New Website

For anyone who gets notifications directly from this site for a new post, please be aware that I will no longer be posting on this site. Notifications will no longer be going out.

The actual site for my posts is still amadreality.com

Sometimes I can't shower

Not showering is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I know I have trouble showering during an episode. Never too serious though. Some people can go weeks without showering. I don’t think I’ve gone more than five days.

I know a lot of you don’t get it. I mean, all it is is standing in some warm water while we clean ourselves. Why are there times that we just don’t want to do it? For myself I know there are three reasons.

First, I’m too tired. Everyone knows if you are suffering from depression then you have barely any energy. It takes a load of strength just to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it takes strength just to open your eyes. Every little movement is exhausting. Standing up is difficult. Adding in the trouble of rubbing soap all over yourself is a step too far. And even if you are lucky to have a little energy left, you might choose to use it somewhere else; like eating or paying a bill.

Secondly, I don’t have time to waste. With hypomania, time moves much faster than it really does. I often find myself doing a few things at once. Cleaning the house while trying to watch TV at the same time and also researching graduate schools on the computer. I just do not have the patience to take a shower. Why would I want to waste that time when I could be doing something more important?

Lastly, there is the self-hatred. There are times I do not want to shower because I can’t stand my body. I can’t stand anyone seeing me. Even myself. No way can I deal with seeing myself naked. I am just so uncomfortable with myself. I rather pretend my body doesn’t exist than stand in the shower focusing on cleaning it. It’s just too much.

So those are the three reasons why there are times I do not want to shower. The majority of the time I love showering. There is nothing like taking a hot shower before bedtime. I love going to sleep feeling so clean. And a lot of times I feel better about my body when I know I’m clean. But unfortunately I forget about this when I am having a tough time. Sometimes I just can’t do it.

The most deadliest mental disorder

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, or EDNOS, is statistically the most deadliest mental disorder, and also the least known eating disorder. A person is diagnosed with EDNOS when they have the symptoms of an eating disorder but does not meet the full criteria of another eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. For example an individual may restrict their eating but has not lost enough weight for an anorexia diagnosis.

The risks of EDNOS is just as severe as other eating disorders. Restricting can result in low blood pressure, reduced heart rate, hormonal imbalance, bone weakening, and heart failure. Purging can cause dehydration, heart problems, and stomach rupture.

The reason why it is the most serious eating disorder is because it is taken less seriously by sufferers. Many do not feel it is a real eating disorder therefore do not understand that it is still a problem. These people are often too embarrassed to get help; they do not feel that they are “good enough” to be diagnosed with a “proper” eating disorder.

Getting the proper treatment is also a problem with EDNOS. Because the disorder varies so much it is hard to find a proper treatment plan. An individual with EDNOS will go through the same treatment as someone with anorexia or bulimia, but this treatment is less likely to work simply because their disorder is not the typical eating disorder.

EDNOS is a real disorder. Like any other eating disorder, it is serious. Let us take a look at the numbers. 24 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder. Half of that are Americans suffering from EDNOS. Of those 12 million, 624,000 sufferers will die from a complication of EDNOS. That is a horrible number especially because it is considered not as serious as other disorders. Things need to change. When it comes to education, EDNOS should be taught at the same degree as anorexia and bulimia. It should be understood that it is just as serious, and that there is help available, just as other eating disorders.

I didn't plan to

I did something I never planned to do; I told my therapist my goal weight. The only other person that knew was my PCP. When he asked I told him I wasn’t going to tell him but then he started going off talking about how I was in therapy and this was the place to talk about that. So I told him what it was. He asked what my lowest weight was. I told him that as well. It was less than my goal weight. He said that I was in more trouble if I got down to my goal weight and then continued. He asked me why I kept going.

I did get to a point where I felt I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. The night I stepped on the scale to see that number I told myself that I could now eat. I ate chicken wings that night. After that I started gaining weight (because of a new medication they had put me on), and it didn’t stop.

This therapy session today was very good. He got me thinking in a way that I normally wouldn’t. While I was telling him things such as the reasons I felt I needed to be smaller and what I was trying to prove and why won’t I stop, I felt silly. I was embarrassed answering his questions. I’m not saying this session “saved” me, but it did make me think differently which is a good thing.

It was not completely positive though. He asked me to imagine a perfect world where I wasn’t haunted by this. I was unable to imagine that. He also used “underweight” twice while he was talking. This made me feel good and bad at the same time. I was proud that I had got to that weight. And I was sad that I probably will never be at that weight again. Which I know deep down that is a good thing. I’ve been told I was too thin. My PCP said I looked like an addict. A bit dramatic but whatever. Getting back to today..

As I was leaving he asked if this is helping. I told him that I thought so, I wasn’t completely sure yet. I did tell him that I was trying. Which is something I didn’t really want to do in the past. And this is all scary and hard for me. We are going to keep working on it.

Two days ago I moved my scale to the basement. I was trying to go every other day but seeing the scale every morning I couldn’t help but step on it. So I got it away from the bathroom. I have not weighed myself in two days. It has not been easy. I wonder when I’m going to crack and go downstairs. Hopefully the next time I find out my weight is next month when I’m weighed for my PCP. Most likely I will check my weight before then, but I like to think I can hold on. We will see.

Ice Cream

So I was feeling pretty good about my body. Not amazing of course. But I’ve been exercising daily and eating pretty well. The number on the scale has slowly been going down. I had hope. Yeah, I was feeling ok. And then I weighed myself this morning. The number went up. All of a sudden my thighs are bigger. My stomach is flabby. My arms are weak. I honestly look heavier.

How does this even happen?

I know that if that number goes up a pound or two it is not going to change the look of my body. I get that. But looking at myself through my eyes, I’m 20 lbs heavier. Why? Why do I see myself this way?

