Blackouts

As you know, I’ve talked about not remembering my episodes. I have a very good memory of being a child. It changes when I think about times after age sixteen. The first blackout was during what I believe was my first proper episode. I’ve written about it before; it took place during the summer and lasted about two months. This is what I remember: I played a lot of music, I failed my driving test, I didn’t want to sleep, I found time fascinating.

That’s it. It was the summer before we moved to Ireland. I’m sure it was busy and eventful. I can’t remember when our house was sold. I can’t remember the day we got on the airplane. Looking back it was probably a few days after we arrived that I started coming back. This is very hard for me because I can’t share this life changing time with my family.

Over the next few years there were periods that just don’t exist in my mind. I’m very thankful for the important times I’m able to remember: my wedding, the births of both my daughters, and the early parts of their lives. I have a good couple years that I’m able to remember. Then about 2 ½- 3 years ago it started again. Some of these blackouts haven’t been a big deal. I don’t remember a lot of conversations I had, but nothing major. Then there are episodes that have really hurt those around me. I know there have been more than one time that I’ve said something or done something pretty awful. I don’t know exactly what these are, my family haven’t told me. And I don’t want to know, it would be too hard.

As tough as these blackouts have been, I’ve never addressed them with a doctor. I don’t know why. I’m hoping with my newest medication I don’t have anymore. If it does start happening again I hope I’ll do something about it.