Cheerleader

I decided to withdraw completely from this semester. I decided I was too far behind to be able to catch up. I figured I would use this semester to relax and focus on my health. So I went to school today to get the form, and then went to get my advisor to sign it.

He had other ideas.

He is very persuasive. He first told me he was worried that I wouldn’t return to school. Which I don’t think would happen but he said it happens more than people think. Then he told me he was going to be my “cheerleader” (his words, not mine) and give me a pep talk. That he did. I actually left feeling confident.

I don’t know if it’s a good thing that my mind and mood were changed so much in a matter of twenty minutes. I guess it can be both good and bad.

Anyway. I’m keeping two classes. Two classes I don’t want to do but have to at some point for my degree. Might as well keep at it. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to stay on top of everything and not lose my mind.

Crystal ball

I feel like I can’t do much right now. Like I can’t handle much. I feel slightly like I’m going to lose it.

I’ve decided to drop three of my five classes. Even focusing on my remaining two classes I’m behind. I need to seriously catch up in the next few days and I just don’t feel like I can do it. I keep sitting down to do some work and I’m having such trouble focusing and retaining information. I just feel like I’m not connecting with this semester. I don’t feel good about it at all.

I wish I had a crystal ball. I want to know if this feeling is going to last. I want to know if it’s something I can push through or if it’s just going to hurt me. I want to go to bed. Instead I’m going to try to hold back tears and get some work done.

Pause button

I told myself when I started this blog that I should remain honest and push myself to talk when I don’t necessarily want to. I wanted to do this because it would probably help keep me above water, and also maybe it would help others.

Tonight I’m not doing too well. I’m looking at the mess of my apartment, looking at the amount of school work on my desk. I can’t bring myself to do anything. I’ve been sitting in this chair for 45 minutes and I’ve barely done anything. Part of me wants to give up for today and just go to bed but I can’t even bring myself to get up and go to bed.

It’s not like I can go to bed anyway. I need to get some school work done. I’m so disappointed in myself for not being more committed to spending time on school. I just get so tired and have a hard time pushing myself. I did decide to drop some classes and accept that it’s going to take me a little longer to get to where I want to be. But at this exact moment of time, I want to drop everything. I just feel like I can’t do it.

I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe it’s because I’m sick physically. I don’t know. I just wish there was a pause button. 

Plan B?

I hate when things don’t go according to plan. I also hate making decisions when I have no idea what I want. Oh, and I hate when what is best for me isn’t what I want.

Confused yet? I’ve hit a wall and have had to make some decisions that I don’t want to have to make regarding school. I am already going at a fast pace, but because of a little bump in the road I can either take on more in order to get where I want (into a college program for social work this fall), or slow down (and go to this school next fall, or a different school before then).

All signs are pointing to slowing down. Which I hate. I don’t like feeling like I failed, like I’m weak. I don’t want the “I told you so” from others. It just upsets me. However things could get bad if I force myself to speed up. I’m not stable now, as much as I hate admitting it I can’t really afford adding much more in my life right now.

I’ve gone back and forth about how I feel regarding changing “the plan”. One minute I’m fine, life happens, I just need to switch to plan B. The next minute I’m feeling so down. I just want to close myself off and not think about anything. Then I’m back to feeling alright. And then something strange happens. I begin to feel so alright with a new plan because I realize maybe I wasn’t really into the old plan. All this confuses me. Why can’t I just want something, accept that is what I actually want, work towards it, and be ok.

My mind is all over the place right now. Thoughts are pulling me in different directions and I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want to focus on something else, but I can’t sit on this much longer. I need to make a decision.

This post probably doesn’t make much sense to those who don’t know what is actually going on. Maybe I’ll explain what is going on tomorrow. For now I’m tired and sick, and really should go to bed. So good night ya’ll.

Coming soon to A Mad Reality

My bulletin board. Currently it's used how it should be. Keeps my attention to what is important and what needs to be done Boring! I want to transform it to an inspiration board. Of course part of it I want inspiration for exercise and eating healthy. But I also want to have positive thoughts up there mixed of things I should do in a crisis (call a friend, take a nap, go for a drive). Generally I just want it to be a happy project. If anyone has any tips or ideas, let me know.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. My bible. Yes it may sound boring but we are going to spend some time diving into certain subjects that you my have questions on. These posts obviously will not be for everything, they will be written to those with an interest in mental disorders.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder is a work book that myself and my therapist will be going through together at some point. We, a.k.a. he, have been putting this off due to episodes, and some annoyance towards one another. Fine, it's mainly me being annoyed my him.

