A broken heart

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken?

Walking quickly to the bathroom with tears streaming down your face with your five year old following behind you quietly saying “it’s going to be ok mommy”.

That is what it feels like to have your heart broken. I always said I had my heart broken by a guy before. That was like a paper cut compared to this.

It’s one thing to be depressed. It’s one thing for others to know about it. It’s a whole different thing when your children are forced into this position. I’m not being the kind of mother my daughters deserve. And it hurts. You have no idea how much it hurts.

I’m now writing this in my bathroom because I’m crying again. They are happily in the living room watching a movie and they, hopefully, have no idea that I feel I am falling apart right now.

I don’t want you all to get the wrong idea. I’m actually doing alright right now. Yesterday I had a “crazy” day, I “drank” too much emotion, made bad decisions. Today I am hung over. I’m tired, feeling sick, and forced to deal with these scars. Read into that whatever way you want.

I’m just upset that I’m hurting my children. I honestly try my hardest to do the best for them, but I don’t feel it’s enough.  All I want for them is to be able to say when they are older that they “had a normal childhood”. It doesn’t have to be different or outstanding, just normal. I’m trying to give that to them, I wish I knew if I am.

3:30am

It’s 3:30am. I just woke up after a dream. One that I actual remembered, which if you’ve read past posts you know that I hardly ever remember them. Anyway. I hate when I do remember. It wasn’t a nightmare or even that bad, I just wish I didn’t have it. I think I may over think dreams.

And now I’m up with noises in my head and can’t get back to sleep. I could possibly take a Xanax which may help, but I think it would make it difficult to wake up when I actually have to in a couple hours. I will probably just stay up.

This could mean that I’m stressed. But I don’t know exactly what I’m stressed about. Yes there are a few things in life that suck, but nothing that is overly worrying. So I don’t know. I’ve been bothered lately. I just get annoyed easily. I am at a place that I kind of just want to be left alone. But that also scares me. It’s like I want to be alone, but I want someone close by that can save me if needed. I’m not sure if I know what I’m trying to say. I guess I don’t trust myself to be alone. Even when I’m not depressed.

I’m doing alright with the depression right now. Other than that bit of annoyance I’m getting my mood has been fairly stable. I’m hoping it stays for a while. On October 7^th I’m going to be on a panel about depression, and I rather do it when I’m not depressed. When I first offered to do it I was really nervous when I got the simple answer “you are in”. I started really thinking about it and got worried that I won’t do a good job. However now that I’ve had time to let it sink in I’m pretty excited. It’s another chance for me to share my story and educate people out there. There are going to be reps from the National Alliance on Mental Illness there. Which could scare me but I’m so excited that they will be there. It’s a great chance to make contact with an organization, which could open up more doors for me. It should be good.

My cat is thrilled that I’m awake, he is begging for attention, so I’m going to go. Bye!

Less therapy?

I had therapy today. It was a difficult session. Probably a good one, just difficult.  He asked me what we were going to work on when I start DBT. Other than body image issues I couldn’t think of anything. We brainstormed a couple things we could still do, but we pretty much came to the conclusion that I don’t need to come as often.

This makes me very nervous. I agree that with me doing DBT I don’t have much to do in therapy, but I just feel more comfortable with it being there. I’ve been going for 2 ½ years. It’s a regular part of my life. I just worry about things getting rocky again. Which I’m pretty sure will happen at some point. And I know I can always make an appointment if I’m in a crisis again, but still. Not the same as checking in on a regular basis.

I’m trying to think of more details of what we talked about. My mind is going blank. We talked about smiling, which we talked about a while back. I think I did a post on it. Anyway, the idea is to just smile more, even if you don’t feel like smiling. There have been studies that show smiling can put you in a better mood. I’m going to give it a try. Just try it. What do I have to lose?

I said something that he said was really good. I can’t remember what it was.

I have a feeling that as soon as I post this I’m going to have a lot more to say. I may end up doing another post tomorrow.

Quick update

I’m so tired, and I have no energy. Thinking about having to do simple things like making dinner really brings me down. I just want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep.

My lab work came back normal. Which is good of course, but there is still nothing obvious causing my exhaustion. I saw my psychiatrist today who said the meds I’m on probably are not causing fatigue. He does think that the antipsychotic is causing a lot of weight gain so we’re stopping that. He also upped my mood stabilizer. He said the weight gain could be making me feel sluggish, so hopefully this will help give me more energy. I am happy with this plan. I just can’t enjoy it cause of how crappy I’m feeling.

I’m not tired because I’m depressed. But I am getting depressed because I’m tired. I don’t feel like myself. Physically and mentally. I can’t stop sleeping. I’m even sleeping through my alarms. I’m not doing school work, which is causing me to really stress.

This is short, but I just wanted to give an update.

DBT interview

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, please take a moment to think about those who have been effected.

I had my DBT interview today and was accepted. I was given two options. 1) A six month intensive program where I would have to leave my current therapist and would be given a new therapist who specializes in the program. I would see the therapist and have group therapy on a regular basis and would also have access to call my therapist when needed to be “coached’ through difficult times. Or 2) A less intense group skills workshop which meets once a week. I’m going with the 2^nd option. I’m not comfortable not seeing my current therapist for six months.

I’m feeling better about the DBT thing though after hearing more about the program. It’s a lot less like traditional group therapy than I thought it would be. There isn’t a lot of sharing, but more about learning how to use different coping skills. I don’t know when I can start yet though. I need to call another person tomorrow who looks after the group for my town to discuss when they may have an opening.

I also saw my PCP today about how tired I’ve been lately. I had blood work done and will get the results tomorrow. She thinks it may just be med related. She is also concerned about the weight I’ve been gaining and said it was most likely due to the increased dose of my antipsychotic (I have gained 15 lbs since it was increased last month). So I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss this. I’m hoping there is something out there we haven’t tried yet that won’t cause weight gain and will also help me unlike everything else I’ve tried.

