“I ate the laughing bagel. I didn’t want it to talk and
laugh anymore. So I thought eating it would shut it up. But now it’s laughing
at me in my stomach”.
I found this in one of my journals from the fall of 2006. That
was the entire entry. Once I read it I could vaguely remember that day. I
remember going to a near-by shop and buying a bagel and bringing it back home.
I remember being in the kitchen and thinking that I couldn’t eat it for some
reason. I remember spending a long time sitting at the kitchen table with that
bagel in front of me. Then I remember being in my bedroom after I ate it and
just lying on the bed, not doing anything.
The past couple years I’ve had minor hallucinations, mainly
when I was really stressed and/or had bad anxiety. These just consisted of
noise. Then there have been two times where I was delusional and hearing
voices. Once in December 2013 and again in August 2014. I’ve held back talking
about it but I’m going to do so now.
In December 2013 I had a bad depressive episode that lasted
I think 4 days. I don’t remember most of it. I know it started with extreme
anxiety, quickly progressed to a deep depression, and then at some point pushed
me into psychosis. From what I am able to remember, there were times I was
yelling, throwing things, and I know I was awful towards members of my family.
I don’t know how it actually started, I don’t know if it happened slowly or if
it was a sudden switch. But I started hearing two voices. I thought they were
mice. And they weren’t talking to me, but they were commenting on everything I
was doing. I know when it started I wasn’t scared, but I was annoyed. I think I
was annoyed that they were talking so much about me but I couldn’t see where
they were. My daughters had some coloring books with mice in them. I colored a
bunch of pictures and taped them to the wall. I vaguely remember thinking that
doing this could lure the mice out or something. Eventually I became less
delusional and realized that this was not real and I was hallucinating. On
Christmas Eve I called the on call psychiatrist who told me to go to the ER. I
told him that I was not going to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital and
possibly be admitted over Christmas. He had me take a high dose of the
antipsychotic I had in the house. Over the night it went away.
In August 2014 I had what I believe was a mixed episode. For
about a week I had symptoms of both a depressive episode and a manic episode. I
know on the Tuesday night I went to bed depressed, and then on Wednesday I woke
up in some kind of manic state (I don’t know if it was diagnosed as manic or hypomanic).
I went to work with my mind going full speed. And then sometime mid-morning I
snapped. I was once again delusional and hearing voices. However this time was
different. There were many voices and they were talking directly to me. I can
remember it started with them telling me that my coworkers were plotting
against me and were trying to lock me up in the hospital. They told me I had to
leave. So I left. I think there was a period where I was fine but later it
started again when I was home. When it started again it wasn’t just my
coworkers that were trying to get me in the hospital, it was everyone. I
remember keeping the door locked and having the blinds down. I remember my
husband opening the blinds and me having to put them down again. I remember
peeking out the window and being afraid of everyone that walked by. At some
point I must have known something was wrong cause I called my therapist. I know
I didn’t tell him what was going on but he knew something was happening. He had
me and my husband come in. I remember having a hard time being out of the house
because I still thought everyone was plotting against me. I do not remember
much of what we talked about, but I know my doctor knew I was hearing voices. I
know he gave me the option of going to the hospital myself or calling the
police to have them escort me there. I went to the hospital myself. When I got
there the voices got more intense but while I was there it calmed down. By the
time I was evaluated by crisis my mind was nearly back to normal. They
discharged me. The next morning I woke up completely fine. No anxiety, no
mania, no depression, no hallucinations.
Since being on the new antipsychotic that I started in
November I’ve had no psychotic symptoms. Not even the minor ones. It’s one of
the reasons why I don’t want to have to come off it. These episodes were bad
but I know they could be much worse. I’ve heard a lot of stories of psychosis
and it really could be more intense then what I have experienced.
I do want to say that during these episodes I was not
violent towards anyone. I had no thoughts of wanting to hurt myself or others.
I was also never left alone. I was constantly being watched by my husband. I
have a great support system around me. The family physically close to me have
been present to see this. They know it’s something that can happen. I fully,
100% trust that if something like this were to happen again they would be able
to take care of me and get me the treatment I need.
No comments:
Post a Comment