Blackouts

As you know, I’ve talked about not remembering my episodes. I have a very good memory of being a child. It changes when I think about times after age sixteen. The first blackout was during what I believe was my first proper episode. I’ve written about it before; it took place during the summer and lasted about two months. This is what I remember: I played a lot of music, I failed my driving test, I didn’t want to sleep, I found time fascinating.

That’s it. It was the summer before we moved to Ireland. I’m sure it was busy and eventful. I can’t remember when our house was sold. I can’t remember the day we got on the airplane. Looking back it was probably a few days after we arrived that I started coming back. This is very hard for me because I can’t share this life changing time with my family.

Over the next few years there were periods that just don’t exist in my mind. I’m very thankful for the important times I’m able to remember: my wedding, the births of both my daughters, and the early parts of their lives. I have a good couple years that I’m able to remember. Then about 2 ½- 3 years ago it started again. Some of these blackouts haven’t been a big deal. I don’t remember a lot of conversations I had, but nothing major. Then there are episodes that have really hurt those around me. I know there have been more than one time that I’ve said something or done something pretty awful. I don’t know exactly what these are, my family haven’t told me. And I don’t want to know, it would be too hard.

As tough as these blackouts have been, I’ve never addressed them with a doctor. I don’t know why. I’m hoping with my newest medication I don’t have anymore. If it does start happening again I hope I’ll do something about it.

I'm slipping

I’ve hit a wall, like a really, really hard wall.

When I woke up and went to work I was in a great mood. Throughout my shift my mood and energy kept improving and I honestly thought I was in a hypomanic state. I had plans of coming home and cleaning everything. I had plans to also start writing because I decided yesterday that I wanted to write a book and I absolutely had to start doing that RIGHT NOW. I kept making plans and plans and more plans. I felt pretty damn good. Then I came home found out we were out of oil. Then my good mood was replaced with extreme anger. Anger towards myself, anger at the fact that we are out of oil, anger at the fact that we have oil and not a different form of heating. Then I became angry at myself for other aspects of my life.

Angry that I am unable to stick to a budget.

Angry that I am careless with money.

Angry that whenever I do the numbers we have enough money to afford a mortgage. But because of not being able to stick to a budget and  being so careless, we can’t actually afford a mortgage.

Angry that I want a house so badly but can’t be happy and thankful for the great apartment I already have.

Angry that I didn’t have energy to deal with my kids.

Angry that I didn’t want to have to deal with my kids.

Angry that I was snapping at them even when they didn’t deserve it.

Angry that I can never get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I don’t even try to get my kids to eat a proper dinner.

Angry that I have such a bad body.

Angry that I ate dinner.

Angry that even after the stress of having to buy oil I still bought something that could have waited.

Angry that I do this all the time.

Angry that once again I have to get my kids ready for bed alone.

Angry that my husband has work 2^nd shift.

Angry that I found even more financial stress.

Angry that I can’t fix anything.

Angry that I’m angry.

Now I don’t feel so angry. Instead I am sad about everything I just listed. I am fighting back tears. I feel myself slipping. I want everything to be better. I want myself to be better.

I’m sad. I feel physically sick because of the dinner I ate. I am not doing too well right now.

I’m letting my daughters stay up because I don’t want to be alone.

David Granier, Stand up for Mental Health

Anyone who has a mental illness (or interest in the subject) and has a sense of humor. I found this hilarious.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5qLIIfI-ZE

Cognitive functioning

Bipolar Disorder is characterized by shifts of depressed moods and elevated states.

Everyone knows that, right? But how many people know that there is a lot more to the disorder than the changes between extreme moods?

Cognitive functioning can play a large role in bipolar disorder. When I say cognitive functioning I am talking about being aware, perceiving, and comprehending ideas. And also about thinking, reasoning, and remembering. I suffer from some bad cognitive impairment. Not just during episodes, but also when I am euthymic (in a “normal” state). Staying focused is difficult, as is understanding simple ideas. What really gets to me is the remembering.