I have no motivation this morning. I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing. With a blanket over me so I don’t have to look at various parts of my body. I want to close my eyes really tight and pretend I’m smaller.

I hate warm weather. Yes it’s great. Better than winter, I agree. But there is no hiding. I am out there for everyone to see. I’m out there for myself to see. I’m stressed out. My feelings on my body actually stress me out. And I do not know how to handle that kind of stress so I just sit on the bathroom floor crying. What else can I do?

I had ice cream yesterday. It’s because of the single soft served ice cream cone. That is what made the number go up. And now I’m upset that I ate that ice cream and I can’t take it back. I can just feel the fat from that sitting on me and I can’t shake it off.

Yes, a serving of ice cream can do this to me.

Weight goals

Therapist appointment yesterday. We spent the session talking about my views on my body. Is it something that can go away or is it something I will live with? Can I learn to accept it? At the present time I cannot accept it. Of course I want to, but I only want to accept it if I have the body I want. Which obviously is not actually accepting it. I don’t know if I will ever accept it. When I was seventeen I assumed that I would be over these issues in a couple years. Here I am ten years later.

I have made two big goals. The first one being to stop thinking that I want to be thin and instead that I want to be fit. I’m hoping that will help me not feel I have to get down to my goal weight. To help with that I am training. I am hiking a large mountain next month so I am training myself for that. I have weight loss goals. I want to lose a particular amount of weight before my wedding anniversary on June 10th. Then another amount of weight before my next doctor’s appointment the beginning of July. Then the final amount before the fall semester starts. I hate having these goals. My second goal goes along with this first one.

The second goal is to get rid of my scale. I weigh myself daily, which for me is nothing. There have been times that I’ve weighed myself as much as five times a day. I want to set little goals for myself. The first being to weigh myself every other day. Then every three days. Then every four days, etc. In the near future I would like to weigh myself once a week. July 1st is what I’m aiming for. It would be amazing if I could only weigh myself once a week. And be alright with it. I don’t want to spend all week tearing my hair out because I don’t know. I want to be comfortable. But yes, my long term goal is to not weigh myself at all. I don’t like being a slave to a number.

As for my weight loss, I have hit the range that my doctor feels is the correct weight for me. This is the weight I was at when I moved here from Ireland almost four years ago. The weight I was at for a straight solid year. I am of course not happy. I feel I have a long way to go.

When

When I was five I was shown a picture of myself. I was confused. I did not know what my mom was talking about. That was not me. When it became clear that it was me all I could think about was how there must have been a mistake. That was not supposed to be my body.

When I was 27 years, 4 months, 13 days days old I looked at a picture of myself. This was not supposed to be my body.

My thinking has never changed.

When I was four my dad would carry me to bed. I would be amazed that he could carry something so heavy.

When I took swimming lessons I thought it was a miracle that the floaties could hold me up.

When my family had family portraits done I was worried that other people were going to see me stationary in a picture, looking at me for as long as they wanted.

When I ate food I thought it was just holding this body down. Instead of going off to find the right body and make the switch.

When I was seven I thought that the body I was given was taking up too much space.

When I was 16 I had hope that I could change my current body into the “right” body.

If anyone ever wondered when my eating disorder started. That was it. It was when I would sit on the floor of my bedroom, looking through magazines trying to figure out what my correct body was supposed to be. It was when I walked to CVS, bought a box of chocolate covered raisins, went to my old elementary school, laid them all out, counted them, and went home. It was when I stole diet pills. It was when I failed my driving test after staying up all night quietly exercising in my room.

When will it be over?

Breakdown?

Very slowly I feel I am heading to a breakdown. It’s becoming hard for me to think, and feel, and function. Playing with the girls, housework, homework, all seem impossible. I’ve felt this way before. I can push myself with the girls. I have help with housework. There is nothing I can do for school. I’m really doubting myself. I sent a message to my advisor telling him that I feel this is impossible, and I really don’t think I can finish school. This is the reply he sent me.

I know the feelings are real. And at the same time the feelings are just feelings. Respect yourself and honor those feelings, and at the same time rally other parts of yourself that want and need you to cross this milestone. You are capable. You are talented. You are worth it. I believe in you. I also know that those parts of you that feel this is impossible and unimportant are true -- and I also know that other parts of you know you are talented, capable, and worth it.

It was a nice message. But it’s hard to keep that in my mind. I have made a box to help with depression. I can try using that to help me. But this is different than depression. I’m necessarily depressed. I just feel like I’m losing myself. School is a big priority. I have an accommodation agreement with my school to help me during these episodes. I’m able to miss classes and it not being counted against me, and I’m allowed to make up all work and tests. The only thing is I only have a couple weeks left. Not much time to finish the amount of work I still have to do.

I just need to find a way to keep myself from falling more. It’s just hard to figure out how to do that.

Anxiety attacks please go away

For the last 24 hours I’ve had anxiety attack upon anxiety attack. I know the reasons behind it, which I’m not going to get into, but I can’t figure out how to stop it. I have headaches, stomach aches, trouble breathing, pounding heart, I can’t focus, I feel pins and needles all over my body, and I generally feel like I’m on the verge of a breakdown. I’ve tried breathing exercises, listened to rain music, tried Xanax. It is not stopping.

It’s not too bad when I’m directly interacting with the girls. But when they were eating dinner, taking a bath, and now watching tv, I am having a very hard time. I have to put them to bed in a couple minutes and I have no idea what I’m going to do. When this happened last night I just sat on the couch for two hours. I felt like I couldn’t move. I don’t know how I’m going to get through another night. I really need to work on school. Which is part of the anxiety. I feel like it is impossible for me to work on anything right now. I’m nervous. I just want to lay down and watch tv to try to distract myself. I can’t just do that, I need to work.

