Anger

Have you ever been so angry that it hurts? So angry that you have to do something physical to relieve the pain, if not you feel like you’re going to explode? It’s an anger that you just can’t stand. You get so worked up you cry, scream, pace around the house. Do anything but sit still and deal with it.

That’s how I feel right now. It’s a big step for me to be sitting here at my laptop instead of walking around the apartment in circles trying to regulate my breathing and keeping my arms and legs to myself instead of attacking the walls. Will the simple act of writing make me feel better? Probably not. But it is buying me time. Time to figure out what my next step will be.

I did not have a bad day today. In fact it was a very good day. So how can one thing put me in this state of mind? How can it change suddenly from feeling positive and joyous to feeling like my emotions might actually be strong enough to knock the house down? Another question is that how long will I want to tear my hair out? Will this die down tonight? Or will I be left in a tornado for the next couple days. Sometimes I do get hit by anger storms that I’m able to escape fairly easy. Unfortunately if I’m in a hypomanic episode, or entering one, there isn’t much escape.

….

I stopped writing about 20 minutes ago. It got to be too much and I couldn’t just sit any longer. I’m starting to get upset because I’m angry and can’t just deal with it. Anger on top of anger. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say anymore. I feel like I can’t even think straight. There is a giant thunder cloud in my head.