I’m having a not so great Christmas. I’m just exhausted. And
have no patience. And those two things do not work well when you have kids,
especially on Christmas. I feel like an awful mother. I’m not doing my best to
make today a special day for my daughters.
I know what started my bad mood. It was when I got dressed.
I bought some new shirts a few days ago and I put one on today thinking that it
would look fine. It’s a size that I was sure would work for me. Yet my muffin top
is way too obvious. I hate myself. Well I hate my body.
I’m not exercising. But being completely honest (which I’m
not sure I want to be), I’m eating little. I just wished the weight was coming
off quicker. I know I need to be exercising on a regular basis, but it’s so
hard to get going. I always try but I’m so out of shape I just have this
feeling of “what’s the point? I’m never going to get where I want to be”. I
stop very quickly, and then feel even worse. If anyone has any tips of staying
motivated when you are feeling this way, please let me know.
So the good news is I’m not depressed. Bad news is my body
image issue is worse than it’s been in a long time. I’m always a bit down about
my body, but right now it’s different. I’m not just uncomfortable, I’m angry.
And I’m having a hard time holding back from doing something to make myself
feel better.
I’m not sure why my body issues and self-harm are so closely
linked. I’m sure there is some psychological connection, but I haven’t really
been able to put it together yet.
Yeah I’m not doing too well right now. What is on my mind? I’m
thinking about how much I ate today. Double what I ate yesterday. Triple what I
ate the day before. And I’m angry. Like really angry. And I do not know what to
do.
And I know how I’m thinking right now is not right and
unhealthy. I also know that part of me just doesn’t care. I don’t care if I’m
not taking care of myself because all I want is to be smaller. I’m sick of
taking up so much space.
No comments:
Post a Comment