I feel like I can’t get out of this, feels like it’s going to be like this forever.

Starting again

I saw my therapist today. After a couple weeks of depression I finally made an appointment on Monday. Thankfully the depression lifted yesterday. I kept the appointment because I hadn’t been in for a while. That and my PCP said at my last check in that I should start seeing him on a regular basis again for my body issues.

The session today went very good. We talked mostly about the depression. He is amazed at how much I rapid-cycle. He told me something that I already knew, that there was a good chance that I will be battling this for life. Which I hate the thought of but I also understand it and am at peace with that. He then brought up something that I never really thought could happen. He said that the more I get settled in life, such as school. work, and other pleasures like owning my own home, that new happiness may push the clouds of depression out of my mind. I really like the thought of that. I am happy that I’m finishing up at a community college, and I’m thankful for my apartment. But I feel I’m far from what I want. I want to be further along in school, I can’t wait until I’m in grad school. I want to have a job in the field I want, or even an internship. I want to own my own house. I want to feel settled which I feel so far from right now. So with the changes I’ll face over the next five years I really hope the depression gets better.

He asked me if I tried anything to help myself over the past couple weeks. I was happy to tell him that I finally made an “in case of emergency” box. I didn’t open it, but at least I have one made! Now I just have to actually use it when I need it. He gave me a few extra ideas for my box.

In the past we talked a lot about trying transcranial magnetic stimulation. He said they are working on making a portable one that people could do themselves when they need instead of going to a hospital. He has no idea when it may come out, but I’m going to do some research later.

The last part of the session was talking about me coming in mainly for my body issues on a regular basis. Previously I was seeing him for my mood and once in a while we would touch on my body issues. This time around we will be focusing on my body issues and dealing with my mood when in need. We talked about a plan of approach and he is going to do some research of how best to deal with this as he doesn’t have much experience working with body dysmorphia and eating disorders. He said he has no problem seeing me again but because he will be making such an effort to help I have to make an effort to want to be helped. Which is going to be hard. I would love to live without these problems, but only if I’m smaller. I need to find a way to accept that getting “better” may not result in my becoming small.

So I’m going to start seeing him every other week.

Trying to keep it together

For the past two weeks I’ve been depressed. I wasn’t worried about it because it hasn’t been extreme and it’s been coming and going. But slowly it’s getting worse. And it’s not going away. Two weeks and I’m not any better.

Today wasn’t bad. I was busy and I had a good day with my daughters. We came home about 30 minutes ago and it hit me. Out of no where I feel lifeless. I had a shower to see if that would relax me. Nope. I just want to go to bed. I actually started crying at the fact that I have to put the girls to bed soon. It doesn’t sound like much, and seeing it written in front of me makes me feel horrible about myself. But I’m pushing myself just writing this. I haven’t done much to put the girls to bed. I’m basically sitting at my desk and watching my daughter use the laptop. But I cannot get their pjs or help them brush their teeth.

I’ve been sleeping up to 18 hours a day. For a while I was having trouble sleeping but then my doctor prescribed me a 2nd antidepressant to help me sleep. It is helping. But I’m sleeping too much. Not necessarily because I’m tired, but I just can’t stand being awake. I haven’t been doing school work. I’m falling behind.

I might make a therapy appointment tomorrow. It’s getting hard trying to keep it together.

For now I just want to go to sleep. I feel I can’t function. I need to turn off for a little while.

10,000

I've reached 10,000 views of this blog. Small accomplishment, but I'm happy.

I just wanted to thank everyone who reads. I love doing this and will hopefully be doing this for a while longer.

Try again

I’ve tried taking Intro to Philosophy three times now. The first time I dropped the class after a couple weeks. I was taking five classes which turned out to be way too many at that time, so a couple had to go. And Philosophy was one of them. Then I took it over the summer. I hated it. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t do well. I fell behind very quickly. I actually took an incomplete and finished turning in my work a couple months later. And I failed. Which was hard to deal with but I also wasn’t surprised. My head wasn’t in it. I was having a rocky time during the summer. I felt like I couldn’t do anything. And I often felt like there was no point. There was a lot of negativity. I never fully enjoy summer in general because of it being hot and having to wear less layers. Nothing to hide behind. Like all summers I was incredibly uncomfortable. And it spread to all aspects of my life.

Fast forward. I am taking the class once again. I am actually enjoying it. I am taking more classes now than during the summer but I’m still handling it better. I am more stable than I was during the summer.

I just wanted to give you an example. Something so easy, so enjoyable, can be completely turned around when you are struggling mentally. If anyone of you are going through a rocky period and are struggling with something, try again. Don’t give up.

What do I want to do?

I’m taking a counseling skills class. I’m not enjoying it like I thought I would. The only thing that it’s really doing is putting me in a negative state of mind. I went into school to become a therapist specializing in postpartum depression. That was my end goal. I was positive that was what I wanted to do. This class is making me rethink that. It is showing me how uncomfortable I am in a one-on-one situation. If I am at a party and I am speaking to someone I barely know, or don’t know at all, it makes me very uncomfortable. For this class we’ve had to do counseling interviews, one with someone we knew and one with someone we’ve never met. I was nervous leading up to the interviews, I was nervous during the interviews, and I was upset after the interviews. This class is really starting to change my mind of what I want to do.

Now, for this class we also have to do a 45 minute group session. Mine is next week. I can’t wait. I’m loving the preparation I’m doing, I think I’m going to have fun during the session, and I think I’m going to feel good afterwards. In the past year I’ve been a guest speaker for an abnormal psych class, and I’ve been on a panel in front of 50-60 people. I was completely comfortable. I think I would be comfortable speaking in front of hundreds. I would love to be a speaker to a high school talking about mental health. I see that as fun. I feel so good about that, why am I so uncomfortable speaking to a single person? I really don’t know. If anyone understands this please let me know because I have no clue.

