She's a maniac, maniac on the floor

I don't suffer from full blown mania, thank god. Mania includes an incredible elevated or irritable mood, little need for sleep, racing thoughts, and at times, hallucinations. I on the other hand experience hypomania, something much more manageable. It has the same symptoms as mania but they are more tame. For me my symptoms include an elevated mood, racing thoughts, trouble staying still, and unfortunately anger.

During a hypomanic episode it is common for me to want to either spend money or make a change such as changing my hair or getting a tattoo and even move to France. Don't worry, even though I was looking at jobs, places to live, and teaching myself French, this plan didn't last long. There are also times when I absolutely have to buy something, something I don't really need. For example, a fish tank. I was driving past the pet store when it suddenly hit me that I needed fish in my life. So I ran in and bought a fish tank (I was told I had to set it up and wait a day before I added the fish, which made me a little angry.. but hey, I got through that). It made perfect sense to me that I have fish, it didn't make sense to my husband that I spent $100 on something I didn't want until I drove past the store.

So I returned the tank. I can't remember the details, but I know I was angry. And of course that anger was directed toward my husband. Like I said, I can't remember the details but hopefully I wasn't too mean.. which I know I can be. A friend once told me that I was probably "not a peach to live with". And I know I can just be plain difficult to deal with. My therapist has told me I can be a pain in the ass (trust me, it was a good move on his part, I deserved it at the time).

So yes, I may be mean and difficult at times, but be patient with me and remember it could be a lot worse :)

Sharing

It's been exactly one year since I committed myself to the hospital. One whole year. I've felt a little haunted all day knowing this. The fact that things got so bad, mixed with my experience in the hospital, I still have a hard time thinking about it. I wish I could process the experience more. I wish I could remember what landed me in that position, unfortunately like most of my episodes, the whole thing is a blur.

This past year was probably the hardest of my life. I had to spend a lot of time learning about myself, digging deep and going places I didn't want to go. I have had a lot of ups and downs, and thankfully a great support system around me. Doctors, family, friends, employers. However, this is still a journey I'm on. A journey that I don't want to go through alone.

There is a lot of stigma around mental illness. Something I hope will one day end. I know for me this was something I didn't plan on sharing with anyone other than close family and friends. Not that I was embarrassed, I was more afraid of creating awkward situations. I was always worried about making others uncomfortable. This feeling changed on my first day of my Research Methods in Psychology class. I didn't intend on sharing details of my personal life, but during that three hour class I had come to realize that my support system had to exist in every aspect of my life.

"I have rapid cycling bipolar" I told the professor (now my advisor). It was one of the best things I ever did, sharing this fact with a stranger. It was this person that really got me through school this past year; he understands what I need to keep me going. The last time I spoke with him was during a recent episode; and he said something that I will remember the rest of my life: "I'm your biggest fan".

Hearing this reminded me of the great support system I have. It reminded me that when I'm having a tough time I can get through it because of the help I have around me. I consider myself truly blessed that I have these people in my life.