Anxiety attacks please go away

For the last 24 hours I’ve had anxiety attack upon anxiety attack. I know the reasons behind it, which I’m not going to get into, but I can’t figure out how to stop it. I have headaches, stomach aches, trouble breathing, pounding heart, I can’t focus, I feel pins and needles all over my body, and I generally feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I’ve tried breathing exercises, listened to rain music, tried Xanax. It is not stopping.

It’s not too bad when I’m directly interacting with the girls. But when they were eating dinner, taking a bath, and now watching tv, I am having a very hard time. I have to put them to bed in a couple minutes and I have no idea what I’m going to do. When this happened last night I just sat on the couch for two hours. I felt like I couldn’t move. I don’t know how I’m going to get through another night. I really need to work on school. Which is part of the anxiety. I feel like it is impossible for me to work on anything right now. I’m nervous. I just want to lay down and watch tv to try to distract myself. I can’t just do that, I need to work.

I feel like I can’t get out of this, feels like it’s going to be like this forever.

Starting again

I saw my therapist today. After a couple weeks of depression I finally made an appointment on Monday. Thankfully the depression lifted yesterday. I kept the appointment because I hadn’t been in for a while. That and my PCP said at my last check in that I should start seeing him on a regular basis again for my body issues.

The session today went very good. We talked mostly about the depression. He is amazed at how much I rapid-cycle. He told me something that I already knew, that there was a good chance that I will be battling this for life. Which I hate the thought of but I also understand it and am at peace with that. He then brought up something that I never really thought could happen. He said that the more I get settled in life, such as school. work, and other pleasures like owning my own home, that new happiness may push the clouds of depression out of my mind. I really like the thought of that. I am happy that I’m finishing up at a community college, and I’m thankful for my apartment. But I feel I’m far from what I want. I want to be further along in school, I can’t wait until I’m in grad school. I want to have a job in the field I want, or even an internship. I want to own my own house. I want to feel settled which I feel so far from right now. So with the changes I’ll face over the next five years I really hope the depression gets better.

He asked me if I tried anything to help myself over the past couple weeks. I was happy to tell him that I finally made an “in case of emergency” box. I didn’t open it, but at least I have one made! Now I just have to actually use it when I need it. He gave me a few extra ideas for my box.

In the past we talked a lot about trying transcranial magnetic stimulation. He said they are working on making a portable one that people could do themselves when they need instead of going to a hospital. He has no idea when it may come out, but I’m going to do some research later.

The last part of the session was talking about me coming in mainly for my body issues on a regular basis. Previously I was seeing him for my mood and once in a while we would touch on my body issues. This time around we will be focusing on my body issues and dealing with my mood when in need. We talked about a plan of approach and he is going to do some research of how best to deal with this as he doesn’t have much experience working with body dysmorphia and eating disorders. He said he has no problem seeing me again but because he will be making such an effort to help I have to make an effort to want to be helped. Which is going to be hard. I would love to live without these problems, but only if I’m smaller. I need to find a way to accept that getting “better” may not result in my becoming small.

So I’m going to start seeing him every other week.

Trying to keep it together

For the past two weeks I’ve been depressed. I wasn’t worried about it because it hasn’t been extreme and it’s been coming and going. But slowly it’s getting worse. And it’s not going away. Two weeks and I’m not any better.

Today wasn’t bad. I was busy and I had a good day with my daughters. We came home about 30 minutes ago and it hit me. Out of no where I feel lifeless. I had a shower to see if that would relax me. Nope. I just want to go to bed. I actually started crying at the fact that I have to put the girls to bed soon. It doesn’t sound like much, and seeing it written in front of me makes me feel horrible about myself. But I’m pushing myself just writing this. I haven’t done much to put the girls to bed. I’m basically sitting at my desk and watching my daughter use the laptop. But I cannot get their pjs or help them brush their teeth.

I’ve been sleeping up to 18 hours a day. For a while I was having trouble sleeping but then my doctor prescribed me a 2nd antidepressant to help me sleep. It is helping. But I’m sleeping too much. Not necessarily because I’m tired, but I just can’t stand being awake. I haven’t been doing school work. I’m falling behind.

I might make a therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s getting hard trying to keep it together.

For now I just want to go to sleep. I feel I can’t function. I need to turn off for a little while.

10,000

I've reached 10,000 views of this blog. Small accomplishment, but I'm happy.

I just wanted to thank everyone who reads. I love doing this and will hopefully be doing this for a while longer.

Try again

I’ve tried taking Intro to Philosophy three times now. The first time I dropped the class after a couple weeks. I was taking five classes which turned out to be way too many at that time, so a couple had to go. And Philosophy was one of them. Then I took it over the summer. I hated it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t do well. I fell behind very quickly. I actually took an incomplete and finished turning in my work a couple months later. And I failed. Which was hard to deal with but I also wasn’t surprised. My head wasn’t in it. I was having a rocky time during the summer. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. And I often felt like there was no point. There was a lot of negativity. I never fully enjoy summer in general because of it being hot and having to wear less layers. Nothing to hide behind. Like all summers I was incredibly uncomfortable. And it spread to all aspects of my life.

Fast forward. I am taking the class once again. I am actually enjoying it. I am taking more classes now than during the summer but I’m still handling it better. I am more stable than I was during the summer.

