No title

You know it’s a bad day when you start crying as soon as you walk into your therapist’s office. I’ve felt close to crying for the last couple days but kept it together. When I got there I couldn’t keep it together anymore.

I cried again when I had to make dinner. I just want to go to sleep.

I hate that I have to do homework, that I have to shower, that I have to read a book to my daughters. All these things seem like too much. I just want to go to bed.

Typing this is too hard.

Q&A

I'm procrastinating from doing my school work. But I don't have anything to actually talk about, so I stole some questions from a Vlog I watch. Hope you find them interesting I guess.

Is there something about having bipolar that you like and would miss if you didn’t have it?

I love the times when I have a ton of energy, I’m motivated, and I feel absolutely amazing. I wish it was like that all the time. I know it’s not worth it though. I would rather not have a mood disorder, even if I lost the “good” episodes.

Did you notice bipolar symptoms before you were diagnosed?

I actually mentioned bipolar as a possibility before my doctors did. I knew I had depression, and I knew I had it bad. But then I started noticing extreme bouts of other moods, sudden sparks of creative energy, and just some poor decisions. I ended up going through years of journals and seeing evidence of these things happening over a long period of time. I shared a lot of my journals with my doctors. It was shortly after this that I got an actual diagnosis.

How many therapists have you had?

I feel I can’t give a straight answer to this one. I feel I’ve only had one actual therapist (the one I have now). However after a couple overdoses when I was living in Ireland, I was sent to see a counselor. The first time I just stopped going after two sessions. The second time I stuck it out a little longer but they kept switching my counselor and I got sick of always having to start over.

What kind of bad decisions have you made?

Ah. Most of my bad decisions have been minor and haven’t really effected my life. The actual bad decisions I’ve made has to do with relationships. Either being in a relationship that I shouldn’t or spending too much time investing in something that was clearly not going anywhere.

Does it make you paranoid to be so open on the internet?

Yes. Although I haven’t regretted anything I’ve said yet, I’m always afraid that is going to happen. I worry about saying something that will hurt my family. And then I’m afraid of something being used against me. Paranoia can get to me pretty easily. I think that’s pretty common with bipolar disorder.

Where you resistant in taking medication?

Not really. I was put on psychiatric medication many different times for many different reasons; for major depression, for postpartum depression, for bipolar symptoms, for completely flipping out on my doctor once. All these times I felt like I needed something to help me. I’ve always been pretty pro-medication, if it’s something that helps someone.

What kind of career do you want and how do you plan to get there?

If things go according to plan I will get my masters in clinical psychology. I would like to be a clinician for young women and/or single mothers who have postpartum depression. I am also interested in working with young people with schizophrenia. Either way I want to work with teenagers and young adults.

Short and not much to it, but whatever. I guess I'll get back to school. Arg.

 

Dreams

I never remember my dreams. It hasn’t always been like this. I dreamt like crazy as a kid. Not remembering probably happened about ten years ago. Anyway, I’m so used to not remembering my dreams that I hate when I do. Every dream feels like a nightmare.

Which I know is not true. I know what a nightmare is. But I don’t like any of my dreams. In the one I just had everyone started not liking me suddenly. And things in it were just weird. Dreams are strange. My work didn’t look like the office I’m used to. My apartment was different, I even lived with different people. And these people seemed to hate me.

Am I scared of not being liked? I didn’t think so. Am I scared of what people think of me? I don’t feel I am.

Both of these are probably false. Not “probably”, but “definitely”. I’m lying to myself. I know that deep down I really want people to like me and I am nervous of what people think. I wish these two things didn’t bother me. I have a feeling that my life would be a lot calmer if they didn’t bother me. But how do I get over this?

I wonder if me remembering my dreams is linked to my mood at all. I’m feeling pretty ok for the most part. I know I had a bad day yesterday, but that particular day comes around on a regular basis and I’m used to it. I don’t know. Maybe I’m starting to not be ok and my mind is noticing it. And then maybe my dreams have nothing to do with my mood. Most likely it doesn’t. But it’s always nice to think that there may be a warning sign that I can be aware of.

On a totally different and selfish note, anyone interested in helping me out please “follow” me on the little box on the top of the page towards the left. The more followers I have the higher my blog is on the list on Networked Blogs. The main point of me writing all this is to get it out there. To educate people on what mental disorders are about. The more my blog is out there, the easier it is to achieve this. Thank you.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep now.

I don't want today

I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I have a reason, but I cannot say on here what that is. This day comes around every couple weeks and I have such a hard time getting through it. Today is a little worse.

I just don’t want to.

