Memories

You know how smell can trigger some major memories? I need to get a new face moisturizer.

I only need to moisturize my face in the winter, because of the dry air. So this week I started to use the moisturizer I used last winter. And no matter what else happened last winter, the only thing I can think of when I smell it is the episode I had last Christmastime. And I have these horrible memories rush screaming into my head.

I don’t remember much about that episode. When I think back to it I feel mainly confusion. And also anger and fear. In those horrible four days I was just lost.

I’m on a mission. A mission not to have one of those episodes again.  

Different types of Bipolar disorder, and an update!

EVERYONE! Stop what you’re doing and prepare for some learning!

I’m just kidding, keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing.

This is however, going to be a bit of an educational post. Hopefully at least one person reading finds it interesting. I am going to talk about the different types of bipolar disorder. Yes, there are different types.

Bipolar disorder is basically classed in three different ways: Bipolar type 1, Bipolar type 2, Bipolar not otherwise specified.

Bipolar type 1: For a bipolar type 1 diagnosis one would have to have had at least one manic or mixed episode. I’m not going to go into what makes a manic episode cause I’m sure you all have a very good and accurate idea. However for those of you who do not know what a mixed episode is, it is an episode where there are both manic symptoms and depressive symptoms. You only have to have one manic or mixed episode in order to get a bipolar type 1 diagnosis. You don’t even need to have had a depressive episode. Bipolar type 1 is all about the mania.

Bipolar type 2: This kind is defined as having recurrent major depressive episodes with hypomanic episodes. Hypomania is mania, but less extreme. With hypomania you are still able to function, whereas with full blown mania it becomes difficult to function day to day.

Bipolar not otherwise specified: This is used for someone who has the symptoms of bipolar disorder but does not meet all the criteria for one of the other diagnoses.

In addition to these different classifications, someone with bipolar disorder could also have rapid cycling or psychotic features.

Rapid cycling: When someone with bipolar has more than four episodes a year. Believe it or not, and a lot of people don’t know this, but someone who has a “regular” bipolar diagnosis has less than four episodes in a year.

Psychotic features: When someone with bipolar also experiences psychotic features along with an episode, either manic or depressive. Psychotic features would include delusions and/or hallucinations.

(I have both rapid cycling and psychotic features)

Up until my recent hospitalization I had bipolar type 2. The hospital diagnosed me with bipolar type 1. Which I was confused about because I have never had a fully manic episode. After thinking a lot about it, I’m assuming my diagnosis was changed based on the episode I had in August. In that particular episode, in a space of a week I experienced days of being really depressed, and days of being (what I thought was) hypomanic. My thinking is that they classed this as a mixed episode as I also had psychotic symptoms. So, that is where I got with that.

Enough of that. Moving on to a quick update…

I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in a really long time. I don’t know if it is just a coincidence, or if it’s the new medication already working. I was thinking it was the start of a hypomanic episode, however my thinking is still really clear. So I’m hopeful it’s the medication working.

I met with my therapist today. After talking at length about it, I am most likely taking a six month break from seeing him. One of the DBT programs offered to me was to start seeing one of the program’s therapists and going to a weekly group workshop/meeting. It would be a six month program and I would not be able to see my current therapist. Originally I said I didn’t want to try this more intense program, but after doing some thinking and talking, I am pretty sure this is what I’m going to do. I am going to call tomorrow and ask if I can do that one instead of the other that I said I was more interested in.

Ok, I think that’s enough. Sorry that this was super long!

**All the information I provided about bipolar disorders is from my own general knowledge from school and the DSM-IV** 

I'm back

I haven’t written in a while. I had a bad episode. Not going to go into too much detail though. I think it started because of my decision to stop therapy. The anger, frustration, and sadness I felt just lead to depression. I had trouble functioning, wasn’t thinking clearly, and was pretty paranoid about some things. No real psychotic symptoms but just wasn’t fully with it. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

This hospital stay compared to my first one was completely voluntary though. I really want to stress that. Because I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to make that decision based on how I was feeling. Instead of letting the depression just take over, I decided that I needed help. I went in late Friday. Slept all day Saturday (I was awake for a total of…. 2 whole hours). Slept and read Sunday. And on Monday I went to a couple groups, and met with a psychiatrist and social worker. I was discharged on Tuesday. I was re-started on my regular meds (I had stopped taking them 2 weeks before), and a new antipsychotic was added. They also diagnosed me with a different type of bipolar disorder, which I’m not quite sure why yet. I only found out about it from the discharge papers they sent home with me.

I meant for this to be a little longer and talk about a few things but I’m feeling pretty uninspired. I’m going to go work on school work. I have some major catching up to do as I didn’t do anything for a couple weeks. Humph. 

