And it keeps going

I thought I was in the all clear. I was fine during the day. But then, completely out of nowhere I started crying at dinner because my daughters wouldn’t eat. Since then I’ve cried because I dropped something, because it was taking forever for the girls to get their pajamas on, because I had to clean the cat litter. My daughters are in bed now. I don’t want to go to sleep. But I sat on the couch for about 20 minutes just doing nothing because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I decided to write. I don’t know what I’m going to do after. I don’t feel like concentrating on anything, I don’t feel like thinking. But I don’t want to sleep.

I really don’t understand why I don’t want to sleep. My mind and body are completely against sleep right now. But I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get it. It’s a very strange feeling.  

Part of me is thinking I should just go to sleep. It’s probably my best option. But then part of me is like “no, you don’t want to do that”. I’m just going to put the TV on. Maybe it will distract me from myself.

Still in an episode

I’m still in an episode. Yesterday I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. I spent an hour trying to move. Finally I was able to sit up, but as soon as I did I started crying. I struggled most of the day but really pushed myself. In the evening I started feeling better. I exercised, then spent a few hours on the couch watching TV. Around midnight I had an overwhelming urge to wash all our floors. I knew doing so wasn’t good. But thinking about not washing the floors made me start to cry. I went to bed and with the help of my husband and some rain sounds I got on Youtube I fell asleep.

This morning I woke up fine. Got out of the house which was fun. I was tired so took a long nap. Woke up fine, and a half hour later I got quite down again. I also have a ton of energy but I’m unable to focus enough on one thing at a time. I have made a list of simple things to do for the rest of the night. Writing, pilates, some light house work, watching TV. Just trying to find a good balance.

This is new for me. Being so aware of what is going on during an episode. Everything is clear. I’m not confused. However, because of being so aware, I’m aware of how exhausting it is trying to work through it. I don’t know how much longer this is going to last. Hypomanic episodes for me usually don’t last longer than four days. Depressive episodes usually last over a week. A mixed episode I really have no idea when it is going to end.

Ready to pull my hair out

My mind is so all over the place right now. My emotions have gone haywire. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream. I want to sleep, I want to do things. I’m just a mess right now.

I’m really pushing myself. I’m doing everything I can to keep myself balanced. When I just want to curl up in bed and sleep, I keep myself busy with small, simple tasks. When I feel like I need to do a thousand things at once I’m holding back and trying to do one small thing at a time. It’s a lot harder than it sounds.

I was depressed most of yesterday, around 4pm I flipped and suddenly had to organize our bathroom, and take everything out of our fridge and clean it. I planned the next five years of my life. I had school and vacations planned out, I know in the summer of 2020 we are going to buy a house. I had to bake brownies at midnight. I found an internet game and spent 2 hours trying to get past one simple part and finally pushed myself to go to sleep at 2am. I woke up this morning depressed. Really pushed myself to keep going. A couple hours ago I picked up my laptop and started job hunting. For jobs I know I’m not qualified and ready for. I spent more time figuring out details for the next five years. I have a list of every little small thing I want to do. I decided I wanted to dye my hair now. I had a mini panic attack because I’m not able to dye my hair RIGHT NOW. Now I’m lying on my couch trying to find the will to stand up. Just stand up. That’s all I have to do right now. I feel if I move I may start crying.

I'm depressed

I’m depressed. It started yesterday. Throughout the day I had little patience. Got frustrated easily. I was very teary by the end of the day. Had no energy to do anything. Fell asleep in a messy house, in my gross exercise clothes. When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to move a muscle. I wanted to stay right where I was. It was too hard. I had a hard time, still having a hard time, thinking about today and what I need to do. I need to bring my daughters to school and pick them up. I should shower at some point. I’ll need to make lunch and dinner. I should do some cleaning. Seems tough. I really should go to the gym, but that seems really hard. However, I’ve been exercising really well the past week. The guilt I’ll feel from skipping a day might be too much.

Yes, I’d feel guilty. I have no medium. I either don’t exercise at all or I exercise too much.

Anyway. This is the first time I’ve actually been depressed since starting my new medication. Which sucks. I knew it wasn’t going to cure me completely. That’s not possible. I’m always going to have intense ups and downs. But medication should make these moods less extreme. I’m hoping this doesn’t go much further than it is already. To the point where I’m not completely in reality. I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m still thinking very clearly.

So, I’m going back to bed for a half hour. Then I will hopefully be able to face the day.

My experience with psychosis

“I ate the laughing bagel. I didn’t want it to talk and laugh anymore. So I thought eating it would shut it up. But now it’s laughing at me in my stomach”.

I found this in one of my journals from the fall of 2006. That was the entire entry. Once I read it I could vaguely remember that day. I remember going to a near-by shop and buying a bagel and bringing it back home. I remember being in the kitchen and thinking that I couldn’t eat it for some reason. I remember spending a long time sitting at the kitchen table with that bagel in front of me. Then I remember being in my bedroom after I ate it and just lying on the bed, not doing anything.

