Snowballs

Today is a hot chocolate kind of day. Actually, today has been an Ativan kind of day. I am not lucky that I don’t have control over my emotions, but I am lucky to have a magic little white pill that helps keep me calm (sometimes).

I could not sleep last night. All I could think about was how I was going to get to work today. I started working myself up and getting upset just thinking about it. I finally fell asleep after an Ativan.  I woke up at 3am and decided it was probably best for me to start shoveling the car out. After an hour of kicking the snow’s ass I decide to take a break. As I walked back toward the house I start to cry at the thought that I still had so much to do. But I took a ten minute break, had a little breakfast, took an Ativan, and went out to finish the shoveling. I didn’t finish. I had enough and decided to see if I could just drive through it. This started off well, it went great until I got stuck; half in the driveway and have out. To make it an even better story, there was a plow heading straight toward me. So lots of options here; I could go get someone to help me, I could go and start shoveling again myself, I could just sit there and cry. I decided to just keep hitting the gas and hope for the best.

And I got out! And before the plow reached me (although it did get very close and I was pretty sure it was laughing at me). The rest of the drive was just as stressful; sliding here, getting stuck there. But I made it! Clap people clap! Work was alright. However here is the thing with a little anxiety, it can snowball, and so quickly too.  Suddenly there was a lot in my life to be worried about, and all I could think about was how I wanted to be safe at home. Cue another Ativan.

When work was over I was happy to go home. I was not happy when I got home and had to shovel my way back in. By this point I had pretty much had enough. When I went inside I knew I had to take it easy. I was going to pop another Ativan, lay down on my heating pad and watch a movie with the girls while I drank some hot chocolate. I even got a little excited thinking about it. My excitement died pretty quickly when I realized..

Ok, quick pause to let you know that I keep my Ativan in my purse. And go.

So, my excitement died when I found out I left my purse at the grocery store. 1 ½ hours later I have my purse back and I’m on my way to a calm place, hopefully.  Sitting here though, now that things have calmed down, I’m thinking back to how this started, before it started snowballing. I can think of one thing that could have prevented this anxiety I felt most of the day. I should have asked for help. I shouldn’t had gone to sleep thinking about how I was going to have to shovel myself out in the morning. I should have asked for help at 3am from the person who will do anything for me without complaining. I should have shared the thoughts I was having in the middle of the day. I should have handled the whole day differently. I need to remember I’m not alone.

I’ve had enough experiences of episodes to know a day like this can be a trigger. Have I stopped the snowball or is it still growing? How will I be when I wake up in the morning? Knowing what may be laying ahead I’m aware that I need to take it easy and be careful of the steps I chose for the next 24 hours. I’m going to take it easy with the girls tonight. After they go to bed I’m going to lay on the couch with my heating pad and watch an upbeat movie. I’m going to bed early, and I’m going to therapy at 9am. I’m staying committed to stopping this snowball.