Everyone has those moments of walking into a room and forgetting what they went in there for. It happens to me a lot. I forget pieces of conversations minutes after having them. Hell, there are times I forget what I was saying halfway through a sentence. Usually I can deal with all this, but with school and work it’s hard to deal with. At school I often forget what the professor just said. I try to take notes but focusing on what I’m writing and keeping up with listening doesn’t work out. I record a lot of my classes. I hate doing anything in a group because I get so embarrassed. The professor may say something that we have to work on in a group, and minutes later I forget what we are supposed to do. If we have a group activity at the end of class and I have this problem I often just leave early.

In the ten years I’ve been working I’ve had a handful of jobs. Nothing that required as much attention as the job I have now. There are times I walk out of the room crying. Not because I’m depressed. Simply I just feel so, I don’t even know the word for it. I just don’t feel good. Talking to someone over the phone and having to ask someone to repeat themselves after they just said something, it just sucks. The majority of the time I feel I’m not able to do what is required of me. And it’s not just talking. Everyone I work with probably sees me leaving for the day with a piece of paper to put in the shredder. It’s because I have to take stupid notes. I may have to copy a name from one screen to the other and I have to write down that name because I’ll forget. Or I google the spelling of something, I have to write that down because it will be out of my head before I go back to another screen to write it.

For anyone who wants to say that it is probably the medication I’m on, I’ve had this problem for probably ten years. I’ve had it on other medications and I’ve had it on no medications. I never really thought anything of it, never thought it was related to my mental illness. I don’t know what started it, but I started doing some research on this and came across a lot of others with bipolar disorder who are dealing with the same thing. Unfortunately there have been little studies on it and no kind of treatment known. For now it’s just something I have to deal with.

Sick of taking up space.

I’m having a not so great Christmas. I’m just exhausted. And have no patience. And those two things do not work well when you have kids, especially on Christmas. I feel like an awful mother. I’m not doing my best to make today a special day for my daughters.

I know what started my bad mood. It was when I got dressed. I bought some new shirts a few days ago and I put one on today thinking that it would look fine. It’s a size that I was sure would work for me. Yet my muffin top is way too obvious. I hate myself. Well I hate my body.

I’m not exercising. But being completely honest (which I’m not sure I want to be), I’m eating little. I just wished the weight was coming off quicker. I know I need to be exercising on a regular basis, but it’s so hard to get going. I always try but I’m so out of shape I just have this feeling of “what’s the point? I’m never going to get where I want to be”. I stop very quickly, and then feel even worse. If anyone has any tips of staying motivated when you are feeling this way, please let me know.

So the good news is I’m not depressed. Bad news is my body image issue is worse than it’s been in a long time. I’m always a bit down about my body, but right now it’s different. I’m not just uncomfortable, I’m angry. And I’m having a hard time holding back from doing something to make myself feel better.

I’m not sure why my body issues and self-harm are so closely linked. I’m sure there is some psychological connection, but I haven’t really been able to put it together yet.

Yeah I’m not doing too well right now. What is on my mind? I’m thinking about how much I ate today. Double what I ate yesterday. Triple what I ate the day before. And I’m angry. Like really angry. And I do not know what to do.

And I know how I’m thinking right now is not right and unhealthy. I also know that part of me just doesn’t care. I don’t care if I’m not taking care of myself because all I want is to be smaller. I’m sick of taking up so much space.

I'm happy

I had a crappy couple of days. But that’s all it was, a crappy couple of days. It didn’t develop into anything more. After one of the bad days I felt I needed to talk, so I drove to my husband at work to talk (already a good sign. I didn’t go home to hide away or kick the wall). When I was talking to him I started crying. He talked to me and I calmed down. Then he told me this was just a bad day, and I was handling it like anyone would. I felt upset, I cried, I talked to someone. And he said I was far from an episode. My head was clear. I knew what I was saying and I was responding the right way. I remember all the details of that day (whereas in an episode I often forget a lot). Also in an episode I have trouble finding things that make me feel better and give me a little push. I found things that helped. Working help. Studying helped. Playing with my daughters helped. Listening to music helped. God, I can’t remember the last time I listened to music to make myself feel better. See, I get to a place where I just give up trying to help myself. I didn’t get to that place.

