My mind is so all over the place right now. My emotions have
gone haywire. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream. I want to
sleep, I want to do things. I’m just a mess right now.
I’m really pushing myself. I’m doing everything I can to
keep myself balanced. When I just want to curl up in bed and sleep, I keep
myself busy with small, simple tasks. When I feel like I need to do a thousand
things at once I’m holding back and trying to do one small thing at a time. It’s
a lot harder than it sounds.
I was depressed most of yesterday, around 4pm I flipped and
suddenly had to organize our bathroom, and take everything out of our fridge
and clean it. I planned the next five years of my life. I had school and
vacations planned out, I know in the summer of 2020 we are going to buy a
house. I had to bake brownies at midnight. I found an internet game and spent 2
hours trying to get past one simple part and finally pushed myself to go to
sleep at 2am. I woke up this morning depressed. Really pushed myself to keep
going. A couple hours ago I picked up my laptop and started job hunting. For
jobs I know I’m not qualified and ready for. I spent more time figuring out
details for the next five years. I have a list of every little small thing I want
to do. I decided I wanted to dye my hair now. I had a mini panic attack because
I’m not able to dye my hair RIGHT NOW. Now I’m lying on my couch trying to find
the will to stand up. Just stand up. That’s all I have to do right now. I feel
if I move I may start crying.
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