Quick questions: You have an option to go to a good school, that you pretty much automatically get in, and is cheap. Or you have the option to go to a good school, that you do have to work hard to get in, but may be more expensive. I could list more pros and cons about this but I'm going to leave it like that. Maybe I'll do a post "my therapist can be too parental, watch me get back at him by acting like a teenager". That's a whole nother thing. Let me know if anyone wants me to go more into detail with that.

So yeah, that is Coming Soon to A Mad Reality. Hope you'll all enjoy it!

Ghost typing

This is not something I talk about much. At times I have some pretty bad anxiety. Not too much socially, I can get by in large groups, I don’t mind talking to strangers. But there seem to be random times when anxiety hits me. It hit me today. I don’t know exactly where it came from. I was doing fine at work, and I started just to feel panicky. Another thing to mention is that there have been times that my anxiety has led to paranoid delusions. It didn’t get close to that today, but I did not feel well because around a large group of people. People I only can assume at this point, that are talking about me.

We were really busy today. A lot of typing on keyboards pretty much constantly. Then I noticed that there was typing being done that didn’t match up with what others were doing. It was a ghost was typing somewhere. I know that’s not possible but when it was happening I had no idea what was going on. Anyway, I moved my desk, I didn’t like sitting with my back towards the rest of the group. I was very uncomfortable when someone walked behind me. So I moved to a more secluded area. This helped a lot. There were still things only on my head that shouldn’t have been. But I got through my work day. My biggest trouble was to go home and be able to play and care for my kids.

When I went home my dad took one look at me and told me to go take a nap. I didn’t argue. I took one Ativan (something I’m working on not taking), and went to sleep. I woke up feeling so much better.

Take a break. That is something that can be learned from this story. I could have been heading to a bad place. But I took a nap which helped. If I’m struggling with homework I need to take a break. If my kids are running circles around the house which I’m trying to clean, I should go for a walk. I just need to find more ways that keep me balanced.

This brings me to another post I will hopefully be doing tonight. 

Deflated balloon

I’m a popped balloon lying on the ground. All because of two little antidepressants. Let us call them AD1 and AD2. I was forced to stop AD1 in September because of a chance it caused a seizure. After that I felt like a deflated balloon. Slowly all my energy and positivity were leaving me. Then I started AD2 which killed the balloon completely. I have no energy. Can barely get through work. Not getting any school work done. I’m in bed whenever I have a chance. I can’t live this way much longer.

While I was writing this I was getting quite worked up and angry. So I spoke to the on call psychiatrist. She said it was fine to stop taking AD2. I told her I wanted to take AD1 again. She thinks it is fine but I need to talk to my actual psychiatrist.  Who I’m thinking will allow it. So woo hoo!

The doctor I spoke with today warned me to relax. She said I was talking too fast and getting worked up over nothing. It may have been nothing to her, but all this has seriously caused me to have to slow down. I’m now behind and need to catch up again. I need to be more aware of my life at home, be more focused at work, and be able to stay awake to do homework. Being tired doesn’t fit in this life.

What’s on the agenda for tonight? Homework, wine, and another episode of Homeland!!

I'm losing today

Ever feel like you just want to give up? Whether it’s work, school, or some other aspect of your life. That’s how I feel today. Life 4, Me 0.

There is a tiny voice in the back of my mind whispering “Don’t worry, don’t freak out, you’ll get through this”. But then there is another voice screaming the opposite. It’s very hard to shut that screaming voice out.

Some things I have to deal with. I know that. I just can’t. It doesn’t seem like an option. My options are to obsess over it without doing anything, or to not think about them at all. Honestly all I feel like doing is lying in bed and cry.

Tomorrow is another day, right? Maybe things will be better. I just need to try and not give up. Easier said than done.

The smoke dream

I had a dream that I was hallucinating. I know that’s weird with it being a dream. I was seeing smoke that no one else could see. I was panicking but no one understood why. When no one understood that I was seeing this smoke I started hearing mice chattering about the fact that no one believed me. Hearing mice chattering is something that has happened in my dreams before. Only last time it continued after I woke up. I really don’t know where I’m going with this.

I try to pay very close attention to my thinking. Not just the thoughts themselves, but how I’m processing my thoughts. If things are getting complicated up there then I know I need to start seeking some help. When I woke up this morning my mind felt like spaghetti. It still does.

I never realize how much I need therapy until I go a long stretch without it. It’s been three weeks since my last session and that was after a four week break as well. I know I didn’t have a good experience at my last appointment, but yeah… I need to go back ASAP. Why? I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I have. It’s like my mind is starting to get full of confusing thoughts, I’m not sure what is valid and what isn’t. Therapy helps clear that; helps me think in the right way.

I really should be doing homework. So I’m going to go do that.