I really want to help parents with postpartum depression. I thought that is what I would be good at. This counseling class is starting to change my mind about what I want to do.

Three month weight check

I had my three month weight/eating check. Didn’t go great. When my doctor first asked me how I was I told her I was very tired and that I haven’t been sleeping well lately. It’s been taking hours to fall asleep (last night I didn’t get to sleep until 5am). I adjusted my schedule slightly but I still should be able to fall asleep quicker. She asked if there was a chance I was manic. Yeah, no. That I am sure of. She advised me to start taking benadryl and if that doesn’t work she will prescribe me something.

I was weighed which instantly put me in a bad mood. I lost barely anything since I last saw her. It’s frustrating because in the past if I was eating the same kind of diet that I’m eating now, I would actually lose something. I cannot get across how uncomfortable I am in this body. It hurts. I hurt. I can’t stand it. It hurts. I can’t say that enough.

We talked about that, how bad it was for me at this present time. She asked me what my ideal weight would be and I was completely honest. It is higher than what I got down to 2 ½ years ago so I think it’s fair. She does not. She thinks I only have to lose another 10 pounds to be where she feels I should be. We did a compromise and chose a goal weight that she feels is safe. Not that it matters. I’m not losing anything anyway. She did what she normally does at these appointments and spent some time trying to get it in my head that what I see is not correct. She said I’m at a healthy weight. I think I’m overweight. Even if I’m not technically overweight, I look strange and awkward.

I was shaky the whole appointment but I kept it together for a while. Until she said something that I’ve been told before by my therapist, and I know it’s possible in the back of my mind. The weight I’m at now, may be my new set weight. That’s when I started to cry. The idea of this being my new proper weight… I can’t bare it.

I know that I’m not doing all I can. I’ve pretty much stopped exercising because I have so much school work and I need to put all my spare time into this. It needs to be a priority. I only have six weeks left. After that I’ll be able to exercise a lot more. Unfortunately it will pretty much be almost summer so I won’t lose the weight I wanted in time for the warm weather.  

For anyone who is comfortable in their body. Anyone who can accept that their body is their own, it is the body they were born with and the body they are supposed to have: Be thankful. There are people out there with pain and who are unbearably uncomfortable . Completely trapped in a body that they feel is incorrect for them.

Which is worse: hallucinations or delusions?

Delusions are beliefs that one holds on to firmly despite being contradicted in some way. Believing someone is talking about you, even when others tell you that is not happening. A hallucination is a sensory experience of something that does not actually exist. Seeing, hearing, feeling, smelling, something that is not there.

I was asked which I thought was worse: delusions or hallucinations.

Delusions.

I am sure this differs among those who have experienced both. And I understand why someone would say hallucinations. It really comes down to exactly what that person experienced. For me it’s delusions.

Can hallucinations be scary? Of course. Seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling something that is not really there is a huge deal especially to someone who has never experienced this before. You wonder why it is happening and when it is going to stop. Will it go away on its own or should I get some medical help. Am I crazy?

For me hallucinations were scary at first, but honestly not that bad. I guess I already felt “crazy’ so throwing this in didn’t surprise me. I was concerned yes. The little noises I started to hear, I knew they weren’t normal or good. However I didn’t feel they were a big deal and even worth mentioning. I never told anyone for a long time, and when I did I didn’t make a big deal about it. The two times I heard actual voices took me a while before I realized they were hallucinations. And I was not scared. I was annoyed. The reason why I didn’t realize at first what they were was that I was delusional. I did not realize they were hallucinations. To me they were completely normal. Thinking that there were mice talking about me, or people warning me that others were plotting against me, they were completely real in my mind.

To me delusions are not just worse, they are not just scary, they are terrifying. While I was experiencing this I didn’t realize that I was. I was gone. Completely checked out of reality. What is terrifying is when I “woke up”. What just happened? I barely remembered anything. I lost control, that much I knew. Would it happen again? It’s terrifying.

I did a quick look on Google to see if I could find someone who was answering the same question. I couldn’t find anything on my first go. I might do some more in depth research because I am really curious on what others think.

Pizza

I purposely did not take my meds at my usual time tonight. I had a couple of assignments due at midnight and I knew if I took my meds I was going to fall asleep without getting them in. So I didn’t take my meds until after midnight. And now it’s backfiring. 3:30am and I’m wide awake. I don’t think the meds have actually hit my system yet. And if I skip a dose I start to have hypomanic symptoms. So here I am. Awake.

And I’m writing just because why not? I actually don’t have much to say.

I ate pizza today. I’ve been eating wicked healthy lately and I’m in the process of switching to a vegan diet again (I didn’t want to do it all at once). But pizza sounded good so I thought it would be a cheat day. I ate pizza, half a chocolate bar, and an iced tea. And I kinda hate myself for it. Pizza, chocolate, iced tea. Six months ago this would not be unusual for me. A night like this I could handle. Sure I would be a little upset that I ate so much, but so do many others. However, now? No. This was a huge mistake. Not only do I feel disgusting physically, but I can feel it mentally as well. I cannot believe I gave in and had such food. It’s awful. Disgusting and awful. And yes, I know it sounds very dramatic. But remember, this is what is going on in my head. And no one else in the world knows what is going on in my head. It’s a mess up there. I’ve cleaned up a little, but it’s still messy. Like a little kid’s room. It looks clean but there is still a mess under the bed.

I’m really hoping this is a once off. I want to get back on track. I have my follow up with my doctor in two weeks (where she is checking my weight and eating and exercise habits). I want to go into that appointment feeling comfortable with myself and not break down. I would very much like my doctor to be able to relax a little. And it would be nice if I didn’t have to come in for another check.