I guess it’s good though, that at least I know this is coming. I’m familiar with the feeling I get. It’s not like a lot of other days where it just hits me. BAM! I knew this was coming. Was I prepared for it though? Not at all. I need strategies.

Instead I will probably be relying on Xanax.

GREAT therapy session

I had a great therapy session today. He first asked me why I cancelled a few of my appointments. I explained that I had to figure some things out. If I was going to commit and actually share what is going on. I then told him what I told my psychiatrist a couple weeks ago, about all the noise and thoughts racing around my head. That at times I feel like I’m losing my mind. He was curious if there was any family history of Schizophrenia. Which I found to be interesting. He said that it’s not uncommon for mood disorders to carry psychotic features. He didn’t say if he agreed or disagreed with my psychiatrist’s theory of it just being extreme anxiety.

I felt like I had a huge breakthrough. I feel really good. I honestly have no idea why I hide things from him. It’s one thing to keep secrets from friends and family, but in that room I should be able to share anything. I’m not being judged. I’m being helped. I told him that I was doing well in general. No extreme stress. I was actually trying. I was doing my DBT reading, yoga, eating well. He’s still concerned that I don’t have enough joy in my life. He had me list 10 things in my life that made me happy.

My list:

1)      My husband

2)      My kids

3)      My cat

4)      Driving

5)      Chocolate

6)      Exercise

7)      School

8)      Work

9)      TV

10)   Writing

**What’s interesting is pretty much everything on this list also causes me stress. **

Everyone reading this should try this exercise if they are feeling down at all. Take a pen and paper and make a list of 10 things that make you happy. I’d be interested in reading other people’s lists. 

The Mental Health Unit

I was watching some videos on youtube and got a bit inspired to do a post talking about my stay in a mental health unit (MHU). I did talk about some of this in another post but thought I would go through it a little more.

I was first taken to the MHU around 3am. I was exhausted. I had just spent 11 hours in the ER and was totally out of it. I honestly don’t remember much about when I first got up there. I know I felt relieved. I was very nervous about committing myself, but once I did it meant that I had to take a break. I had no other choice. So yeah, I felt calmer than I had in weeks. From what I remember one person took my bag to check what was in it and another person showed me around. I don’t remember what exactly he showed me, but I was happy when we got to my room. There were two beds, but I didn’t have a roommate at that time. A woman came in and asked me a bunch of questions about my history and stuff. I remember thinking “why is she doing this at 3am?”.. All I wanted to do was go to sleep.

I slept until the afternoon. I woke a few times when people came to check on me (they check on you every 15 minutes, no joke). The psychiatrist came to see me at one point and told me that she was adding an antipsychotic to my meds. In the afternoon someone woke me and told me I had to go to a group. I said no but was then told that one of the ways they decide to release you is if you get involved in groups. So I went.

It was after this group that I really had a look around and learned about the place. There were the bedrooms, a tv room, an art room (which I wasn’t allowed in because of the sharp objects), a dining room, a kitchen, which had caffeine free soda and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. You could keep your own food there but I learned quickly that people would eat each other’s food (the food my husband and sister brought I kept in my room). There was a med station, a couple of nice calming rooms, some locked showers (you had to get permission to use them), a laundry room. There was a little area with books and dvds and an exercise bike. There were two phone that patients could use that the staff were not allowed to answer.  Next to the phones were giant white boards for people to write messages if someone got a phone call and wasn’t around. There were a lot of motivational art on the walls. Generally it was a nice place. I had a real hard time being there, but it was a nice place.

The food sucked. I only ate what my husband and sister brought in for me. Which was just junk food. I lost 5 lbs while I was in there. Which was a lot for me cause I had already hit the underweight bar. The groups I had to go to were fine. Sometimes we played games. Other times it was simply sharing about your day. I never participated. But they still appreciated that I at least went.

I got a roommate on my third day (it may have been my second day, I can’t remember). I was fine with it at first, until I woke up in the middle of the night with her talking to one of the staff members saying how she was scared that all the patients there were going to get her and she didn’t know what to do to protect herself. Then I couldn’t sleep cause I was then paranoid that she was going to try to kill me. That’s another thing. I hated nights there cause your room is completely dark. You couldn’t even see the clock so if you work up in the middle of the night you would have no idea what time it was.

The patients were really nice. Even the "tough" looking ones were great. I think it was because no matter who you were, you were just like everyone else there. We were all on the same level. I kept to myself the whole time but people went out of there way to talk to me. In a way the place was comforting.

This is getting to be a really long post so I should probably stop. Sorry if this is kind of all over the place. I just decided to write and just took off. I’m sure there is more I could say but I’ll leave it for now. If anyone has any questions please leave a comment!

Team Ativan or Team Xanax?

