Anxiety and anger

I haven’t felt like writing lately. Don’t really feel like writing now. But’s it’s been a while, or at least seems it, since I did a proper post. Trying to figure out where to start..

Ok I’ll start with this: I haven’t been taking my antipsychotics. I ran out and haven’t wanted to pay the insane price of getting a refill. If someone else told me they were doing this I would tell them that it’s not a valid reason to stop taking their meds. Especially without telling their doctor. I’m not being smart about this, I know, I know. I am probably going to get more tomorrow. Ok, now you have a bit of background information.

My mood hasn’t been great the past two weeks. I had some days of bad anxiety, followed by a really good day, followed by a couple days of rage. Which was just bad. Starting with the anxiety, I do not know what it was coming from. It was mainly when I was out of the house. I just had this feeling of wanting to be at home. But once I was at home I was very anxious. This was very hard to deal with because I’m not being prescribed my anxiety meds anymore. So I was stuck, really not knowing how to make myself feel better. As for the anger, I’m not going to go into detail about these couple days. It was just bad. At first I didn’t know where all this anger was coming from. Then this little idea popped into my head: Maybe it’s because I stopped taking my Abilify. However.. from the research I did on stopping Abilify, the only side effects are insomnia, hallucinations, delusions, and mania. And I wasn't experiencing mania. So I don't know.

I saw my therapist today. We talked about my mood but I didn’t tell him about stopping the med. I was not up for a lecture. As you can see I’m not making great choices about this. Anyway, we talked a bit about strategies, which clearly I need. I don’t have any. For the anxiety I relied on a medication that didn’t work properly anyway. For the anger I usually punch or kick a wall. Not the right way of dealing with it. With depression I also don’t have anyway to deal, but that is going to take more effort I think. For now I’ve been given two things to start doing when my mood is not good: exercise and breathing techniques. Exercise is something I always work on getting into a routine with but I keep failing. I just feel I have too many things I should be doing with my time. I need to try to make it more of a priority. As for the breathing, I was pretty much required to do breathing exercises in the hospital. But they didn’t teach me how to do any of these exercises properly so it’s not something I continued to do. My therapist walked me through an exercise today and we are going to do more work on it in the coming weeks.

And that was therapy today. I also saw my advisor which is always fun. Unfortunately I was meeting him to register for summer and fall classes and we learned very quickly that I can’t register because I owe money for this semester. So I need to come up with $300 fairly soon so I can register. This kind of put me in a bad mood today but I am trying not to worry about it. Money seriously sucks though.

I feel like I should have something more to say. I’m not very happy with this post, but whatever. I’m going to do some pilates and work on school work.