Embarrassed

I've spent 2 hours rewriting this blog post, trying to find a way to talk about the last few days. I just can't bring myself to share the details of what happened. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I couldn't keep myself together at my daughter's birthday party. I'm embarrassed that I crashed my car and can't remember how it happened. I'm embarrassed that for the first time I experienced some psychotic symptoms and landed me back on antipsychotics.

So here I am a few days later feeling like an idiot. I should be better at this by now. I should be able to handle these situations better. Things should not be getting worse. I feel like I'm letting people down.

Right now I'm wondering why I'm even writing this. Honestly I think the more effort I put into this post the more upset I become. So I'm going to stop.

What do you do when there are mice talking to you?

This is a story for another day..

Anger

Have you ever been so angry that it hurts? So angry that you have to do something physical to relieve the pain, if not you feel like you’re going to explode? It’s an anger that you just can’t stand. You get so worked up you cry, scream, pace around the house. Do anything but sit still and deal with it.

That’s how I feel right now. It’s a big step for me to be sitting here at my laptop instead of walking around the apartment in circles trying to regulate my breathing and keeping my arms and legs to myself instead of attacking the walls. Will the simple act of writing make me feel better? Probably not. But it is buying me time. Time to figure out what my next step will be.

I did not have a bad day today. In fact it was a very good day. So how can one thing put me in this state of mind? How can it change suddenly from feeling positive and joyous to feeling like my emotions might actually be strong enough to knock the house down? Another question is that how long will I want to tear my hair out? Will this die down tonight? Or will I be left in a tornado for the next couple days. Sometimes I do get hit by anger storms that I’m able to escape fairly easy. Unfortunately if I’m in a hypomanic episode, or entering one, there isn’t much escape.

….

I stopped writing about 20 minutes ago. It got to be too much and I couldn’t just sit any longer. I’m starting to get upset because I’m angry and can’t just deal with it. Anger on top of anger. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like I can’t even think straight. There is a giant thunder cloud in my head. 

The depression comfort blanket.

I tried watching Iron Man last night. Twice. I fell asleep during it and woke up right at the end. I decided to try watching it again. Surprise, I fell asleep that time too. It was a relaxing night though, which was my goal. When I woke up this morning I spent a minute figuring out where I was emotionally. Was I over the anxiety from yesterday? Honestly I felt pretty good, pretty normal. I let out a sigh of relief knowing that I got past that bump in the road without it turning into anything.

Every three months at therapy I need to fill out two self evaluation forms: one on how I've felt the past two weeks and one on how I feel at that present moment. Today my forms looked like they were filled out by someone who was perfectly emotionally stable. My doctor's face was very serious as he looked over my evaluation, which I thought was weird. You'd think he would be glad I was feeling so good. He looked at me for a moment and then back at the papers.

"You are a rapid cycler". Yeah, tell me something we don't know. He wondered out loud how different these forms would be if I had filled them out a month ago during my last episode. "Very different" I replied. He asked what I've been doing to try to stay on top of my mood. I told him that I haven't really been doing anything in particular. I knew I had to take it easy yesterday because of the day I had, but other than that I hadn't needed to do anything since I've been in a fine mood. Then things got a little strange.

He asked me what I would do if he wasn't my therapist anymore. "What if I moved away?". Well, I started panicking. I assumed he actually was moving away. He asked if I would seek out another therapist and keep working on what we have been working on. "Probably not" I told him. I asked him why he was asking this. He told me he was concerned that he was more invested in helping me than I was in helping myself. This is not the case, and I told him that. But then I started thinking. Maybe I was being too quiet, maybe I wasn't sharing as much as I should. Maybe I wasn't 100% committed to helping myself.

He said some people with mood disorders find depression to be a comfort. I thought about this for a minute. I know what he means, and I hate that I can say that. I don't fully understand it though. Is it because it happens so often so it's something that I know, something that is familiar? I hate this illness, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So what is it that is comforting? I do not want to let this question go unanswered. This is something that I'm going to research, I want to know what is it that makes someone not want to get well. Someone who suffers from this deserves to have comfort from something that is not destroying their life.

Snowballs

Today is a hot chocolate kind of day. Actually, today has been an Ativan kind of day. I am not lucky that I don’t have control over my emotions, but I am lucky to have a magic little white pill that helps keep me calm (sometimes).

I could not sleep last night. All I could think about was how I was going to get to work today. I started working myself up and getting upset just thinking about it. I finally fell asleep after an Ativan.  I woke up at 3am and decided it was probably best for me to start shoveling the car out. After an hour of kicking the snow’s ass I decide to take a break. As I walked back toward the house I start to cry at the thought that I still had so much to do. But I took a ten minute break, had a little breakfast, took an Ativan, and went out to finish the shoveling. I didn’t finish. I had enough and decided to see if I could just drive through it. This started off well, it went great until I got stuck; half in the driveway and have out. To make it an even better story, there was a plow heading straight toward me. So lots of options here; I could go get someone to help me, I could go and start shoveling again myself, I could just sit there and cry. I decided to just keep hitting the gas and hope for the best.

And I got out! And before the plow reached me (although it did get very close and I was pretty sure it was laughing at me). The rest of the drive was just as stressful; sliding here, getting stuck there. But I made it! Clap people clap! Work was alright. However here is the thing with a little anxiety, it can snowball, and so quickly too.  Suddenly there was a lot in my life to be worried about, and all I could think about was how I wanted to be safe at home. Cue another Ativan.