Why am I doing so well? I know the answer to that. My latest hospital stay didn’t do anything to help me. I’m not currently in therapy. It’s simply the new medication I’m on. I know there are people out there who wouldn’t like this. And I understand that. I should be able to find ways to cope, not rely on a pill. But you know what? It’s that pill that is allowing me to function. By taking that I’m in a place where it is possible to work on the problems I face. I don’t feel bad in the slightest. It’s helping me. For so long I wanted to find something that helped. Something that gives me that little push. Something that allowed me to function the way I should be able to. I am thinking so clearly. And even though I know this isn’t the case, and it may sound a little cheesy, I feel like everything around me is more colorful, brighter. It’s not like I’m looking through a dirty, foggy glass.

Another thing that gives me a push. I recently spent a couple hours talking to someone who was having a very tough time. And although I don’t like that they struggle, and I worry a lot about this person, I liked knowing that I was able to help in some way. In those couple of crappy days I was reminded of what I wanted to do, and it gave me a drive to keep going. Being able to help someone when they feel they are in a place where nothing can help, I want to be in a position where I can help. Even if it’s just enough to get the person home and to sleep.

So getting down to it; I’m happy. I’m motivated. I’m not emotionally exhausted. I’ve been thinking clearly for the last… 46 days. And no, I’m not keeping track of each day. Once in a while I do like to count. It makes me feel good.

Quitting already

I’m in a bad mood. I woke up with this huge feeling of not wanting to deal with today. Like I just wanted to sleep right through it. Not really in a depressed way. More in an angry way. I knew as soon as opened my eyes I was not going to have the patience. It was made worse at work. I work in a job where having patience is extremely important. My job mainly consists of talking on the phone, and it was hard trying to stay calm with people. Then I was trying to work on other things and I was having a hard time concentrating as I am still having some racing thoughts. I was just getting frustrated. When I got out of work I thought I would be better. Nope. Not as frustrated but still angry.

It’s going to be very hard to do this whole DBT thing. And right now I’m talking strictly money wise. Between co-pays and missing work it’s going to cost me about $70 a week. There is no way I can afford that. I don’t know what to do. It’s just making me really, really angry. I finally went through with starting this therapy and I am like, 95% sure I’m going to have to quit already.

I’m so pissed off. Other than this blog post I’m just sitting with my daughter watching a kids show. I don’t want to think or deal with anything else right now.

This is my 100th post. And I hate that this is what I'm posting. It's making me even more angry.

DBT and a quick update

DBT is going to be a lot more work than I thought. They are very strict about coming to the group sessions and the individual sessions. There is homework that they are very serious about.

I have to keep a daily log of:

Self-harm

Thoughts or plans of suicide

Binging, purging, or restricting (because of my history with eating disorders)

Substance abuse

And then there are all these that I have to log as well:

Lost temper

Boredom

Anger

Jealousy

Sadness

Disgust

Anxiety

Envy

Love

Joy

Shame

Thought skill

Used skill

Skill helped

Lying

There are weekly individual therapy sessions, weekly group, and phone coaching. My new therapist is available to me 24/7 for over the phone talks, which they encourage. If I’m having trouble I just call her on her cell phone and she helps talk me though how to cope.

The program is based on coping skills and was mainly built for bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And being completely honest, the whole thing scares me. I haven't really figured out why yet. I’m doing well and I want to continue to do well but I’m feeling very uneasy about it. My therapist (or I guess my old therapist) told me if I’m having trouble with the idea of it, think about it from a professional perspective- it’s a course preparing me for want I want to do career wise. So I’m keeping that in mind.

And even though I haven’t seen my (old) therapist in over a month, it’s hard thinking that he is not my current therapist. I can go back to him in six months when the program is over. But I’ve been going to him for almost three years, it is hard thinking about going an extended period of time without talking to him.

Anyway enough of that.

I’m almost done with this semester. I guess it will be nice to have a break, but I’m so excited about next semester. I’m talking Child Behavior and Development and Counselling Skills. I haven’t taken a class that I actually want to take in over a year. And I’m taking TWO classes that I want. I’m pumped.