I may have had more to say than I thought.

Still not tired. I’m going to go study for my midterm.

Bad student, anxiety, Xanax, depression, boxes. Great title isn't it?

I’m a bad student. I should be doing school work. However it is spring break and I also got five assignments back in the last three days and they were all A’s. Soooo, I’m taking a couple days off. It means working a lot more to make up for these days. But oh well!

I feel really on edge. I keep being hit by an anxiety feeling for no reason. It doesn’t last long, usually not more than 30/45 minutes. And I really do not know where it’s coming from. I will feel fine and all of a sudden my heart rate goes up, I feel dizzy, and just very panicky. It’s strange. It’s happened before, but still strange. Maybe I’m worrying about something that I don’t realize I’m worrying about. But I’m also getting anxiety from small things. My husband was watching The Walking Dead last night and even though I wasn’t actually watching (I was internet shopping), I still felt anxious about this show.

And even though I keep having these mini anxiety episodes, each time they happen I don’t feel like it’s something that is going to go away in half an hour. I pace the house in a panic trying to ignore my Xanax yelping at me from my purse. I hate taking Xanax. I still take it once in a while, but I hate the stuff. Better than Ativan though, which I had a very love/hate relationship with. People, if you can avoid taking these medications just stay away from them.

Saying that is really going against how I usually feel and voice my opinion. They are bad news for me, but if they help you and you can handle them, do what’s best for you. In general I try not to tell people to do something, or take something, that has worked for me in the past. Or to stay away from something that didn’t work for me. What works for some people may not work for others. That’s really what I should have said above. I could have erased and edited what I wrote previously, but I try not to do that on this blog.

Anyway. I’m just now wondering if my anxiety is trying to be full on anxiety but I’m doing things to tame it. Does that make sense? I’ve been exercising really well, I’ve been eating a very good diet (at least compared to the past). I’m doing things like listening to music I like (instead of whatever is playing on the Disney Channel). I’m watching old shows I used to be crazy about. I’m sure all these things are really helping me, and possibly kicking the anxiety away.

If these things are helping with anxiety, they will possibly help with depression. I wrote in a post, possibly my last post, that I needed to start doing things to help my depression. One of the things my therapist urged me to do was make an “in case of emergency box” (it doesn’t actually have to be a box). Basically I would put in a box, or make a list (or both), of things that could help me feel better. Movies, CDs, a nice smelling lotion, names of people to hang out with. You get the idea. Like everything else my therapist suggested I did not do this. I wish I could say I’ve been working on this idea for a while, in fact I only thought about it two minutes ago. But I think I’ll do both. I’ll make a box and put in things like lotions, books, magazines, CDs, maybe chocolate, and then make a list of other things that can help.

There is a good chance that I won’t do this any time soon. My aim is for my husband to read this and push me to do it.

I’m running out of things to say. And I’m multitasking this with watching YouTube. So I’m going to go and focus on that.

Geodon is making me sleeppppyyyyy

I get very tired, pretty much every day around 11am and then around 9pm. Like extremely tired. I fell asleep in the library today at about 11:30am. Most nights I can’t make it past 10pm. It just really hit me that it is the Geodon I’m taking (the antipsychotic). I take it most mornings around 8am and then in the evenings around 5-6pm. I did a little research online and found some reporting the same problem, that they get unbelievably exhausted a few hours after taking this medication.

Night time is not a huge problem. I do need to stay up later for school work though. So I’m going to start taking it later at night. Simple fix. Mornings are going to be tough. The obvious solution is caffeine, but I hate coffee and I gave up soda. I can drink tea but there is not much caffeine there. I may have to bring soda back. It did always help wake me up. Maybe diet soda won’t make me feel that bad about drinking it again. If anyone has any ideas PLEASE share. If there is a coffee out there that does not taste too coffee-like, please let me know. I’m desperate. I have no intention of going off the medication but I seriously have trouble functioning because I get so exhausted. And I hate that I’m considering caffeine because caffeine is not good, especially with these types of medication. I just don’t know what to do.

Before anyone suggests it, taking both doses at night is not an option. The medication does not stay in your system that long. Also if I skip a dose I start having manic symptoms. This makes me forget my next dose and then things get a lot worse. So I need to take this both mornings and at night.

Moving on. I’m feeling much better than I did last week. After a couple days of a depression hangover I snapped back and have been feeling fine since. I really should accept that this is probably the best it can get in terms of medication. I shouldn’t try changing anything because of a side effect that I could live with. Acne sucks, but at least I’m stable. For the most part.

I need to focus on the next step of treatment. The medication is helping enough so that I can function while depressed, and the hypomania has pretty much disappeared. So next I need to work on ways to cope when I am depressed. The medication is not going to take care of it completely, I’m going to have to put some work into it. I also don’t want to rely on weekly therapy. At this point I should be able to have ways to cope myself.

So that is my mission. To start finding ways to cope. Everything my therapist has discussed with me in the past three years… I need to actually try them.

Lamictal withdraw hell

I’m in a depressive hangover. Probably not a real term but that’s what I call it. I’m not exactly still depressed, but I’m exhausted and teary. It takes a lot to focus on my breath. I’m functioning much better though.

Apparently I need to stay on this mood stabilizer. I cut my dose in half for a few days and then cut it out completely. The first few days I was moody with periods of depression. Then when I had stopped taking it I was hit was a crippling depression. I stopped doing school work, I haven’t showered in days. I’ve been doing the bare minimum. It was a pretty normal depressive episode for the most part, but then last night it turned really bad. I didn’t want to think but I didn’t want to go to sleep cause that meant I had to wake up. I kept thinking that I just wanted to go to the hospital but I didn’t want to be an inconvenience to everyone. Eventually I had a Xanax and went to sleep.