Withdrawing again

I didn’t sleep well last night. I had things on my mind. Mainly I was thinking about how much I’ve been sleeping the past three months. I’ve been absolutely exhausted. I have to really push through the day doing all the things that I have to do (work, parenting), but then when the evening comes and I sit down to do school work I just fall asleep. I really struggled finding the energy to get through the summer semesters, trying to do the same thing for this semester seems impossible. After spending a good deal of time thinking about it and talking it over with others, I decided to drop down to one class. My advisor once again talked me out of withdrawing completely.

Part of me feels like a failure. But I’m trying not to let that bother me. I’m trying to look after myself. It’s just hard. I hate that I’m always in such a hurry.

I’m feeling uneasy right now. I’m exhausted but my mind is racing. I hate when this happens. I just end up lying there with my mind jumping from thought to thought. At least if I had energy I could keep myself busy.

I’m starting to lose track of where I was going with this post. I really just want to go to sleep.

I need to find ways to get my energy back up.

My overdoses

This is one of those posts that could get me in trouble. So sorry in advanced.

I did a post about six weeks ago where I mentioned a couple overdoses. Two people came to me asking me about them. I had to spend some time thinking about if I was going to talk about this or not.

My first overdose was when I was 18. It was barely an overdose. I didn’t take much and ended up just sleeping it off. I think it was more of a cry for help than anything else. My second overdose was about a year later and took place over a couple days. Instead of taking a bunch of pills at once, I spent 2-3 days not eating or drinking anything, just popped pills. Thinking back it’s hard for me to say that I was actually trying to kill myself, it was more of an experiment of how far I could push it. It was almost like it was out of boredom. I talked about this recently with my therapist who said it was like a suicidal Russian roulette.

I don’t remember much of those days. It just got to a point where I decided it was time to stop and go to the hospital. They ran some tests and then admitted me for liver damage. My first night was hard, all I did was cry. The next morning I snapped. I couldn’t stay still in my bed any longer. I couldn’t stay in that hospital any longer. I was yelling at staff telling them to take out my IV. They eventually took it out only because I tried taking it out myself. I signed myself out against medical advice and went home.

I didn’t last long at home. I started feeling really awful. I tried watching TV to keep myself busy, but physically I wasn’t doing too well. This may sound a bit dramatic, but I felt like I was dying. I ended back at the hospital a few hours later.

As far as I know, only two people know the full details of this (up until now).

Afterwards I was referred to counselling, but hated it. They kept switching me around to different counselors and I would always have to start at the beginning. I stopped going. Thankfully nothing like this has happened since. I don’t feel like it would ever happen again.

I felt like it’s really been the last 2-3 years where I have started to come unraveled, I forget about these older events. I should have worked harder at getting help when I was younger. Maybe things would have turned out differently.  

The weight issue

I’m having a really hard time with my weight. I’ve put on even more weight since upping the dose of my antipsychotic. It’s really hard knowing that I’m heavier because of medication. It’s hard dealing with that little voice in the back of my head saying how I could just stop my medication and lose some of the weight. I was much happier when I was on medication that made me lose weight.

Well, until I was hospitalized. The weight loss thing was great until that point.

The majority of psychiatric medication has a side effect of weight gain. And since I have to be on medication there is no real way of escaping this. I wish I could just accept my body for the way it is, but I can’t. It’s like I’m programmed to want to be thin. I can’t get away from it. And I get so angry that I’m not the way I want to be.

I’ve spent pretty much all my life hating my body. I hate that I’m 26 years old and still so uncomfortable. At what age will I outgrow this and accept myself? I don’t think that’s actually going to happen.

I feel heavy and disgusting. I can’t stand myself. I hate this. I hate that I’m on this medication when it’s not even helping me. 

Taking steps

Today was an alright day. Not great, but not bad either. First day of the fall semester. The start of the semester always gets me excited. I registered for three classes, and all three classes didn’t go that smoothly. My first class was math, and within five minutes of it starting, I learnt that I don’t actually need to take that particular math for my degree. Arg. I was able to switch into the math class that I do need though so at least that’s sorted. Then on my way to my Sociology class I ran into my advisor who, when he found who was teaching the class, said she was intense. So for the entire class I had this worry in the back of my head about how intense she actually is and how I was going to do in the class. Then I had art. Which I decided pretty quickly I was going to drop. As she was talking about all the work we were going to be doing, all I could think about was there was no way I would have time for all this.

One of the things we have been discussing in therapy is what in my life I’m able to cut back on in order to be more stable. Out of the major things, school, work, being a mom, the only thing that I could actually cut back is school. So I’m doing that, I’m cutting back on my work load.

Look at me following through with something discussed in therapy. Aren’t you all proud??

Actually, I followed through on something else as well. I finally set up an interview for the DBT program. It’s next Wednesday. My therapist was very pleased when I told him this today. He did say though that if I’m accepted we may want to cut down on our appointments so I’m not overloaded with therapy. Which makes sense, I get it. But I also don’t like the idea of cutting down on my appointments with him. It just worries me.

For some reason he wanted to talk about the other people in my life, mainly my husband and parents, and how they react when I have an episode. Mainly my last episode. He was surprised when I told him that I didn’t tell my parents the details of that episode. I must have come off a certain way during this talk because he asked me, quite suddenly, how I felt talking about this. I didn’t feel good. He asked why. I told him that I can’t believe I went through that. I am so clear headed now, I just don’t know how it’s possible for me to slip into such a place. It makes me sad. Which I don’t want to be now so I’m going to stop and go do something happy.

Hope everyone is having a good start to September!