Further news regarding my little mental health advocacy work. I’m hoping to expand this website to include more than just a blog. I am 95% sure I am going to the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) convention in July. That mainly depends on finances (it’s going to cost me $1,500). There has also been talk of me being involved in a radio show (thanks again for the interest, you know who you are!!). I also have someone interested in being a guest blogger in the near future. Exciting stuff going on!!

My cats may knock down the Christmas tree

I really wanted to write a post today, but I’m not able to do a proper one. I’m having a rough day with racing thoughts and the inability to concentrate. I felt fine last night, but pretty much as soon as I woke up it started. The first couple hours were not a big deal. I was handling it. But then when I got to school I had a hard time. I ended up leaving class early. During the lecture part I couldn’t pay attention, and during the group work I wasn't doing anything. I was sitting there looking like an idiot. So I left. When I got home I decided to take a break from it and take a nap, which thankfully I was able to do. A couple hours later though it started getting to me again. I went for a drive hoping loud music would help. And it did a little. But I couldn't do that the rest of the day.

And now I sit here. Don’t feel like going to sleep but unable to really do anything. I might try to watch TV but that usually makes me more frustrated. It’s hard trying to focus on something with energy. TV and movies have energy. I could try explaining what I mean by that. But I don’t want to. Maybe I’ll just try to go to sleep.

I have my first DBT appointment tomorrow. I’ll try to write after that.

Trigger Log

I took this off a youtuber I follow. It's called a trigger log. And it is exactly how it sounds; a place to log any triggers. It can be used for many things. In this demo I've made three entries; anxiety, depression, and mania. If you are dealing with any of these I highly recommend using this log. To make it easier I wanted to attach a file so anyone interested could simply download it, unfortunately this blog does not allow it. However, if anyone wants one just email me at mnedoherty@gmail.com and I will send it to you.

Interested in being a guest blogger?

I was planning on doing a post about anxiety but I’m not getting too far. It’s something I do suffer from but I feel it’s different from what other people deal with. I need another perspective.

If anyone has experience with anxiety, whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, and are interested in being a guest blogger please contact me. You would remain anonymous. You can reach me on Facebook or email me at mnedoherty@gmail.com 

Facebook and depression

I was inspired to do this post after a video I watched from a youtuber. He made a lot of good points on this subject.

Have you ever stopped to think about how Facebook actually effects you? I’m sure the majority of Facebook users do not think it has an impact on their lives. And for some people it may not. However, for most people it probably effects them more than they realize. Think about your time on Facebook. How often do you just sit there, scrolling through the home page, just completely spaced out? That home page can be pretty dangerous.

And think about the kinds of posts you see. How many happy, exciting, positive posts do you see? And then how many sad, negative posts do you see? I think everyone will agree that the first is correct for them. Seeing all these upbeat posts from other people, especially your peers, are bound to get you thinking of your own life. And then you start comparing.

“Missy and Joe just got engaged… I don’t even have a boyfriend yet”

“Oh, Missy and Joe had their baby… I’m nowhere near having a family”

“And now they have bought a lovely house… I can barely afford my rent”

Sound familiar anyone?

You hardly ever see the negative side of your “friends” lives. And if someone puts up a negative post, so often they will get a comment basically telling them their life isn’t that bad and to cheer up. Well, to those people who do put up negative posts, I say good for you. Keeping it real.

Facebook can make depression a lot worse, especially when your depression involves feeling not good enough, and that you’re never get anywhere. It also does horrors to your self-esteem. My best advice: if you are depressed, not feeling good about yourself, or just in a bad mood, do not go on Facebook. Sit down, make a list of things you can do to make you feel better and do what is on that list. Don’t sit in front of your computer, spaced out scrolling through those posts.

Now just to flip this over. Facebook can be great. Personally I love it. It’s addicting. I have no plans to stop using it. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing to use it. But when it is making you feel worse in anyway, just stop, even if it’s just until you feel better, whether it’s an hour, a day, a week, whatever. There was once a time where Facebook didn’t exist. You made it through that. You have ways to keep in touch with family and friends. But an acquaintance you had in middle school? You do not need to know what they are doing or thinking if it is making you feel bad in anyway.

So really think about it. I mean it. Take a minute and think about how Facebook makes you feel. 

