The eating thing

I had my yearly physical today. My PCP has played a large role in my treatment, and I try to be completely honest with her. So when I was asked about my eating habits lately I told her the truth; that I’ve been eating very little. I never eat more than 1000 calories a day. Some days I don’t eat at all. I’m not taking my meds with the 500 calorie meal I’m supposed to. She checked my chart and pointed out that while I have lost weight, it hasn’t been much. Then she went on to tell me what I already know. That starving yourself is a hard way to lose weight because your body holds on to everything it can. I know this. It makes sense to me. Yet I’m still doing it. Food just makes me feel terrible. The feeling of being full is awful. I’m not happy with anything I eat.

I had a bit of a bad afternoon, and I actually felt hungry, so I thought I would “treat” myself to a cheeseburger and milkshake. Surprise, surprise, as soon as I finished the last bite all I could think about was this terrible thing that I just did to myself. I just gained 10 pounds.

Which I know isn’t true, but that’s how I feel. And eating something else is the last thing I want to do, but dinner time is coming up. I told my daughters last night that we would start having proper family dinners where I eat with them and I eat the same thing as them.

Why did I tell them I would do this? I feel like I will vomit after one bite of anything. So I’m sitting here trying to think of a dinner I can make for the three of us. Something good for the girls but also something I can get down.

I need to get out of this habit. I need to find a way to eat a balanced diet. I need to exercise on a regular basis. I’m embarrassed to go to the gym. But I feel that whatever work out I do at home is not good enough. I need to figure some things out.

This is not the post I wanted to write tonight. I have a list of posts I want to do so I was planning on doing something there. But then this happened so thought I would write about it. Maybe I will do some more writing tonight.