Lamictal withdraw hell

I’m in a depressive hangover. Probably not a real term but that’s what I call it. I’m not exactly still depressed, but I’m exhausted and teary. It takes a lot to focus on my breath. I’m functioning much better though.

Apparently I need to stay on this mood stabilizer. I cut my dose in half for a few days and then cut it out completely. The first few days I was moody with periods of depression. Then when I had stopped taking it I was hit was a crippling depression. I stopped doing school work, I haven’t showered in days. I’ve been doing the bare minimum. It was a pretty normal depressive episode for the most part, but then last night it turned really bad. I didn’t want to think but I didn’t want to go to sleep cause that meant I had to wake up. I kept thinking that I just wanted to go to the hospital but I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to everyone. Eventually I had a Xanax and went to sleep.

When I woke up this morning I felt like I was still sleeping. I woke up at like 11:30a, brought my daughters to school, and went back to sleep. I woke back up at 2:30p and went to see my psychiatrist. When I got there he asked me what was going on in my head and I told him I felt like I was dying. I felt like I came as far as I could and I wasn’t able to go on any further. He put me back on the mood stabilizer and upped the dose of the antipsychotic (his care summary I got after talked about an “outright psychosis”. I’m still not sure what the “outright” actually means). I went home, went back to sleep. Woke up at some point and took my meds and slowly I started coming back.

I’m so tired. I feel like I’m not capable to do anything. I wish I could sleep for a really long time and then not have to worry about picking up the pieces. I need to find the energy to shower.