Self-harm take two- I'm huge

One of the reasons I self-harm, probably the biggest reason, is because of my body. I sometimes get to a point where I can’t stand it. I am so uncomfortable in this body that I need to do something to express that pain. I am huge. I am trying to stay positive that over time I will lose weight. It’s not working. I just feel I can’t deal with this body another minute. I am so uncomfortable. I’m trying to resist the urge to release the pain. I just can’t distract myself.

Short and to the point.

End of therapy?

I am pretty sure I’m stopping therapy. I am not working on what we discuss in those sessions. I’m wasting my time and his time. I’m taking up an hour that could be given to someone who is actually committed. I don’t have the motivation to fix the problems in my life.

Which is funny in a way. Funny in a sad way I guess. I’m working towards helping people in similar situations, trying to get people to understand what they are going through, to accept it, and to get help for it. Yet there is a step that I’m not including in that; and that is that THEY have to work at it. Something I’m not doing.

It’s not like he is giving me tough things to do. Last week he asked me to watch a Ted Talk video he found and smile more. And I promised to follow up on the DBT program. Guess how much of that I actually did.

So today at therapy we agreed I wouldn’t come back unless I’m willing to work on this. My next appointment is in two weeks. So I have some thinking to do.

Psychomotor Agitation

The only way I can sit down to write this right now is because of Xanax.

There are periods where I just can’t stay still. I have to constantly be moving; whether it is walking around, clapping my hands, or wiggling my fingers. I just have to be moving. I cannot control myself. I have a very hard time trying to explain what it is like, but for the first time I looked into these symptoms. I came across Psychomotor Agitation. It usually appears with a depressed or manic/hypomanic episode. I found this on natashatracy.com

“If you’ve ever suffered from psychomotor agitation you can attest to the fact that it is very unpleasant. Psychomotor agitation feels like a grinding of sandpaper against your bones that produces a need for useless movement such as hand-wringing, pacing or toe-tapping. It is annoyance in its highest form. It’s something that cannot be ignored or denied. Psychomotor agitation really takes over the consciousness when it’s pronounced. You can’t rest when psychomotor agitation is present. Your body and mind just can’t seem to calm themselves”

This is how I’ve felt for the past two days. It was bad yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I don’t know what started first, the restlessness or anxiety, but I just working myself up and was really uncomfortable. When I got home I had a Xanax which worked for a while, then around 9pm I took a 2^nd and was able to fall asleep.

Today I got through work pretty well, I think because it was busy so I was focusing on something else. But it’s started to get worse when I got home. I had a Xanax a little while ago which helped enough to be able to sit down. However, my legs are bouncing around and I can’t stop moving my jaw. I can’t look in one direction, I have to keep moving my head around. It’s uncomfortable.

This is different than just having a lot of energy. When I have a lot of energy I’m busy, getting things done, like housework. I keep trying to do things like cleaning or laundry but I can’t even focus my energy on something like that. The only think I can think about doing is walking around the apartment in circles. And that doesn’t even feel like enough.

**I don't know why this post came out funny. I couldn't figure out how to change it back to normal.

  

Happiness and weight loss

I went to the gym today. I did very little. I had no energy and no motivation. I just kept thinking “what’s the point?”. I really feel like it’s impossible to lose this weight. I know I need to work to get what I want, but I just don’t have that drive. Seems easier just to stop eating. Even with that I have such a long way to go. I really wish I was back to the weight I was two years ago. It was the first time in my life where I was comfortable with my body. It just angers me that I’m not there anymore and I probably never will be again.

I know two years ago I was in a bad place. I hardly remember any of it. But the times I do remember I was happy. And that happiness was directly related to my weight. I remember putting on a pair of leggings and being amazed that a size small pair of leggings were too big for me. I remember a co-worker commenting on my weight loss and straight out asking if I just stopped eating. And I remember my proudest moment: when my doctor told me I was underweight. Honestly I smiled. I felt I worked my whole life towards this goal of being underweight, and I finally made it.

But I lost it. I’m not sure if it was medication related. I’m not sure if I actually was just not eating. I seriously cannot remember. The last time I saw my doctor she mentioned that during this period I was exercising too much. I just wish I knew what was it that was working for me so I could do it again.

This post does not have a spin to it. I’m not going to say that I’ve grown, that I’m at a place where I know what I’m thinking is unhealthy, that I’m going to lose weight the healthy way. I would be lying. Am I trying to tell you all something, am I trying to hint at something? Am I almost admitting to something? Possibly. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

This post may have a depressed feel to it. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what I am. I’m feeling a very strange emotion right now.