Body Dysmorphic Disorder

A large part of my anxiety is due to being so uncomfortable with my body. I find there are many days were I don't want to leave the house because I hate the idea of having to be out in public looking the way I do. I was diagnosed with body dysmorphic disorder about two years ago.

People with BDD often have a problem with a signal part of their body. Someone might focus on their nose, or their hair; something that may seem small to most, but it's all that person can think about. For me, I am uncomfortable with my weight and body shape. I just feel I look funny and I'm heavier then I should be for my body type. I also have a diagnosed eating disorder. But that's not very active right now and not something I'm going to focus on talking about.

When I first started therapy, we talked a lot about this particular problem, but the more the mood disorder showed itself the less we focused on the BDD. So I don't really have any ways of dealing with it. This problem has been better since having kids, but it's still very much there. My therapist does believe that DBT will help with this issue as well. I hope so, because lately I've felt I really need to get this under control. Ha, I need to get a lot of stuff under control.. but this has just been bothering me lately.

I haven't got any further on the DBT stuff. Everytime I call intake the person I need to speak to is not there. I'll try again tomorrow. I'm actually kind of looking forward to trying this. Hopefully it works out and helps with my mood and BDD.

Am I passive?

I had therapy today. I had a really relaxing day so I was in a good mood when I went in. The first question I was asked was "why?"... why was I in a good mood? Last week I had said "all I want to do is hide and sleep", and now this week I was saying I was in a good mood. I don't know what is different. Apparently that's bad, that I don't know. Knowing why I'm in a good mood is just as important as knowing why I'm in a bad mood.

He asked if it was possible that I just was looking at things so bad that it zapped me out of my funk. That could very much be true. He said that is what might work for me. Maybe when things get bad, I take an hour to myself and actually think of everything that could go wrong, and see if that helps put me in a better place. It's a long shot he said, but it may work.

He asked if I was doing my breathing. I jokingly said I breathe all the time. But in all seriousness, no, I was not practicing this. He shortly after asked if I followed up with looking into the group DBT program. No, I did not. He said I was getting an F in this session for not doing my homework. Here is my problem; when things are going good, I don't feel I need to work on these issues. He said that is exactly the time I should be working on it. Which makes sense. When I'm depressed I don't have the energy to do anything. He said I was being too passive.

Well doctor, I didn't like hearing that. Yes, it's probably true. But, I don't want to be thought of as "passive". So after therapy, while I was still in the parking lot, I called the DBT people and registered. I need to call again tomorrow to set up my initial appointment. So there. I'm trying, I'm working on it. It just might take me a while.

You will be fine

"In the time we have known each other I have seen and learned how you operate. You are a very strong person. You know yourself and you know how to draw from your internal resources. I firmly believe that you will be fine".

I think it is obviously to everyone that I have not been well lately. A big part of that is school related. This depression started from somewhere else but it wormed its way into other aspects of my life, especially school. My mind couldn't focus. I didn't do a paper that is worth a large part of my communications grade. And I failed a biology exam. I felt awful and lost all motivation. I was seriously considering again withdrawing from school.

I saw my advisor today to talk about my concerns. Once again he managed to turn my attitude around completely. He brought up a fact that normally make me feel better, but it's not something I can ever think of on my own: if I am in a bad place, everything seems worse than it actually is. He said all I have done is hit a slump, and that I would be fine. Two days ago I did not feel I would be fine. Right now, I know I'll be fine. Things are just a bit rocky.

I'm trying to keep in mind what I should be doing to try to keep my emotional state stable. Breathing and exercise. I have not been doing any exercising. I have been barely able to get out of bed. I have been practicing the breathing exercise my therapist taught me. It hasn't done much.  I think I need more practice. I am going to try to start exercising again tomorrow.

As for tonight I have class. Then I'm relaxing at home and hopefully getting a good night's sleep. Fingers crossed I wake up tomorrow in a better place.

Dear world: Leave me alone

This moment. Right now, at this moment, I feel like. I don’t know. I don’t feel good. Kind of like I’m sinking. All I want to do is cry. Deep down I know this is not right, but it feels like it’s the end of the world. I can’t recover from what is going wrong right now.

