Ice Cream

So I was feeling pretty good about my body. Not amazing of course. But I’ve been exercising daily and eating pretty well. The number on the scale has slowly been going down. I had hope. Yeah, I was feeling ok. And then I weighed myself this morning. The number went up. All of a sudden my thighs are bigger. My stomach is flabby. My arms are weak. I honestly look heavier.

How does this even happen?

I know that if that number goes up a pound or two it is not going to change the look of my body. I get that. But looking at myself through my eyes, I’m 20 lbs heavier. Why? Why do I see myself this way?

I have no motivation this morning. I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing. With a blanket over me so I don’t have to look at various parts of my body. I want to close my eyes really tight and pretend I’m smaller.

I hate warm weather. Yes it’s great. Better than winter, I agree. But there is no hiding. I am out there for everyone to see. I’m out there for myself to see. I’m stressed out. My feelings on my body actually stress me out. And I do not know how to handle that kind of stress so I just sit on the bathroom floor crying. What else can I do?

I had ice cream yesterday. It’s because of the single soft served ice cream cone. That is what made the number go up. And now I’m upset that I ate that ice cream and I can’t take it back. I can just feel the fat from that sitting on me and I can’t shake it off.

Yes, a serving of ice cream can do this to me.

Weight goals

Therapist appointment yesterday. We spent the session talking about my views on my body. Is it something that can go away or is it something I will live with? Can I learn to accept it? At the present time I cannot accept it. Of course I want to, but I only want to accept it if I have the body I want. Which obviously is not actually accepting it. I don’t know if I will ever accept it. When I was seventeen I assumed that I would be over these issues in a couple years. Here I am ten years later.

I have made two big goals. The first one being to stop thinking that I want to be thin and instead that I want to be fit. I’m hoping that will help me not feel I have to get down to my goal weight. To help with that I am training. I am hiking a large mountain next month so I am training myself for that. I have weight loss goals. I want to lose a particular amount of weight before my wedding anniversary on June 10th. Then another amount of weight before my next doctor’s appointment the beginning of July. Then the final amount before the fall semester starts. I hate having these goals. My second goal goes along with this first one.

The second goal is to get rid of my scale. I weigh myself daily, which for me is nothing. There have been times that I’ve weighed myself as much as five times a day. I want to set little goals for myself. The first being to weigh myself every other day. Then every three days. Then every four days, etc. In the near future I would like to weigh myself once a week. July 1st is what I’m aiming for. It would be amazing if I could only weigh myself once a week. And be alright with it. I don’t want to spend all week tearing my hair out because I don’t know. I want to be comfortable. But yes, my long term goal is to not weigh myself at all. I don’t like being a slave to a number.

As for my weight loss, I have hit the range that my doctor feels is the correct weight for me. This is the weight I was at when I moved here from Ireland almost four years ago. The weight I was at for a straight solid year. I am of course not happy. I feel I have a long way to go.

When

When I was five I was shown a picture of myself. I was confused. I did not know what my mom was talking about. That was not me. When it became clear that it was me all I could think about was how there must have been a mistake. That was not supposed to be my body.

When I was 27 years, 4 months, 13 days days old I looked at a picture of myself. This was not supposed to be my body.

My thinking has never changed.

When I was four my dad would carry me to bed. I would be amazed that he could carry something so heavy.

When I took swimming lessons I thought it was a miracle that the floaties could hold me up.

When my family had family portraits done I was worried that other people were going to see me stationary in a picture, looking at me for as long as they wanted.

When I ate food I thought it was just holding this body down. Instead of going off to find the right body and make the switch.

When I was seven I thought that the body I was given was taking up too much space.

When I was 16 I had hope that I could change my current body into the “right” body.

If anyone ever wondered when my eating disorder started. That was it. It was when I would sit on the floor of my bedroom, looking through magazines trying to figure out what my correct body was supposed to be. It was when I walked to CVS, bought a box of chocolate covered raisins, went to my old elementary school, laid them all out, counted them, and went home. It was when I stole diet pills. It was when I failed my driving test after staying up all night quietly exercising in my room.

When will it be over?

Breakdown?

Very slowly I feel I am heading to a breakdown. It’s becoming hard for me to think, and feel, and function. Playing with the girls, housework, homework, all seem impossible. I’ve felt this way before. I can push myself with the girls. I have help with housework. There is nothing I can do for school. I’m really doubting myself. I sent a message to my advisor telling him that I feel this is impossible, and I really don’t think I can finish school. This is the reply he sent me.

I know the feelings are real. And at the same time the feelings are just feelings. Respect yourself and honor those feelings, and at the same time rally other parts of yourself that want and need you to cross this milestone. You are capable. You are talented. You are worth it. I believe in you. I also know that those parts of you that feel this is impossible and unimportant are true -- and I also know that other parts of you know you are talented, capable, and worth it.

It was a nice message. But it’s hard to keep that in my mind. I have made a box to help with depression. I can try using that to help me. But this is different than depression. I’m necessarily depressed. I just feel like I’m losing myself. School is a big priority. I have an accommodation agreement with my school to help me during these episodes. I’m able to miss classes and it not being counted against me, and I’m allowed to make up all work and tests. The only thing is I only have a couple weeks left. Not much time to finish the amount of work I still have to do.

I just need to find a way to keep myself from falling more. It’s just hard to figure out how to do that.