I'm slipping

I’ve hit a wall, like a really, really hard wall.

When I woke up and went to work I was in a great mood. Throughout my shift my mood and energy kept improving and I honestly thought I was in a hypomanic state. I had plans of coming home and cleaning everything. I had plans to also start writing because I decided yesterday that I wanted to write a book and I absolutely had to start doing that RIGHT NOW. I kept making plans and plans and more plans. I felt pretty damn good. Then I came home found out we were out of oil. Then my good mood was replaced with extreme anger. Anger towards myself, anger at the fact that we are out of oil, anger at the fact that we have oil and not a different form of heating. Then I became angry at myself for other aspects of my life.

Angry that I am unable to stick to a budget.

Angry that I am careless with money.

Angry that whenever I do the numbers we have enough money to afford a mortgage. But because of not being able to stick to a budget and  being so careless, we can’t actually afford a mortgage.

Angry that I want a house so badly but can’t be happy and thankful for the great apartment I already have.

Angry that I didn’t have energy to deal with my kids.

Angry that I didn’t want to have to deal with my kids.

Angry that I was snapping at them even when they didn’t deserve it.

Angry that I can never get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I don’t even try to get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I have such a bad body.

Angry that I ate dinner.

Angry that even after the stress of having to buy oil I still bought something that could have waited.

Angry that I do this all the time.

Angry that once again I have to get my kids ready for bed alone.

Angry that my husband has work 2^nd shift.

Angry that I found even more financial stress.

Angry that I can’t fix anything.

Angry that I’m angry.

Now I don’t feel so angry. Instead I am sad about everything I just listed. I am fighting back tears. I feel myself slipping. I want everything to be better. I want myself to be better.

I’m sad. I feel physically sick because of the dinner I ate. I am not doing too well right now.

I’m letting my daughters stay up because I don’t want to be alone.