When I woke up this morning I felt like I was still sleeping. I woke up at like 11:30a, brought my daughters to school, and went back to sleep. I woke back up at 2:30p and went to see my psychiatrist. When I got there he asked me what was going on in my head and I told him I felt like I was dying. I felt like I came as far as I could and I wasn’t able to go on any further. He put me back on the mood stabilizer and upped the dose of the antipsychotic (his care summary I got after talked about an “outright psychosis”. I’m still not sure what the “outright” actually means). I went home, went back to sleep. Woke up at some point and took my meds and slowly I started coming back.

I’m so tired. I feel like I’m not capable to do anything. I wish I could sleep for a really long time and then not have to worry about picking up the pieces. I need to find the energy to shower.

Things to do instead of self-harming

Exercise

Art project

Write

Hang out with others

Watch TV/Movie

Read a book

Think about how you don’t want scars

Do your make up

Do your hair

Do your nails

Cook

Eat

Listen to music

Play an instrument

Go outside and look at the clouds/stars

Snap a rubber band or hair band on your wrist

Cover yourself with band aids where you want to cut

Go for a walk

Sleep

Play with a pet

Clean the house

Punch a pillow

Knit

Meditate

Go somewhere public

Chew gum

Rip paper into really small pieces

Talk to yourself

Hug a pillow

Scream as loud as you can

Dance

Play with play dough

Count to 100

Learn a new language

Go for a drive

Origami

Garden

Rake leaves

Throw snow balls

Throw socks against the wall

Call your therapist

Re-arrange a room

Play a board game

Watch fish

Go shopping

Browse Amazon/Ebay/Etsy

Hot shower or bath

Pop balloons

Take pictures

Play a video game

Youtube

Or....

Do what I’m doing now and make your own list of things to do instead of self-harm

Appointments

I saw my therapist yesterday and my psychiatrist today.

I made the appointment with my therapist last week when I was having the anxiety. I wanted to see him to help stop the issue snowballing. And even though the anxiety went away I decided to keep the appointment because he had said at our last appointment in November that we should stay in touch some way. The session was good. We talked about the anxiety and he said pretty much the same thing that I came to, that only a small amount of the worries I had were valid. And he said some of the worries were good worries to have. We talked about the episode a few weeks ago with the ups and downs. He was concerned about the level of rapid cycling. Concerned about my bipolar getting worse. I need to be careful if this happens again. We talked about if I was going to keep coming back. I told him that even though I don’t need to come as often as I was, I would like to still come in once in a while. He agreed that was good and said if I had another episode and needed an emergency appointment he would fit me in his schedule.

My appointment with the psychiatrist today was also good. Like all psychiatry appointments it was very short. He asked if I wanted to keep my meds the same as I have been doing so well. And while that makes sense, I wanted to change my mood stabilizer. The one I’ve been taking for two years causes acne and I’m just sick of it. Unfortunately that was the only mood stabilizer that pretty much guaranteed no weight gain. So we’ve decided to come off the mood stabilizer completely. The antipsychotic I’m on should be acting as a mood stabilizer especially for manic symptoms. So I’ll stay on that and the antidepressant and see how this goes. He said if I start having bad episodes again I should go back on it and treat the acne in some way. I’m happy with the plan.

Hope everyone is well. I’m going to get back to school work now. Jazz history… fun stuff.  

Getting through anxiety

I’ve had some really bad anxiety the past few days. I think it started small but then it got to the point where I couldn’t handle anything. Wasn’t depressed yet but was getting close. I worked really hard to fight against it and I did pretty well. I wanted to avoid taking any Xanax because that is just a temporary fix. I wanted to just deal with the problems instead of just putting it aside for a couple hours until the effects of the medication died down. I want to share what I did.

Halfway through the day today I felt like I had enough of feeling like this. So the first thing I did was sit down and made a list of everything that was making me anxious. This already helped because seeing everything written down it made me realize there weren’t as many things wrong that I felt there were. I looked closely at the list and thought about each one and if it was something I could control now. A lot of it wasn’t something I could fix so I pushed those aside. For the ones I could fix now I wrote next to each one what I could do to make it better. Some of the things I had was:

How messy my house was- Stop thinking about how messy the house is and start to clean it. Don’t do it all at once but start off small. This worked very well because once I got going it was much easier to keep on going.

The amount of school work I have- Again, stop thinking about it and actually do it. Make a schedule and stick to it. When I think I want to do something else like watch TV, stop and think about what my options are and what should be a priority. Making a schedule already helped because it made me see that what I had to do was doable, whereas before I just kept sitting around thinking about all the things I had to do.

Dinner time- This has been a major stress for me. So I thought about what exactly was making it stressful. I figured out that I was deciding what we would have for dinner at the last minute. It would be too late to make anything that took a while. I need to plan, plan, plan. I’m telling myself that by lunch time each day I need to decide exactly what to have for dinner and figure out right away what time I need to start making everything.

This was not everything but I think you get the idea. After I thought through all these I went back to the list of things I could not fix. Instead of focusing on the fact that I couldn’t do anything, I tried figuring out why these things were causing anxiety. Just thinking about the cause helped me see that there is no reason to be anxious over them.

40% of things you worry about will never occur

30% are things from the past that’s can’t be changed

12% are needless worries about one’s health

10% are petty worries

8% are real legitimate worries.

Only 8% of your worries are worth it. Focus on that 8% and what you can do about it.

