Starting again

I saw my therapist today. After a couple weeks of depression I finally made an appointment on Monday. Thankfully the depression lifted yesterday. I kept the appointment because I hadn’t been in for a while. That and my PCP said at my last check in that I should start seeing him on a regular basis again for my body issues.

The session today went very good. We talked mostly about the depression. He is amazed at how much I rapid-cycle. He told me something that I already knew, that there was a good chance that I will be battling this for life. Which I hate the thought of but I also understand it and am at peace with that. He then brought up something that I never really thought could happen. He said that the more I get settled in life, such as school. work, and other pleasures like owning my own home, that new happiness may push the clouds of depression out of my mind. I really like the thought of that. I am happy that I’m finishing up at a community college, and I’m thankful for my apartment. But I feel I’m far from what I want. I want to be further along in school, I can’t wait until I’m in grad school. I want to have a job in the field I want, or even an internship. I want to own my own house. I want to feel settled which I feel so far from right now. So with the changes I’ll face over the next five years I really hope the depression gets better.

He asked me if I tried anything to help myself over the past couple weeks. I was happy to tell him that I finally made an “in case of emergency” box. I didn’t open it, but at least I have one made! Now I just have to actually use it when I need it. He gave me a few extra ideas for my box.

In the past we talked a lot about trying transcranial magnetic stimulation. He said they are working on making a portable one that people could do themselves when they need instead of going to a hospital. He has no idea when it may come out, but I’m going to do some research later.

The last part of the session was talking about me coming in mainly for my body issues on a regular basis. Previously I was seeing him for my mood and once in a while we would touch on my body issues. This time around we will be focusing on my body issues and dealing with my mood when in need. We talked about a plan of approach and he is going to do some research of how best to deal with this as he doesn’t have much experience working with body dysmorphia and eating disorders. He said he has no problem seeing me again but because he will be making such an effort to help I have to make an effort to want to be helped. Which is going to be hard. I would love to live without these problems, but only if I’m smaller. I need to find a way to accept that getting “better” may not result in my becoming small.

So I’m going to start seeing him every other week.