I just wanted to give you an example. Something so easy, so enjoyable, can be completely turned around when you are struggling mentally. If anyone of you are going through a rocky period and are struggling with something, try again. Don’t give up.

What do I want to do?

I’m taking a counseling skills class. I’m not enjoying it like I thought I would. The only thing that it’s really doing is putting me in a negative state of mind. I went into school to become a therapist specializing in postpartum depression. That was my end goal. I was positive that was what I wanted to do. This class is making me rethink that. It is showing me how uncomfortable I am in a one-on-one situation. If I am at a party and I am speaking to someone I barely know, or don’t know at all, it makes me very uncomfortable. For this class we’ve had to do counseling interviews, one with someone we knew and one with someone we’ve never met. I was nervous leading up to the interviews, I was nervous during the interviews, and I was upset after the interviews. This class is really starting to change my mind of what I want to do.

Now, for this class we also have to do a 45 minute group session. Mine is next week. I can’t wait. I’m loving the preparation I’m doing, I think I’m going to have fun during the session, and I think I’m going to feel good afterwards. In the past year I’ve been a guest speaker for an abnormal psych class, and I’ve been on a panel in front of 50-60 people. I was completely comfortable. I think I would be comfortable speaking in front of hundreds. I would love to be a speaker to a high school talking about mental health. I see that as fun. I feel so good about that, why am I so uncomfortable speaking to a single person? I really don’t know. If anyone understands this please let me know because I have no clue.

I really want to help parents with postpartum depression. I thought that is what I would be good at. This counseling class is starting to change my mind about what I want to do.

Three month weight check

I had my three month weight/eating check. Didn’t go great. When my doctor first asked me how I was I told her I was very tired and that I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s been taking hours to fall asleep (last night I didn’t get to sleep until 5am). I adjusted my schedule slightly but I still should be able to fall asleep quicker. She asked if there was a chance I was manic. Yeah, no. That I am sure of. She advised me to start taking benadryl and if that doesn’t work she will prescribe me something.

I was weighed which instantly put me in a bad mood. I lost barely anything since I last saw her. It’s frustrating because in the past if I was eating the same kind of diet that I’m eating now, I would actually lose something. I cannot get across how uncomfortable I am in this body. It hurts. I hurt. I can’t stand it. It hurts. I can’t say that enough.

We talked about that, how bad it was for me at this present time. She asked me what my ideal weight would be and I was completely honest. It is higher than what I got down to 2 ½ years ago so I think it’s fair. She does not. She thinks I only have to lose another 10 pounds to be where she feels I should be. We did a compromise and chose a goal weight that she feels is safe. Not that it matters. I’m not losing anything anyway. She did what she normally does at these appointments and spent some time trying to get it in my head that what I see is not correct. She said I’m at a healthy weight. I think I’m overweight. Even if I’m not technically overweight, I look strange and awkward.

I was shaky the whole appointment but I kept it together for a while. Until she said something that I’ve been told before by my therapist, and I know it’s possible in the back of my mind. The weight I’m at now, may be my new set weight. That’s when I started to cry. The idea of this being my new proper weight… I can’t bare it.

I know that I’m not doing all I can. I’ve pretty much stopped exercising because I have so much school work and I need to put all my spare time into this. It needs to be a priority. I only have six weeks left. After that I’ll be able to exercise a lot more. Unfortunately it will pretty much be almost summer so I won’t lose the weight I wanted in time for the warm weather.  

For anyone who is comfortable in their body. Anyone who can accept that their body is their own, it is the body they were born with and the body they are supposed to have: Be thankful. There are people out there with pain and who are unbearably uncomfortable . Completely trapped in a body that they feel is incorrect for them.

Which is worse: hallucinations or delusions?

Delusions are beliefs that one holds on to firmly despite being contradicted in some way. Believing someone is talking about you, even when others tell you that is not happening. A hallucination is a sensory experience of something that does not actually exist. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, something that is not there.

I was asked which I thought was worse: delusions or hallucinations.

Delusions.

I am sure this differs among those who have experienced both. And I understand why someone would say hallucinations. It really comes down to exactly what that person experienced. For me it’s delusions.

Can hallucinations be scary? Of course. Seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling something that is not really there is a huge deal especially to someone who has never experienced this before. You wonder why it is happening and when it is going to stop. Will it go away on its own or should I get some medical help. Am I crazy?

For me hallucinations were scary at first, but honestly not that bad. I guess I already felt “crazy’ so throwing this in didn’t surprise me. I was concerned yes. The little noises I started to hear, I knew they weren’t normal or good. However I didn’t feel they were a big deal and even worth mentioning. I never told anyone for a long time, and when I did I didn’t make a big deal about it. The two times I heard actual voices took me a while before I realized they were hallucinations. And I was not scared. I was annoyed. The reason why I didn’t realize at first what they were was that I was delusional. I did not realize they were hallucinations. To me they were completely normal. Thinking that there were mice talking about me, or people warning me that others were plotting against me, they were completely real in my mind.

To me delusions are not just worse, they are not just scary, they are terrifying. While I was experiencing this I didn’t realize that I was. I was gone. Completely checked out of reality. What is terrifying is when I “woke up”. What just happened? I barely remembered anything. I lost control, that much I knew. Would it happen again? It’s terrifying.

I did a quick look on Google to see if I could find someone who was answering the same question. I couldn’t find anything on my first go. I might do some more in depth research because I am really curious on what others think.