A Reason

A friend of mine had a facebook status recently talking about how there are people who don’t believe there is a reason to cry or panic unless something has actually happened, and that something is only what society has decided is worthy enough to cry or panic over. From what I see, this is incredibly true. I responded to the status with a comment; that people focus too much on WHY someone cries or panics, when really the focus should just be on the fact that someone is crying or panicking. It should be enough that an individual is feeling that way. People suffering should not feel they need to give society a reason as to why they are suffering.

I do not have experience in what it feels like to actually panic. I’ve dealt with anxiety (and recently found out my therapist actually diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, but I will go into that another time). However my anxiety level is not close to a full on panic. So I’m not going to talk about dealing with the panic part of this, simply because I don’t like talking about things I feel I don’t know.

Depression though… got plenty of experience there. There are a lot of people out there who ask why an individual is depressed, they don’t have anything in their life that should make them depressed. They may not always say it, but they are thinking it. And coming from someone who deals with this on a regular basis, I can tell you that a lot of those who suffer don’t have A reason to be depressed. They are most likely depressed because of everything. Everything is too much to deal with, that is largely what depression is about.

What I’m trying to get at is pretty much this: it does not matter why someone is depressed. It does not matter if something has happened to put this person into a bad place, it does not matter if this person feels they are depressed because of absolutely everything. What matters is this person is feeling that way. And that really should be enough.

A bit about my first hypomanic episode and education

What I feel was my first hypomanic episode happened when I was 16. It was during the summer and lasted about 2 months. During this period I slept very little. I was more active, especially compared to how I had been the previous couple of years. I was extremely positive. Constantly thinking about the future and planning on how I was going to get there. At one point I decided I was going to be a musician (I have very little musical ability) and practiced playing songs on a keyboard for sometimes hours a day. I think I also took my old violin out and started playing that as well. I was obsessed with time. Often feeling that time wasn’t making sense. Time was either going too quickly or too slowly, but it wasn’t going right. I don’t know how I appeared on the outside at this time, but inside what was going on was not normal. During that period I didn’t feel that something was going wrong. Even with the feeling of time being messed up I don’t remember feeling uneasy about it. And it wasn’t until many years later that I was able to pinpoint that period as an episode.

I’ve been spending a lot of time the past few months thinking about the past. Trying to remember clear times that I was either deeply depressed, or unusually elevated. I want to understand it more. What I’m doing with my blog, and what I’m trying to do through my school, is mainly to educate. Yes I like that it helps me, and I love when someone sends me a message to tell me that I wrote something that has helped them in some way. But a lot of what I’m trying to do is to simply educate. Everything you hear about mental disorders is usually text book, just facts. There needs to be more knowledge out there of what is really behind those facts. Trying to end stigma starts with education, the right education. You can’t fully understand exactly what someone with a mental disorder is going through. Even if you have a mental disorder yourself, you’ll never know exactly how another person with a mental disorder feels. But I think on some level, people need to understand how it is possible to feel the way these people feel.

I can’t educate everyone about these disorders. I’m only one person. I also only know what a couple disorders are like compared to all the mental disorders that are currently recognized. But I’m trying my best to get the information out there.

Racing thoughts

I’ve been dealing with a bit of hypomania the last few days. At first I was a little upset, thinking that this new medication, which is used primary for mania, wasn’t working. However it quickly became clear that this wasn’t progressing to where it normally would; meaning the meds were probably helping. I didn’t have many physical symptoms. Possibly the strongest sign of one of these episodes is that I do a major cleaning of our house. Didn’t do that. I also usually have a hard time standing still, especially at work where I’m supposed to sit at a desk for eight hours. Didn’t do that. My symptoms this time came down to two things. Decreased need for sleep; staying up late, waking up early. And racing thoughts.

That is the one that is hard to deal with, the racing thoughts. That’s really the one that makes these episodes hypomanic. When I first talked to my psychiatrist about these high periods he had me explain my symptoms and what it was like. He didn’t seem concerned until he asked if I had racing thoughts. When I told him about that he found this to be a “problem”, something that needed to be worked on.