Ativan and Xanax both belong to a group of psychoactive medication called Benzodiazepine. They are both used for long term anxiety and panic disorders and also used as a PRN (take as needed). They are both highly addicting. Both are very similar and both I have had experiences with.

I first tried Xanax. This was years ago when I still lived in Ireland. I was prescribed the lowest dose and rarely took it because I honestly felt it did nothing for me. I never asked for a higher dose because 1) I hated my doctor and 2) I didn’t feel I really had much anxiety. Then, around 2 years ago (I’m completely guessing here), I started having some extreme anxiety/anger outbursts so my doctor prescribed Ativan as a PRN. I took this as needed over 1 ½ years, but I never felt it really did anything. I started taking more and more in hopes that it would do something but instead I just got disastrous results. When I finished my most recent prescription I knew I was having a problem and told my psychiatrist that I didn’t think I should be prescribed it anymore. He agreed. I then decided that since it never really helped with my anxiety I wouldn’t bother with another kind.

This just changed the last time I saw my psychiatrist. I talked to him about some minor psychotic symptoms I was having which he put down to extreme anxiety and said that I should try an anxiety medication. I agreed to Xanax. He prescribed a somewhat high dose because the lower dose may have not been enough for the symptoms I was having. I wasn’t that positive that anything would happen with it. He told me to at least try it when I start sensing these feelings coming on.

This was two weeks ago. I have tried Xanax three times. It is working great. My anxiety goes away and I’m calm. The side effects are killer though. I have trouble staying awake, I have trouble with talking and writing. I might need to see about a smaller dose. I still don’t know if it’s going to help with the extreme symptoms, but for the first time I have a plan against them so I’m feeling hopeful. We just need to give it some time.

Today I’ve been doing some research of which people find is the better drug. It really is split. Some are on the Ativan team. Some are on the Xanax team. I’ve read great things about both and horrible things about both. If there is anyone reading this who has had experience with one of these medications I would love to hear about your experience with it. Please leave an anonymous comment below or feel free to email me at mnedoherty@gmail.com or send me a facebook message if I’m friends with you on facebook.

My next post will probably be Tuesday after my therapy appointment. I’m really glad I took a few weeks off. I’ve made a lot of steps forward and I’m looking forward to going in there being able to talk about what I did instead of things I could be doing (but probably won’t).

5 things I'm loving right now- July

I love cherries, but I never buy them cause they are EXTREMELY expensive. Why are they so expensive? The cherry world hates me. A miracle has happened though, THEY WENT ON SALE!!!

Water. I was never a good water drinker. The junk food lover that I normally am usually stuck to soda. However I'm on a diet and sticking to water surprisingly well. I've been putting a bottle full of water in the freezer so it's nice and cold.

Apple cinnamon rice cakes with peanut butter. Enough said. Yummmmm!!

The fact that I get to wear flip flops. Yay for summer! Not my favorite season (which is fall) but it's better than snow boots!

Yoga mat. Well, yoga mats (I use two). The past couple days I've been doing a little yoga before bed and a little yoga when I first get up in the morning. I'm finding it relaxing.


I want to do another "50 things about me", but I need to see if I can find another 50 things!

My experience with a mood disorder and college

What I’m going to talk about is completely my own experience. I am in no way talking on behalf of all students with mental disorders.

Mood disorders and college do not mix. I’m sure most mental disorders and college do not mix. College is hard for everyone, so I don’t want to make this sound like only those with mental disorders suffer. We just suffer a little differently.

The night I decided to go to college was, ummmm, not a “normal” night for me. I was feeling extremely good about myself. I kept thinking that I couldn’t be sitting around wasting my awesome brain on doing nothing. Sounds stuck up, but that’s what it was. AKA I was probably in a hypomanic state. I’d say within five minutes of deciding to go to college I was registered with the community college. Yes, it was done in a matter of minutes. After a couple days I had a “oh my god what I have got myself into” moment, but decided to keep going with this decision. I’m surprised that I did. It’s good that I did.

I started my first semester really well, but then I had those couple of episodes and ended up in the hospital. It was in the hospital that I seriously thought that I couldn’t do it. I decided to keep going though. Then a couple months later I landed in the first class I was really passionate about, so I decided to keep with it. Over the next couple semesters I had a couple more classes that I loved, all with my advisor as the professor. So I had something to keep me going.

Unfortunately the past year I have not taken any classes that I actually wanted to take. This has made school really difficult. When I get depressed I don’t do anything. I have no interest in school and just don’t care. There were a couple times in the past six months where I was depressed because of school, and during these times I had made some kind of move to withdraw from the semester. My advisor never let me. It is very likely that I wouldn't be in school now if it wasn’t for him.