When work was over I was happy to go home. I was not happy when I got home and had to shovel my way back in. By this point I had pretty much had enough. When I went inside I knew I had to take it easy. I was going to pop another Ativan, lay down on my heating pad and watch a movie with the girls while I drank some hot chocolate. I even got a little excited thinking about it. My excitement died pretty quickly when I realized..

Ok, quick pause to let you know that I keep my Ativan in my purse. And go.

So, my excitement died when I found out I left my purse at the grocery store. 1 ½ hours later I have my purse back and I’m on my way to a calm place, hopefully.  Sitting here though, now that things have calmed down, I’m thinking back to how this started, before it started snowballing. I can think of one thing that could have prevented this anxiety I felt most of the day. I should have asked for help. I shouldn’t had gone to sleep thinking about how I was going to have to shovel myself out in the morning. I should have asked for help at 3am from the person who will do anything for me without complaining. I should have shared the thoughts I was having in the middle of the day. I should have handled the whole day differently. I need to remember I’m not alone.

I’ve had enough experiences of episodes to know a day like this can be a trigger. Have I stopped the snowball or is it still growing? How will I be when I wake up in the morning? Knowing what may be laying ahead I’m aware that I need to take it easy and be careful of the steps I chose for the next 24 hours. I’m going to take it easy with the girls tonight. After they go to bed I’m going to lay on the couch with my heating pad and watch an upbeat movie. I’m going to bed early, and I’m going to therapy at 9am. I’m staying committed to stopping this snowball. 

Fake tree = less stress?

We are not getting a real Christmas tree this year. Growing up I always said I would never get an artificial tree; I wanted my family to go out and pick a tree, bring it home, have to look after it. It was one of the many traditions I had planned for my family, especially when I had my daughters. This year however is different. To focus on keeping myself well I am trying to eliminate any stress that I can. Right now getting a real Christmas tree is too stressful. Having to pick out a tree, having to bring it home, and having to look after it.

This may not seem stressful to most. Unfortunately the kind of person I am can get stressed and upset over small things. Like getting a real Christmas tree, trying to decide what I need to get at the grocery store (this happened yesterday, I stood in the kitchen for a longgggg time just staring), getting change for my daughter's school lunch, and trying to spell something I don't know how to spell.

So knowing what stresses me out is not hard, it’s knowing how to deal with that stress and not let it upset me so much that is difficult. I’d like to say I’ve been working on this, but thinking about it I don’t think I’ve ever really tried to deal with stress in the correct way. How I start doing that, I don’t really know. Avoiding stress is a good step, but I know I can’t do that with everything. I’m going to have to learn how to accept stress and take control of the situation.

I don’t know how long it is going to take to get to this place, of dealing with stress and getting through it without losing it. Is it something that I can do on my own? Will I need help? Will the ability to deal with it going to last? Thinking about how to deal with stress can be stressful itself. I know I need to start keeping my emotions in check, I need to be able to keep myself calm in situations without jumping to sadness or anger. It’s going to take time.


For now I have to deal with what I have in front of me at this moment. Right now I’m looking around my apartment and I’m shocked by the mess. However, instead of cleaning it I’m going to bed early to avoid the stress. Is it the right thing to do? Probably not. But it’s what I need to do for me.

Alternative "treatment"

I spend some of my free time on forums about mental illness. I don’t actually have an account with any of these sites; I just like to see what goes on in the minds of others. I recently came across a discussion on one of the bipolar forums about alternative treatments. I was shocked by the amount of people who don’t believe in any alternative treatment and rely on medication alone. Some of these people don’t even have a therapist. Now, I do believe this disorder needs medication to help control it, however I also believe that these alternative treatments can help tremendously.

Anyway, yes, medication is probably necessary in most cases. In my mind, psychotherapy is just as important. I don’t want to think of where I would be if I didn’t have therapy. If you are having trouble mentally it’s important that you have someone to help navigate what is going on in your mind. In my case I feel I benefit more from therapy than medications.

I recently came off two of my four medications. One was not my choice, an antidepressant, I had to go off it because of a possible seizure (long story). The other one, an antipsychotic, was my decision. The reason for that was mainly I was sick of the side effects, but also I was put on it when I was in the hospital and needed to calm down, it wasn’t supposed to be a long term thing. So I’m left with two, a mood stabilizer that I take twice a day, and an antianxiety med that I take as needed (which I only need during an episode, so I don’t take it often).

My therapist and I are working on finding other ways to control this other than medication, since the meds I’ve been on haven’t been that effective. I also refuse to be on certain meds due to the side effects (I won’t try anything that causes weight gain). We are going to start trying a different type of therapy, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). The therapy is cognitive-based, but aimed more at individuals who have trouble regulating their emotions, and it also helps one cope in crisis situations.  My therapist has never tried this on a patient so it will be interesting for us both.

In addition to DBT we discussed at my last session other ways to help, such as diet and exercise. All three of my doctors, therapist, psychiatrist, and my primary care provider (who is extremely involved in my care), have all talked about the importance of exercise for me. Now they want me to actually put effort into it rather than exercise “a little bit a couple times a week”. As for the diet, that is something to help overall with my wellbeing. I have never been a good eater. I have trouble finding the balance between eating too little and too much, and eating the “right” foods rather than the junk I tend to consume. So this is going to be quite interesting to see if I overcome this obstacle.

I usually can’t say I’m proud of myself, but when it comes to trying to control this I feel quite good after reading that discussion forum. So many people out there take medication without trying anything else.  And you know what I found out when looking into these people more, most of them are on disability. I refuse to live my life stuck in one place. I have plans and I’m going to accomplish them.