Cognitive functioning

Bipolar Disorder is characterized by shifts of depressed moods and elevated states.

Everyone knows that, right? But how many people know that there is a lot more to the disorder than the changes between extreme moods?

Cognitive functioning can play a large role in bipolar disorder. When I say cognitive functioning I am talking about being aware, perceiving, and comprehending ideas. And also about thinking, reasoning, and remembering. I suffer from some bad cognitive impairment. Not just during episodes, but also when I am euthymic (in a “normal” state). Staying focused is difficult, as is understanding simple ideas. What really gets to me is the remembering.

Everyone has those moments of walking into a room and forgetting what they went in there for. It happens to me a lot. I forget pieces of conversations minutes after having them. Hell, there are times I forget what I was saying halfway through a sentence. Usually I can deal with all this, but with school and work it’s hard to deal with. At school I often forget what the professor just said. I try to take notes but focusing on what I’m writing and keeping up with listening doesn’t work out. I record a lot of my classes. I hate doing anything in a group because I get so embarrassed. The professor may say something that we have to work on in a group, and minutes later I forget what we are supposed to do. If we have a group activity at the end of class and I have this problem I often just leave early.

In the ten years I’ve been working I’ve had a handful of jobs. Nothing that required as much attention as the job I have now. There are times I walk out of the room crying. Not because I’m depressed. Simply I just feel so, I don’t even know the word for it. I just don’t feel good. Talking to someone over the phone and having to ask someone to repeat themselves after they just said something, it just sucks. The majority of the time I feel I’m not able to do what is required of me. And it’s not just talking. Everyone I work with probably sees me leaving for the day with a piece of paper to put in the shredder. It’s because I have to take stupid notes. I may have to copy a name from one screen to the other and I have to write down that name because I’ll forget. Or I google the spelling of something, I have to write that down because it will be out of my head before I go back to another screen to write it.

For anyone who wants to say that it is probably the medication I’m on, I’ve had this problem for probably ten years. I’ve had it on other medications and I’ve had it on no medications. I never really thought anything of it, never thought it was related to my mental illness. I don’t know what started it, but I started doing some research on this and came across a lot of others with bipolar disorder who are dealing with the same thing. Unfortunately there have been little studies on it and no kind of treatment known. For now it’s just something I have to deal with.