So there is the depression. But then there are times that I am super motivated. I make all these plans for myself, like what graduate school I’m going to go on to. And I'm going to do amazing and get all As. I would work hard at my work and actually get a lot of good stuff done.

Annnndddd then there are times where I am just not with it, like part of me has left reality. There is too much going on in my mind that I just can’t do school work. There are times where I try to read and it’s like I’m looking at another language. A couple weeks ago this started to happen and for a little over a week I did nothing for school. Absolutely nothing. This caused me to fall behind and get stressed which caused me to get depressed. I actually decided to take an incomplete for my philosophy class. Which actually has put me in a positive frame of mind since I’m not stressed. I’m feeling very motivated, I’m going to get through two classes and finish my philosophy work in the next 7 weeks. And I plan on getting all A’s.

You might be able to see where this is going. I do. At least I know that.

So getting back to what I said at the beginning of this, probably too long, blog post. Mood disorders and college do not mix. However that doesn’t mean I, or anyone, can’t do it. 

Mental disorders in the work place

A friend sent me a link (which I’ll put below) of a radio show talking about mental health in the work place. It was very interesting and just got me thinking. In the text of what the segment was about, it asks “would you tell your boss you had depression”.

No. Why disclose something like that? They will treat you differently, either for the better or the worse. You would get no privacy. They would be watching everything you do.

This is what I first thought.

Prior to my hospitalization, when I was misdiagnosed with major depressive disorder, the option of telling my employer was just not in my mind. The concept of doing this was so.. I don’t know.. Just didn’t seem right. I didn’t understand why someone would do that, wouldn’t you be putting your job in jeopardy? Even when I got my bipolar diagnosis and I had my hospital experience I didn’t think I would tell anyone.

Thinking back, I don’t remember when exactly I decided to tell them. I just remember feeling like I was keeping in this huge part of myself that was choking me. Trying to hide this was getting to be too much. Once I told them I felt so much better. They have been great with it. I get a lot of support, which I think is very important. I think someone with a mental disorder should get the chance to have support in all aspects of their life. I’m happy that I’m able to keep a job where I am comfortable with who I am and what I have to deal with. I’m lucky that I have this.

Last week I was present when someone said to a group of people that mentally unstable people should not be on disability (more was said but I’m not going to get into that). This statement is so wrong. I cannot express enough how much this effects my life. It effects anyone who has a mental disorder, deeply. I am lucky. I am able to work. But, there are many people out there who are not able to function in the work place. Do you think these people are happy about being on disability? No, they want to be out working like everyone else. Trust me, I’m sure anyone with a mental disorder wishes that they didn’t have it. Cause it’s not fun.

I’m working on another post about having a mental disorder in college, which I will post possibly tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Link to the radio show:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b048034w

50th post- delusions and hallucinations

Happy 50^th post! I feel like I should high five everyone and have cake.

Today I am going to touch base on delusions and hallucinations. I know there are some people out there who do not know the difference, so I will start with a little definition.

Delusions are beliefs that one holds on to firmly despite being contradicted in some way. Believing someone is talking about you, even when others tell you that is not happening. A hallucination is a sensory experience of something that does not actually exist. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, something that is not there.

I am fascinated by both of these. I find the subject very interesting. The fact that the brain can trick you into these just blows my mind. The fact that my brain can trick me does not blow my mind.

A lot goes on in my head. I can’t stress that enough. Sometimes I really feel like I’m losing my mind. There are too many sounds and thoughts and everything gets jumbled and things go to fast and I can’t stop it and it just takes over. And breathe.

I’m not very good at sharing these feelings with any of my doctors. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and for the first time I really told him what was going on. He thinks it is linked to severe anxiety. Which is good… I’m not psychotic or anything, which is always nice. He has given me a prescription for some anxiety meds, just to take when I feel I am getting to a bad level. I’ve been on anxiety meds before and they’ve done nothing, so we’ll see. One of the reasons I’m not going to therapy is because I don’t want to discuss this subject with him. For multiple reasons that I’m not going to get into.

I also saw my PCP yesterday. There was a med student who was with her and my doctor said some really nice things about me. It made me feel good to hear that she thinks I’m a very tough person. I don’t really agree with that, in fact I think I’m rather weak, but it was still nice to hear. She didn’t like that she hadn’t heard from me in a while and wants me to check in with her more often. I hate checking in with her, I feel like I’m wasting her time. Actually I feel like I waste a lot of people’s time.

Moving on. I feel I am at a good place right now. I’m not depressed, anxious, angry, I don’t feel like I’m losing it.  The plan is to stay in this place as long as possible.

I know a lot of this was vague. Sorry I wasn’t able to go into detail. Maybe someday.