Plan B?

I hate when things don’t go according to plan. I also hate making decisions when I have no idea what I want. Oh, and I hate when what is best for me isn’t what I want.

Confused yet? I’ve hit a wall and have had to make some decisions that I don’t want to have to make regarding school. I am already going at a fast pace, but because of a little bump in the road I can either take on more in order to get where I want (into a college program for social work this fall), or slow down (and go to this school next fall, or a different school before then).

All signs are pointing to slowing down. Which I hate. I don’t like feeling like I failed, like I’m weak. I don’t want the “I told you so” from others. It just upsets me. However things could get bad if I force myself to speed up. I’m not stable now, as much as I hate admitting it I can’t really afford adding much more in my life right now.

I’ve gone back and forth about how I feel regarding changing “the plan”. One minute I’m fine, life happens, I just need to switch to plan B. The next minute I’m feeling so down. I just want to close myself off and not think about anything. Then I’m back to feeling alright. And then something strange happens. I begin to feel so alright with a new plan because I realize maybe I wasn’t really into the old plan. All this confuses me. Why can’t I just want something, accept that is what I actually want, work towards it, and be ok.

My mind is all over the place right now. Thoughts are pulling me in different directions and I don’t know how to deal with it. I just want to focus on something else, but I can’t sit on this much longer. I need to make a decision.

This post probably doesn’t make much sense to those who don’t know what is actually going on. Maybe I’ll explain what is going on tomorrow. For now I’m tired and sick, and really should go to bed. So good night ya’ll.