The past couple years I’ve had minor hallucinations, mainly when I was really stressed and/or had bad anxiety. These just consisted of noise. Then there have been two times where I was delusional and hearing voices. Once in December 2013 and again in August 2014. I’ve held back talking about it but I’m going to do so now.

In December 2013 I had a bad depressive episode that lasted I think 4 days. I don’t remember most of it. I know it started with extreme anxiety, quickly progressed to a deep depression, and then at some point pushed me into psychosis. From what I am able to remember, there were times I was yelling, throwing things, and I know I was awful towards members of my family. I don’t know how it actually started, I don’t know if it happened slowly or if it was a sudden switch. But I started hearing two voices. I thought they were mice. And they weren’t talking to me, but they were commenting on everything I was doing. I know when it started I wasn’t scared, but I was annoyed. I think I was annoyed that they were talking so much about me but I couldn’t see where they were. My daughters had some coloring books with mice in them. I colored a bunch of pictures and taped them to the wall. I vaguely remember thinking that doing this could lure the mice out or something. Eventually I became less delusional and realized that this was not real and I was hallucinating. On Christmas Eve I called the on call psychiatrist who told me to go to the ER. I told him that I was not going to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital and possibly be admitted over Christmas. He had me take a high dose of the antipsychotic I had in the house. Over the night it went away.

In August 2014 I had what I believe was a mixed episode. For about a week I had symptoms of both a depressive episode and a manic episode. I know on the Tuesday night I went to bed depressed, and then on Wednesday I woke up in some kind of manic state (I don’t know if it was diagnosed as manic or hypomanic). I went to work with my mind going full speed. And then sometime mid-morning I snapped. I was once again delusional and hearing voices. However this time was different. There were many voices and they were talking directly to me. I can remember it started with them telling me that my coworkers were plotting against me and were trying to lock me up in the hospital. They told me I had to leave. So I left. I think there was a period where I was fine but later it started again when I was home. When it started again it wasn’t just my coworkers that were trying to get me in the hospital, it was everyone. I remember keeping the door locked and having the blinds down. I remember my husband opening the blinds and me having to put them down again. I remember peeking out the window and being afraid of everyone that walked by. At some point I must have known something was wrong cause I called my therapist. I know I didn’t tell him what was going on but he knew something was happening. He had me and my husband come in. I remember having a hard time being out of the house because I still thought everyone was plotting against me. I do not remember much of what we talked about, but I know my doctor knew I was hearing voices. I know he gave me the option of going to the hospital myself or calling the police to have them escort me there. I went to the hospital myself. When I got there the voices got more intense but while I was there it calmed down. By the time I was evaluated by crisis my mind was nearly back to normal. They discharged me. The next morning I woke up completely fine. No anxiety, no mania, no depression, no hallucinations.

Since being on the new antipsychotic that I started in November I’ve had no psychotic symptoms. Not even the minor ones. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have to come off it. These episodes were bad but I know they could be much worse. I’ve heard a lot of stories of psychosis and it really could be more intense then what I have experienced.

I do want to say that during these episodes I was not violent towards anyone. I had no thoughts of wanting to hurt myself or others. I was also never left alone. I was constantly being watched by my husband. I have a great support system around me. The family physically close to me have been present to see this. They know it’s something that can happen. I fully, 100% trust that if something like this were to happen again they would be able to take care of me and get me the treatment I need.

The eating thing

I had my yearly physical today. My PCP has played a large role in my treatment, and I try to be completely honest with her. So when I was asked about my eating habits lately I told her the truth; that I’ve been eating very little. I never eat more than 1000 calories a day. Some days I don’t eat at all. I’m not taking my meds with the 500 calorie meal I’m supposed to. She checked my chart and pointed out that while I have lost weight, it hasn’t been much. Then she went on to tell me what I already know. That starving yourself is a hard way to lose weight because your body holds on to everything it can. I know this. It makes sense to me. Yet I’m still doing it. Food just makes me feel terrible. The feeling of being full is awful. I’m not happy with anything I eat.

I had a bit of a bad afternoon, and I actually felt hungry, so I thought I would “treat” myself to a cheeseburger and milkshake. Surprise, surprise, as soon as I finished the last bite all I could think about was this terrible thing that I just did to myself. I just gained 10 pounds.

Which I know isn’t true, but that’s how I feel. And eating something else is the last thing I want to do, but dinner time is coming up. I told my daughters last night that we would start having proper family dinners where I eat with them and I eat the same thing as them.

Why did I tell them I would do this? I feel like I will vomit after one bite of anything. So I’m sitting here trying to think of a dinner I can make for the three of us. Something good for the girls but also something I can get down.

I need to get out of this habit. I need to find a way to eat a balanced diet. I need to exercise on a regular basis. I’m embarrassed to go to the gym. But I feel that whatever work out I do at home is not good enough. I need to figure some things out.

This is not the post I wanted to write tonight. I have a list of posts I want to do so I was planning on doing something there. But then this happened so thought I would write about it. Maybe I will do some more writing tonight.