Blackouts

As you know, I’ve talked about not remembering my episodes. I have a very good memory of being a child. It changes when I think about times after age sixteen. The first blackout was during what I believe was my first proper episode. I’ve written about it before; it took place during the summer and lasted about two months. This is what I remember: I played a lot of music, I failed my driving test, I didn’t want to sleep, I found time fascinating.

That’s it. It was the summer before we moved to Ireland. I’m sure it was busy and eventful. I can’t remember when our house was sold. I can’t remember the day we got on the airplane. Looking back it was probably a few days after we arrived that I started coming back. This is very hard for me because I can’t share this life changing time with my family.

Over the next few years there were periods that just don’t exist in my mind. I’m very thankful for the important times I’m able to remember: my wedding, the births of both my daughters, and the early parts of their lives. I have a good couple years that I’m able to remember. Then about 2 ½- 3 years ago it started again. Some of these blackouts haven’t been a big deal. I don’t remember a lot of conversations I had, but nothing major. Then there are episodes that have really hurt those around me. I know there have been more than one time that I’ve said something or done something pretty awful. I don’t know exactly what these are, my family haven’t told me. And I don’t want to know, it would be too hard.

As tough as these blackouts have been, I’ve never addressed them with a doctor. I don’t know why. I’m hoping with my newest medication I don’t have anymore. If it does start happening again I hope I’ll do something about it.

I'm slipping

I’ve hit a wall, like a really, really hard wall.

When I woke up and went to work I was in a great mood. Throughout my shift my mood and energy kept improving and I honestly thought I was in a hypomanic state. I had plans of coming home and cleaning everything. I had plans to also start writing because I decided yesterday that I wanted to write a book and I absolutely had to start doing that RIGHT NOW. I kept making plans and plans and more plans. I felt pretty damn good. Then I came home found out we were out of oil. Then my good mood was replaced with extreme anger. Anger towards myself, anger at the fact that we are out of oil, anger at the fact that we have oil and not a different form of heating. Then I became angry at myself for other aspects of my life.

Angry that I am unable to stick to a budget.

Angry that I am careless with money.

Angry that whenever I do the numbers we have enough money to afford a mortgage. But because of not being able to stick to a budget and  being so careless, we can’t actually afford a mortgage.

Angry that I want a house so badly but can’t be happy and thankful for the great apartment I already have.

Angry that I didn’t have energy to deal with my kids.

Angry that I didn’t want to have to deal with my kids.

Angry that I was snapping at them even when they didn’t deserve it.

Angry that I can never get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I don’t even try to get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I have such a bad body.

Angry that I ate dinner.

Angry that even after the stress of having to buy oil I still bought something that could have waited.

Angry that I do this all the time.

Angry that once again I have to get my kids ready for bed alone.

Angry that my husband has work 2^nd shift.

Angry that I found even more financial stress.

Angry that I can’t fix anything.

Angry that I’m angry.

Now I don’t feel so angry. Instead I am sad about everything I just listed. I am fighting back tears. I feel myself slipping. I want everything to be better. I want myself to be better.

I’m sad. I feel physically sick because of the dinner I ate. I am not doing too well right now.

I’m letting my daughters stay up because I don’t want to be alone.

David Granier, Stand up for Mental Health

Anyone who has a mental illness (or interest in the subject) and has a sense of humor. I found this hilarious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5qLIIfI-ZE

Cognitive functioning

Bipolar Disorder is characterized by shifts of depressed moods and elevated states.

Everyone knows that, right? But how many people know that there is a lot more to the disorder than the changes between extreme moods?

Cognitive functioning can play a large role in bipolar disorder. When I say cognitive functioning I am talking about being aware, perceiving, and comprehending ideas. And also about thinking, reasoning, and remembering. I suffer from some bad cognitive impairment. Not just during episodes, but also when I am euthymic (in a “normal” state). Staying focused is difficult, as is understanding simple ideas. What really gets to me is the remembering.

Everyone has those moments of walking into a room and forgetting what they went in there for. It happens to me a lot. I forget pieces of conversations minutes after having them. Hell, there are times I forget what I was saying halfway through a sentence. Usually I can deal with all this, but with school and work it’s hard to deal with. At school I often forget what the professor just said. I try to take notes but focusing on what I’m writing and keeping up with listening doesn’t work out. I record a lot of my classes. I hate doing anything in a group because I get so embarrassed. The professor may say something that we have to work on in a group, and minutes later I forget what we are supposed to do. If we have a group activity at the end of class and I have this problem I often just leave early.

In the ten years I’ve been working I’ve had a handful of jobs. Nothing that required as much attention as the job I have now. There are times I walk out of the room crying. Not because I’m depressed. Simply I just feel so, I don’t even know the word for it. I just don’t feel good. Talking to someone over the phone and having to ask someone to repeat themselves after they just said something, it just sucks. The majority of the time I feel I’m not able to do what is required of me. And it’s not just talking. Everyone I work with probably sees me leaving for the day with a piece of paper to put in the shredder. It’s because I have to take stupid notes. I may have to copy a name from one screen to the other and I have to write down that name because I’ll forget. Or I google the spelling of something, I have to write that down because it will be out of my head before I go back to another screen to write it.