What are racing thoughts exactly? I tried my best to come up on my own with what it’s like. And maybe in a normal state I could do that. However as I type this I am having racing thoughts. From someone else it looks like I’m sitting at my laptop just typing a blog post. Really what’s going on is I’m doing some serious multitasking. The thoughts that I am having take pretty much all my focus. Writing this post is taking a very long time because it can take me ten minutes to finish a sentence. Up to this point I’ve worked on this post for two hours. Right now I can’t describe it any more than that, so I found two websites that explained it pretty well.

“Racing thoughts are not just "thinking fast." They are thoughts that just won't be quiet; they can be in the background of other thoughts or take over a person's consciousness; they can gallop around in the sufferer's head like a carousel gone out of control.

Before knowing anything about bipolar disorder, I called this sensation "racy brain." Thoughts and music would be zooming through my head so fast that sometimes I wanted to scream. If it was going on at bedtime, it could take me an hour or more of concentrating on word games to get myself to sleep. Components of racing thoughts can include music, snatches of conversation from movies or television or books, one's own voice or other voices repeating a phrase or sentences again and again, or even rhythms of pressure without any "sound" in the thought.”

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_racethought.htm

And

”Racing thoughts may be experienced as background or take over a person's consciousness. Thoughts, music, and voices might be zooming through one's mind as they jump tangentially from one to the next.^[3] There also might be a repetitive pattern of voice or of pressure without any associated "sound". It is a very overwhelming and irritating feeling, and can result in losing track of time.

Racing thoughts differs in manifestation according to the individual's perspective. These manifestations can vary from unnoticed or minor distractions to debilitating stress, preventing the sufferer from maintaining a thought.^[4]

Generally, racing thoughts are described by an individual who has had an episode as an event where the mind uncontrollably brings up random thoughts and memories and switches between them very quickly. Sometimes they are related, as one thought leads to another; other times they seem completely random. A person suffering from an episode of racing thoughts has no control over his or her train of thought and it stops them from focusing on one topic or prevents sleeping.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racing_thoughts

Last night I tried some visual meditation-like exercises which took a little while to get into, however I ended up falling asleep. Which is good. Tonight however I need to really study for my math test on Tuesday. Which is a very difficult thing to do with racing thoughts. I need to find a way to calm them while staying awake to get some serious studying done. My instructor has offered me a medical extension because of everything that’s happened in the past month. I was trying not to use it, however depending on how tonight goes I may have to. I need to let her know by tomorrow night if I’m taking the extension.

I need to go try to get some work done. Laters.

Also I don't know what this post turns weird half way through. I can't figure it out.

Memories

You know how smell can trigger some major memories? I need to get a new face moisturizer.

I only need to moisturize my face in the winter, because of the dry air. So this week I started to use the moisturizer I used last winter. And no matter what else happened last winter, the only thing I can think of when I smell it is the episode I had last Christmastime. And I have these horrible memories rush screaming into my head.

I don’t remember much about that episode. When I think back to it I feel mainly confusion. And also anger and fear. In those horrible four days I was just lost.

I’m on a mission. A mission not to have one of those episodes again.  

Different types of Bipolar disorder, and an update!

EVERYONE! Stop what you’re doing and prepare for some learning!

I’m just kidding, keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing.

This is however, going to be a bit of an educational post. Hopefully at least one person reading finds it interesting. I am going to talk about the different types of bipolar disorder. Yes, there are different types.

Bipolar disorder is basically classed in three different ways: Bipolar type 1, Bipolar type 2, Bipolar not otherwise specified.

Bipolar type 1: For a bipolar type 1 diagnosis one would have to have had at least one manic or mixed episode. I’m not going to go into what makes a manic episode cause I’m sure you all have a very good and accurate idea. However for those of you who do not know what a mixed episode is, it is an episode where there are both manic symptoms and depressive symptoms. You only have to have one manic or mixed episode in order to get a bipolar type 1 diagnosis. You don’t even need to have had a depressive episode. Bipolar type 1 is all about the mania.

Bipolar type 2: This kind is defined as having recurrent major depressive episodes with hypomanic episodes. Hypomania is mania, but less extreme. With hypomania you are still able to function, whereas with full blown mania it becomes difficult to function day to day.

