I tried watching Iron Man last night. Twice. I fell asleep during it and woke up right at the end. I decided to try watching it again. Surprise, I fell asleep that time too. It was a relaxing night though, which was my goal. When I woke up this morning I spent a minute figuring out where I was emotionally. Was I over the anxiety from yesterday? Honestly I felt pretty good, pretty normal. I let out a sigh of relief knowing that I got past that bump in the road without it turning into anything.
Every three months at therapy I need to fill out two self evaluation forms: one on how I've felt the past two weeks and one on how I feel at that present moment. Today my forms looked like they were filled out by someone who was perfectly emotionally stable. My doctor's face was very serious as he looked over my evaluation, which I thought was weird. You'd think he would be glad I was feeling so good. He looked at me for a moment and then back at the papers.
"You are a rapid cycler". Yeah, tell me something we don't know. He wondered out loud how different these forms would be if I had filled them out a month ago during my last episode. "Very different" I replied. He asked what I've been doing to try to stay on top of my mood. I told him that I haven't really been doing anything in particular. I knew I had to take it easy yesterday because of the day I had, but other than that I hadn't needed to do anything since I've been in a fine mood. Then things got a little strange.
He asked me what I would do if he wasn't my therapist anymore. "What if I moved away?". Well, I started panicking. I assumed he actually was moving away. He asked if I would seek out another therapist and keep working on what we have been working on. "Probably not" I told him. I asked him why he was asking this. He told me he was concerned that he was more invested in helping me than I was in helping myself. This is not the case, and I told him that. But then I started thinking. Maybe I was being too quiet, maybe I wasn't sharing as much as I should. Maybe I wasn't 100% committed to helping myself.
He said some people with mood disorders find depression to be a comfort. I thought about this for a minute. I know what he means, and I hate that I can say that. I don't fully understand it though. Is it because it happens so often so it's something that I know, something that is familiar? I hate this illness, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. So what is it that is comforting? I do not want to let this question go unanswered. This is something that I'm going to research, I want to know what is it that makes someone not want to get well. Someone who suffers from this deserves to have comfort from something that is not destroying their life.
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