Skipped my meds

It was around 5am this morning. After staying up all night doing homework, writing, looking on YouTube, laundry, I noticed I had a headache. So I decided to go take something for it. Walked into the kitchen, opened the medicine cabinet, and realized I never took my meds last night. Well that explained a lot. I’ve skipped taking my medicine a few times, but I found out the hard way that I shouldn’t do that with my new medication. I start to have manic symptoms. Hence the staying up all night doing multiple things at once. So at 5am I took my meds and within 20 minutes I was passed out. Of course I ended up being absolutely exhausted and had such a hard time getting up. I slept all morning. I couple hours ago I finally got up, got dressed, did my make up (didn’t need to do my hair, did that somewhere around 3am). I’m still very lethargic. I have no energy and would love to just sit all day watching TV. I almost took my daughters shopping. I have no idea what I was thinking, that was a stupid idea and I’m so glad I didn’t do it. So I think today is just not going to be productive. My house is a mess. Thankfully I’m all caught up with school work and can afford not to do anything today.

I don’t have much more to say. I haven’t been that inspired to do much blog writing lately. I have a list of things I want to talk about but I’m just not getting anywhere.

I have an acquaintance on YouTube, Sammi (I’ll link her channel below). She discusses many things including her history with a mental illness. Recently she shared some of her hospitalization records with her viewers. It really interested me and made me realize how much I would like to read mine from my first hospitalization. So I requested to get my records sent to me. I don’t know how long it will take but once I get them I will share them with you all.

Check out Sammi's channel! https://www.youtube.com/user/rawsammi

And it keeps going

I thought I was in the all clear. I was fine during the day. But then, completely out of nowhere I started crying at dinner because my daughters wouldn’t eat. Since then I’ve cried because I dropped something, because it was taking forever for the girls to get their pajamas on, because I had to clean the cat litter. My daughters are in bed now. I don’t want to go to sleep. But I sat on the couch for about 20 minutes just doing nothing because I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So I decided to write. I don’t know what I’m going to do after. I don’t feel like concentrating on anything, I don’t feel like thinking. But I don’t want to sleep.

I really don’t understand why I don’t want to sleep. My mind and body are completely against sleep right now. But I don’t want to do anything. I don’t get it. It’s a very strange feeling.  

Part of me is thinking I should just go to sleep. It’s probably my best option. But then part of me is like “no, you don’t want to do that”. I’m just going to put the TV on. Maybe it will distract me from myself.

Still in an episode

I’m still in an episode. Yesterday I woke up and couldn’t get out of bed. I spent an hour trying to move. Finally I was able to sit up, but as soon as I did I started crying. I struggled most of the day but really pushed myself. In the evening I started feeling better. I exercised, then spent a few hours on the couch watching TV. Around midnight I had an overwhelming urge to wash all our floors. I knew doing so wasn’t good. But thinking about not washing the floors made me start to cry. I went to bed and with the help of my husband and some rain sounds I got on Youtube I fell asleep.

This morning I woke up fine. Got out of the house which was fun. I was tired so took a long nap. Woke up fine, and a half hour later I got quite down again. I also have a ton of energy but I’m unable to focus enough on one thing at a time. I have made a list of simple things to do for the rest of the night. Writing, pilates, some light house work, watching TV. Just trying to find a good balance.

This is new for me. Being so aware of what is going on during an episode. Everything is clear. I’m not confused. However, because of being so aware, I’m aware of how exhausting it is trying to work through it. I don’t know how much longer this is going to last. Hypomanic episodes for me usually don’t last longer than four days. Depressive episodes usually last over a week. A mixed episode I really have no idea when it is going to end.

Ready to pull my hair out

My mind is so all over the place right now. My emotions have gone haywire. I want to cry, I want to laugh, I want to scream. I want to sleep, I want to do things. I’m just a mess right now.

I’m really pushing myself. I’m doing everything I can to keep myself balanced. When I just want to curl up in bed and sleep, I keep myself busy with small, simple tasks. When I feel like I need to do a thousand things at once I’m holding back and trying to do one small thing at a time. It’s a lot harder than it sounds.

I was depressed most of yesterday, around 4pm I flipped and suddenly had to organize our bathroom, and take everything out of our fridge and clean it. I planned the next five years of my life. I had school and vacations planned out, I know in the summer of 2020 we are going to buy a house. I had to bake brownies at midnight. I found an internet game and spent 2 hours trying to get past one simple part and finally pushed myself to go to sleep at 2am. I woke up this morning depressed. Really pushed myself to keep going. A couple hours ago I picked up my laptop and started job hunting. For jobs I know I’m not qualified and ready for. I spent more time figuring out details for the next five years. I have a list of every little small thing I want to do. I decided I wanted to dye my hair now. I had a mini panic attack because I’m not able to dye my hair RIGHT NOW. Now I’m lying on my couch trying to find the will to stand up. Just stand up. That’s all I have to do right now. I feel if I move I may start crying.

I'm depressed

I’m depressed. It started yesterday. Throughout the day I had little patience. Got frustrated easily. I was very teary by the end of the day. Had no energy to do anything. Fell asleep in a messy house, in my gross exercise clothes. When I woke up this morning I didn’t want to move a muscle. I wanted to stay right where I was. It was too hard. I had a hard time, still having a hard time, thinking about today and what I need to do. I need to bring my daughters to school and pick them up. I should shower at some point. I’ll need to make lunch and dinner. I should do some cleaning. Seems tough. I really should go to the gym, but that seems really hard. However, I’ve been exercising really well the past week. The guilt I’ll feel from skipping a day might be too much.

Yes, I’d feel guilty. I have no medium. I either don’t exercise at all or I exercise too much.

Anyway. This is the first time I’ve actually been depressed since starting my new medication. Which sucks. I knew it wasn’t going to cure me completely. That’s not possible. I’m always going to have intense ups and downs. But medication should make these moods less extreme. I’m hoping this doesn’t go much further than it is already. To the point where I’m not completely in reality. I don’t think that’s going to happen. I’m still thinking very clearly.