I’m so stressed, in many aspects of my life. My mind is mush. I can’t concentrate on my school work. I have a paper due tonight that I just can’t do. I have an exam in two days and can’t study. My eyes are reading the words but my mind is not processing anything.

I don’t want to deal with anything right now. But I don’t want to go to sleep because I will have to wake up and deal with everything again tomorrow. Why can’t I just function like anyone else in these situations? Why do I feel like I can’t handle anything?

I want everything to stop. Just stop. I want to yell at the world to leave me alone and go sleep for a very long time.

Add-on

There was quite a reaction from my last post. I really didn't expect it. I had 150 views in a 24 period and a lot of replies. A lot of people came to me concerned about me not taking my medicine, and also people offering me money for the meds and/or my school bills. It was of course nice seeing all the support I had, but it wasn't something I was expecting. I did want to add something though, maybe it will make people feel better:

This particular medicine is an "add-on". My mood stabilizer is my main med. The antidepressant is to help with the depression symptoms. The one I stopped, the antipsychotic, that is a little different. And I am trying to think of the right way to phrase it. Basically it helps keep me a little more sane. I was started on it when I was in the hospital. Soooo, even though it was not good that I just stopped taking it without consulting my doctor, it was not an extreme move as it wasn't my mood stabilzer. I think hearing "antipsychotic" makes it sound extreme. It's not always. Sometimes it's just an add on. Anyway, as of today I am back on it.

There isn't much to this post, I just wanted to get that out there to those who were concerned. I also wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been reading. When I started this blog I didn't think many people would read, and respond! But having 150 views in a day is pretty amazing. So thank you :)

Anxiety and anger

I haven’t felt like writing lately. Don’t really feel like writing now. But’s it’s been a while, or at least seems it, since I did a proper post. Trying to figure out where to start..

Ok I’ll start with this: I haven’t been taking my antipsychotics. I ran out and haven’t wanted to pay the insane price of getting a refill. If someone else told me they were doing this I would tell them that it’s not a valid reason to stop taking their meds. Especially without telling their doctor. I’m not being smart about this, I know, I know. I am probably going to get more tomorrow. Ok, now you have a bit of background information.

My mood hasn’t been great the past two weeks. I had some days of bad anxiety, followed by a really good day, followed by a couple days of rage. Which was just bad. Starting with the anxiety, I do not know what it was coming from. It was mainly when I was out of the house. I just had this feeling of wanting to be at home. But once I was at home I was very anxious. This was very hard to deal with because I’m not being prescribed my anxiety meds anymore. So I was stuck, really not knowing how to make myself feel better. As for the anger, I’m not going to go into detail about these couple days. It was just bad. At first I didn’t know where all this anger was coming from. Then this little idea popped into my head: Maybe it’s because I stopped taking my Abilify. However.. from the research I did on stopping Abilify, the only side effects are insomnia, hallucinations, delusions, and mania. And I wasn't experiencing mania. So I don't know.

I saw my therapist today. We talked about my mood but I didn’t tell him about stopping the med. I was not up for a lecture. As you can see I’m not making great choices about this. Anyway, we talked a bit about strategies, which clearly I need. I don’t have any. For the anxiety I relied on a medication that didn’t work properly anyway. For the anger I usually punch or kick a wall. Not the right way of dealing with it. With depression I also don’t have anyway to deal, but that is going to take more effort I think. For now I’ve been given two things to start doing when my mood is not good: exercise and breathing techniques. Exercise is something I always work on getting into a routine with but I keep failing. I just feel I have too many things I should be doing with my time. I need to try to make it more of a priority. As for the breathing, I was pretty much required to do breathing exercises in the hospital. But they didn’t teach me how to do any of these exercises properly so it’s not something I continued to do. My therapist walked me through an exercise today and we are going to do more work on it in the coming weeks.

And that was therapy today. I also saw my advisor which is always fun. Unfortunately I was meeting him to register for summer and fall classes and we learned very quickly that I can’t register because I owe money for this semester. So I need to come up with $300 fairly soon so I can register. This kind of put me in a bad mood today but I am trying not to worry about it. Money seriously sucks though.

I feel like I should have something more to say. I’m not very happy with this post, but whatever. I’m going to do some pilates and work on school work.