has happened since. I don’t feel like it would ever happen again.

I felt like it’s really been the last 2-3 years where I have started to come unraveled, I forget about these older events. I should have worked harder at getting help when I was younger. Maybe things would have turned out differently.