So, I’m going back to bed for a half hour. Then I will hopefully be able to face the day.

My experience with psychosis

“I ate the laughing bagel. I didn’t want it to talk and laugh anymore. So I thought eating it would shut it up. But now it’s laughing at me in my stomach”.

I found this in one of my journals from the fall of 2006. That was the entire entry. Once I read it I could vaguely remember that day. I remember going to a near-by shop and buying a bagel and bringing it back home. I remember being in the kitchen and thinking that I couldn’t eat it for some reason. I remember spending a long time sitting at the kitchen table with that bagel in front of me. Then I remember being in my bedroom after I ate it and just lying on the bed, not doing anything.

The past couple years I’ve had minor hallucinations, mainly when I was really stressed and/or had bad anxiety. These just consisted of noise. Then there have been two times where I was delusional and hearing voices. Once in December 2013 and again in August 2014. I’ve held back talking about it but I’m going to do so now.

In December 2013 I had a bad depressive episode that lasted I think 4 days. I don’t remember most of it. I know it started with extreme anxiety, quickly progressed to a deep depression, and then at some point pushed me into psychosis. From what I am able to remember, there were times I was yelling, throwing things, and I know I was awful towards members of my family. I don’t know how it actually started, I don’t know if it happened slowly or if it was a sudden switch. But I started hearing two voices. I thought they were mice. And they weren’t talking to me, but they were commenting on everything I was doing. I know when it started I wasn’t scared, but I was annoyed. I think I was annoyed that they were talking so much about me but I couldn’t see where they were. My daughters had some coloring books with mice in them. I colored a bunch of pictures and taped them to the wall. I vaguely remember thinking that doing this could lure the mice out or something. Eventually I became less delusional and realized that this was not real and I was hallucinating. On Christmas Eve I called the on call psychiatrist who told me to go to the ER. I told him that I was not going to spend Christmas Eve in the hospital and possibly be admitted over Christmas. He had me take a high dose of the antipsychotic I had in the house. Over the night it went away.

In August 2014 I had what I believe was a mixed episode. For about a week I had symptoms of both a depressive episode and a manic episode. I know on the Tuesday night I went to bed depressed, and then on Wednesday I woke up in some kind of manic state (I don’t know if it was diagnosed as manic or hypomanic). I went to work with my mind going full speed. And then sometime mid-morning I snapped. I was once again delusional and hearing voices. However this time was different. There were many voices and they were talking directly to me. I can remember it started with them telling me that my coworkers were plotting against me and were trying to lock me up in the hospital. They told me I had to leave. So I left. I think there was a period where I was fine but later it started again when I was home. When it started again it wasn’t just my coworkers that were trying to get me in the hospital, it was everyone. I remember keeping the door locked and having the blinds down. I remember my husband opening the blinds and me having to put them down again. I remember peeking out the window and being afraid of everyone that walked by. At some point I must have known something was wrong cause I called my therapist. I know I didn’t tell him what was going on but he knew something was happening. He had me and my husband come in. I remember having a hard time being out of the house because I still thought everyone was plotting against me. I do not remember much of what we talked about, but I know my doctor knew I was hearing voices. I know he gave me the option of going to the hospital myself or calling the police to have them escort me there. I went to the hospital myself. When I got there the voices got more intense but while I was there it calmed down. By the time I was evaluated by crisis my mind was nearly back to normal. They discharged me. The next morning I woke up completely fine. No anxiety, no mania, no depression, no hallucinations.

Since being on the new antipsychotic that I started in November I’ve had no psychotic symptoms. Not even the minor ones. It’s one of the reasons why I don’t want to have to come off it. These episodes were bad but I know they could be much worse. I’ve heard a lot of stories of psychosis and it really could be more intense then what I have experienced.

I do want to say that during these episodes I was not violent towards anyone. I had no thoughts of wanting to hurt myself or others. I was also never left alone. I was constantly being watched by my husband. I have a great support system around me. The family physically close to me have been present to see this. They know it’s something that can happen. I fully, 100% trust that if something like this were to happen again they would be able to take care of me and get me the treatment I need.

The eating thing

I had my yearly physical today. My PCP has played a large role in my treatment, and I try to be completely honest with her. So when I was asked about my eating habits lately I told her the truth; that I’ve been eating very little. I never eat more than 1000 calories a day. Some days I don’t eat at all. I’m not taking my meds with the 500 calorie meal I’m supposed to. She checked my chart and pointed out that while I have lost weight, it hasn’t been much. Then she went on to tell me what I already know. That starving yourself is a hard way to lose weight because your body holds on to everything it can. I know this. It makes sense to me. Yet I’m still doing it. Food just makes me feel terrible. The feeling of being full is awful. I’m not happy with anything I eat.

I had a bit of a bad afternoon, and I actually felt hungry, so I thought I would “treat” myself to a cheeseburger and milkshake. Surprise, surprise, as soon as I finished the last bite all I could think about was this terrible thing that I just did to myself. I just gained 10 pounds.

Which I know isn’t true, but that’s how I feel. And eating something else is the last thing I want to do, but dinner time is coming up. I told my daughters last night that we would start having proper family dinners where I eat with them and I eat the same thing as them.

Why did I tell them I would do this? I feel like I will vomit after one bite of anything. So I’m sitting here trying to think of a dinner I can make for the three of us. Something good for the girls but also something I can get down.

I need to get out of this habit. I need to find a way to eat a balanced diet. I need to exercise on a regular basis. I’m embarrassed to go to the gym. But I feel that whatever work out I do at home is not good enough. I need to figure some things out.

This is not the post I wanted to write tonight. I have a list of posts I want to do so I was planning on doing something there. But then this happened so thought I would write about it. Maybe I will do some more writing tonight.