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Sometimes I can't shower

Not showering is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I know I have trouble showering during an episode. Never too serious though. Some people can go weeks without showering. I don’t think I’ve gone more than five days.

I know a lot of you don’t get it. I mean, all it is is standing in some warm water while we clean ourselves. Why are there times that we just don’t want to do it? For myself I know there are three reasons.

First, I’m too tired. Everyone knows if you are suffering from depression then you have barely any energy. It takes a load of strength just to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it takes strength just to open your eyes. Every little movement is exhausting. Standing up is difficult. Adding in the trouble of rubbing soap all over yourself is a step too far. And even if you are lucky to have a little energy left, you might choose to use it somewhere else; like eating or paying a bill.

Secondly, I don’t have time to waste. With hypomania, time moves much faster than it really does. I often find myself doing a few things at once. Cleaning the house while trying to watch TV at the same time and also researching graduate schools on the computer. I just do not have the patience to take a shower. Why would I want to waste that time when I could be doing something more important?

Lastly, there is the self-hatred. There are times I do not want to shower because I can’t stand my body. I can’t stand anyone seeing me. Even myself. No way can I deal with seeing myself naked. I am just so uncomfortable with myself. I rather pretend my body doesn’t exist than stand in the shower focusing on cleaning it. It’s just too much.

So those are the three reasons why there are times I do not want to shower. The majority of the time I love showering. There is nothing like taking a hot shower before bedtime. I love going to sleep feeling so clean. And a lot of times I feel better about my body when I know I’m clean. But unfortunately I forget about this when I am having a tough time. Sometimes I just can’t do it.

The most deadliest mental disorder

Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, or EDNOS, is statistically the most deadliest mental disorder, and also the least known eating disorder. A person is diagnosed with EDNOS when they have the symptoms of an eating disorder but does not meet the full criteria of another eating disorder such as anorexia or bulimia. For example an individual may restrict their eating but has not lost enough weight for an anorexia diagnosis.

The risks of EDNOS is just as severe as other eating disorders. Restricting can result in low blood pressure, reduced heart rate, hormonal imbalance, bone weakening, and heart failure. Purging can cause dehydration, heart problems, and stomach rupture.

The reason why it is the most serious eating disorder is because it is taken less seriously by sufferers. Many do not feel it is a real eating disorder therefore do not understand that it is still a problem. These people are often too embarrassed to get help; they do not feel that they are “good enough” to be diagnosed with a “proper” eating disorder.

Getting the proper treatment is also a problem with EDNOS. Because the disorder varies so much it is hard to find a proper treatment plan. An individual with EDNOS will go through the same treatment as someone with anorexia or bulimia, but this treatment is less likely to work simply because their disorder is not the typical eating disorder.

EDNOS is a real disorder. Like any other eating disorder, it is serious. Let us take a look at the numbers. 24 million Americans suffer from an eating disorder. Half of that are Americans suffering from EDNOS. Of those 12 million, 624,000 sufferers will die from a complication of EDNOS. That is a horrible number especially because it is considered not as serious as other disorders. Things need to change. When it comes to education, EDNOS should be taught at the same degree as anorexia and bulimia. It should be understood that it is just as serious, and that there is help available, just as other eating disorders.

I didn't plan to

I did something I never planned to do; I told my therapist my goal weight. The only other person that knew was my PCP. When he asked I told him I wasn’t going to tell him but then he started going off talking about how I was in therapy and this was the place to talk about that. So I told him what it was. He asked what my lowest weight was. I told him that as well. It was less than my goal weight. He said that I was in more trouble if I got down to my goal weight and then continued. He asked me why I kept going.

I did get to a point where I felt I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. The night I stepped on the scale to see that number I told myself that I could now eat. I ate chicken wings that night. After that I started gaining weight (because of a new medication they had put me on), and it didn’t stop.

This therapy session today was very good. He got me thinking in a way that I normally wouldn’t. While I was telling him things such as the reasons I felt I needed to be smaller and what I was trying to prove and why won’t I stop, I felt silly. I was embarrassed answering his questions. I’m not saying this session “saved” me, but it did make me think differently which is a good thing.

It was not completely positive though. He asked me to imagine a perfect world where I wasn’t haunted by this. I was unable to imagine that. He also used “underweight” twice while he was talking. This made me feel good and bad at the same time. I was proud that I had got to that weight. And I was sad that I probably will never be at that weight again. Which I know deep down that is a good thing. I’ve been told I was too thin. My PCP said I looked like an addict. A bit dramatic but whatever. Getting back to today..

As I was leaving he asked if this is helping. I told him that I thought so, I wasn’t completely sure yet. I did tell him that I was trying. Which is something I didn’t really want to do in the past. And this is all scary and hard for me. We are going to keep working on it.

Two days ago I moved my scale to the basement. I was trying to go every other day but seeing the scale every morning I couldn’t help but step on it. So I got it away from the bathroom. I have not weighed myself in two days. It has not been easy. I wonder when I’m going to crack and go downstairs. Hopefully the next time I find out my weight is next month when I’m weighed for my PCP. Most likely I will check my weight before then, but I like to think I can hold on. We will see.