For anyone who wants to say that it is probably the medication I’m on, I’ve had this problem for probably ten years. I’ve had it on other medications and I’ve had it on no medications. I never really thought anything of it, never thought it was related to my mental illness. I don’t know what started it, but I started doing some research on this and came across a lot of others with bipolar disorder who are dealing with the same thing. Unfortunately there have been little studies on it and no kind of treatment known. For now it’s just something I have to deal with.

Sick of taking up space.

I’m having a not so great Christmas. I’m just exhausted. And have no patience. And those two things do not work well when you have kids, especially on Christmas. I feel like an awful mother. I’m not doing my best to make today a special day for my daughters.

I know what started my bad mood. It was when I got dressed. I bought some new shirts a few days ago and I put one on today thinking that it would look fine. It’s a size that I was sure would work for me. Yet my muffin top is way too obvious. I hate myself. Well I hate my body.

I’m not exercising. But being completely honest (which I’m not sure I want to be), I’m eating little. I just wished the weight was coming off quicker. I know I need to be exercising on a regular basis, but it’s so hard to get going. I always try but I’m so out of shape I just have this feeling of “what’s the point? I’m never going to get where I want to be”. I stop very quickly, and then feel even worse. If anyone has any tips of staying motivated when you are feeling this way, please let me know.

So the good news is I’m not depressed. Bad news is my body image issue is worse than it’s been in a long time. I’m always a bit down about my body, but right now it’s different. I’m not just uncomfortable, I’m angry. And I’m having a hard time holding back from doing something to make myself feel better.

I’m not sure why my body issues and self-harm are so closely linked. I’m sure there is some psychological connection, but I haven’t really been able to put it together yet.

Yeah I’m not doing too well right now. What is on my mind? I’m thinking about how much I ate today. Double what I ate yesterday. Triple what I ate the day before. And I’m angry. Like really angry. And I do not know what to do.

And I know how I’m thinking right now is not right and unhealthy. I also know that part of me just doesn’t care. I don’t care if I’m not taking care of myself because all I want is to be smaller. I’m sick of taking up so much space.

I'm happy

I had a crappy couple of days. But that’s all it was, a crappy couple of days. It didn’t develop into anything more. After one of the bad days I felt I needed to talk, so I drove to my husband at work to talk (already a good sign. I didn’t go home to hide away or kick the wall). When I was talking to him I started crying. He talked to me and I calmed down. Then he told me this was just a bad day, and I was handling it like anyone would. I felt upset, I cried, I talked to someone. And he said I was far from an episode. My head was clear. I knew what I was saying and I was responding the right way. I remember all the details of that day (whereas in an episode I often forget a lot). Also in an episode I have trouble finding things that make me feel better and give me a little push. I found things that helped. Working help. Studying helped. Playing with my daughters helped. Listening to music helped. God, I can’t remember the last time I listened to music to make myself feel better. See, I get to a place where I just give up trying to help myself. I didn’t get to that place.

Why am I doing so well? I know the answer to that. My latest hospital stay didn’t do anything to help me. I’m not currently in therapy. It’s simply the new medication I’m on. I know there are people out there who wouldn’t like this. And I understand that. I should be able to find ways to cope, not rely on a pill. But you know what? It’s that pill that is allowing me to function. By taking that I’m in a place where it is possible to work on the problems I face. I don’t feel bad in the slightest. It’s helping me. For so long I wanted to find something that helped. Something that gives me that little push. Something that allowed me to function the way I should be able to. I am thinking so clearly. And even though I know this isn’t the case, and it may sound a little cheesy, I feel like everything around me is more colorful, brighter. It’s not like I’m looking through a dirty, foggy glass.

Another thing that gives me a push. I recently spent a couple hours talking to someone who was having a very tough time. And although I don’t like that they struggle, and I worry a lot about this person, I liked knowing that I was able to help in some way. In those couple of crappy days I was reminded of what I wanted to do, and it gave me a drive to keep going. Being able to help someone when they feel they are in a place where nothing can help, I want to be in a position where I can help. Even if it’s just enough to get the person home and to sleep.

So getting down to it; I’m happy. I’m motivated. I’m not emotionally exhausted. I’ve been thinking clearly for the last… 46 days. And no, I’m not keeping track of each day. Once in a while I do like to count. It makes me feel good.

Quitting already

I’m in a bad mood. I woke up with this huge feeling of not wanting to deal with today. Like I just wanted to sleep right through it. Not really in a depressed way. More in an angry way. I knew as soon as opened my eyes I was not going to have the patience. It was made worse at work. I work in a job where having patience is extremely important. My job mainly consists of talking on the phone, and it was hard trying to stay calm with people. Then I was trying to work on other things and I was having a hard time concentrating as I am still having some racing thoughts. I was just getting frustrated. When I got out of work I thought I would be better. Nope. Not as frustrated but still angry.

It’s going to be very hard to do this whole DBT thing. And right now I’m talking strictly money wise. Between co-pays and missing work it’s going to cost me about $70 a week. There is no way I can afford that. I don’t know what to do. It’s just making me really, really angry. I finally went through with starting this therapy and I am like, 95% sure I’m going to have to quit already.

I’m so pissed off. Other than this blog post I’m just sitting with my daughter watching a kids show. I don’t want to think or deal with anything else right now.

This is my 100th post. And I hate that this is what I'm posting. It's making me even more angry.