Hospitalization episode

A comment was left on my previous post asking for more details of my episodes, especially the one where I ended up in the hospital. I’ve felt for a while that I couldn’t go into detail about this stuff; I am taking a huge leap here by admitting what was really going on. But, I’m going to do it.

Something that is important to mention though, if I haven’t already; I don’t remember a lot of my episodes. I don’t know why. A lot of times it’s just a blur.

I was hospitalized end of November/early December 2012 for five days. Before I get into that I need to back up a little. About a month before I had an episode that lead to my bipolar diagnosis. I had an extremely bad couple of days, one day in particular. I remember spending a lot of time just sitting, not doing anything, and just thinking how I couldn’t stand it. I don’t exactly know what “it” was. I can’t put it into words. I’m sure someone with major depression knows what I’m trying to say. Anyway, I recognized that things were bad for me because I started thinking about how my daughters were better off without me. Thankfully I still had a fair bit of sanity and I called my PCP (I do not know why I did not call my therapist at this time). She wasn’t available to talk and the woman I was speaking to kept pressing me to find out why I was calling. It took me a little while, but I was able to get out that I was having suicidal thoughts. The woman said she could have another doctor talk to me but I told her to forget it and hung up.

I managed to push myself through the day, although I do not know how. I was even able to take my daughter to her swimming lesson. While I was at her lesson I got a voicemail from my PCP saying that if I didn’t return her phone call within the hour she was going to call the police. I promptly returned her call and told her that I wasn’t going to do anything (by this point I was handling myself a little better, I think because I had pushed myself to continue on with my day). She said she would have my therapist call me the next morning.

I woke up that day completely fine. I was functioning normally, not depressed in the slightest. When I got the call from my therapist I told him “something is seriously wrong with me”. How is it possible to go from that seriously depressed, to being completely fine? This was when I got my diagnosis.

The next month I was fine. They started me on a mood stabilizer which I was feeling positive about. Unfortunately this calm period didn’t last long. This is where things get a bit fuzzy. The only thing I can remember clearly is sitting on the floor of the kitchen, unable to function, with worried people around me. My husband told me that the day before I was hospitalized he sat with me in bed for four hours while I cried and decided to call a doctor. I vaguely remember talking to my PCP at one point. Oh, this I do remember, I called my therapist’s office and cancelled all my upcoming appointments.

By the way, there is no chronological order to this.

I actually went to the ER twice. The first day I was evaluated and released (I had assured them I was fine and did not want to be admitted to the mental health unit). The second day I knew before I went to the hospital that I was staying. I called work to let them know I would not be in. I emailed my therapist to let him know that I did “not trust myself with my own life”. And I packed a bag and went.

I was in the ER for 11 hours, and the only reason I know this is because my therapist told me (I guess he flipped when he found out that they kept me for so long). I do not know why it took so long. They didn’t have me wait in the waiting room, I was put in a private room. I believe it was labeled “family waiting area”. I slept for the whole time. I don’t remember much more, I don’t remember what happened when crisis came to evaluate me or what was actually done when I was admitted.

That’s the story of it. Before people get too upset over this I want to assure everyone that since I have been on antipsychotics (which they put me on in the hospital) and my mood stabilizer dose was increased, I have not had any suicidal thoughts. Even though I still have episodes, I do not have those feelings. I do not expect to have those feelings. I am in a different place than I was then. At the time the first episode happened I was just on an antidepressant; the episode where I was hospitalized I was on a small dose of mood stabilizer that probably hadn’t kicked in yet. So basically at this time I was only on an antidepressant as well. Antidepressants alone make bipolar symptoms worse. This could explain this bad period.

I expect to get a lot of comments from this, and I’m not looking forward to them, not in the slightest. For those of you who feel they need to say something, please keep in mind that I am putting a lot out there, and I am very nervous about sharing this. It is not easy for me. If you do leave a comment, or try to contact me another way, I may not respond. I respect what you have to say, but I don’t want to have to explain myself any more.