Bipolar not otherwise specified: This is used for someone who has the symptoms of bipolar disorder but does not meet all the criteria for one of the other diagnoses.

In addition to these different classifications, someone with bipolar disorder could also have rapid cycling or psychotic features.

Rapid cycling: When someone with bipolar has more than four episodes a year. Believe it or not, and a lot of people don’t know this, but someone who has a “regular” bipolar diagnosis has less than four episodes in a year.

Psychotic features: When someone with bipolar also experiences psychotic features along with an episode, either manic or depressive. Psychotic features would include delusions and/or hallucinations.

(I have both rapid cycling and psychotic features)

Up until my recent hospitalization I had bipolar type 2. The hospital diagnosed me with bipolar type 1. Which I was confused about because I have never had a fully manic episode. After thinking a lot about it, I’m assuming my diagnosis was changed based on the episode I had in August. In that particular episode, in a space of a week I experienced days of being really depressed, and days of being (what I thought was) hypomanic. My thinking is that they classed this as a mixed episode as I also had psychotic symptoms. So, that is where I got with that.

Enough of that. Moving on to a quick update…

I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in a really long time. I don’t know if it is just a coincidence, or if it’s the new medication already working. I was thinking it was the start of a hypomanic episode, however my thinking is still really clear. So I’m hopeful it’s the medication working.

I met with my therapist today. After talking at length about it, I am most likely taking a six month break from seeing him. One of the DBT programs offered to me was to start seeing one of the program’s therapists and going to a weekly group workshop/meeting. It would be a six month program and I would not be able to see my current therapist. Originally I said I didn’t want to try this more intense program, but after doing some thinking and talking, I am pretty sure this is what I’m going to do. I am going to call tomorrow and ask if I can do that one instead of the other that I said I was more interested in.

Ok, I think that’s enough. Sorry that this was super long!

**All the information I provided about bipolar disorders is from my own general knowledge from school and the DSM-IV** 

I'm back

I haven’t written in a while. I had a bad episode. Not going to go into too much detail though. I think it started because of my decision to stop therapy. The anger, frustration, and sadness I felt just lead to depression. I had trouble functioning, wasn’t thinking clearly, and was pretty paranoid about some things. No real psychotic symptoms but just wasn’t fully with it. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

This hospital stay compared to my first one was completely voluntary though. I really want to stress that. Because I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to make that decision based on how I was feeling. Instead of letting the depression just take over, I decided that I needed help. I went in late Friday. Slept all day Saturday (I was awake for a total of…. 2 whole hours). Slept and read Sunday. And on Monday I went to a couple groups, and met with a psychiatrist and social worker. I was discharged on Tuesday. I was re-started on my regular meds (I had stopped taking them 2 weeks before), and a new antipsychotic was added. They also diagnosed me with a different type of bipolar disorder, which I’m not quite sure why yet. I only found out about it from the discharge papers they sent home with me.

I meant for this to be a little longer and talk about a few things but I’m feeling pretty uninspired. I’m going to go work on school work. I have some major catching up to do as I didn’t do anything for a couple weeks. Humph. 

Self-harm take two- I'm huge

One of the reasons I self-harm, probably the biggest reason, is because of my body. I sometimes get to a point where I can’t stand it. I am so uncomfortable in this body that I need to do something to express that pain. I am huge. I am trying to stay positive that over time I will lose weight. It’s not working. I just feel I can’t deal with this body another minute. I am so uncomfortable. I’m trying to resist the urge to release the pain. I just can’t distract myself.

Short and to the point.

End of therapy?

I am pretty sure I’m stopping therapy. I am not working on what we discuss in those sessions. I’m wasting my time and his time. I’m taking up an hour that could be given to someone who is actually committed. I don’t have the motivation to fix the problems in my life.

Which is funny in a way. Funny in a sad way I guess. I’m working towards helping people in similar situations, trying to get people to understand what they are going through, to accept it, and to get help for it. Yet there is a step that I’m not including in that; and that is that THEY have to work at it. Something I’m not doing.

It’s not like he is giving me tough things to do. Last week he asked me to watch a Ted Talk video he found and smile more. And I promised to follow up on the DBT program. Guess how much of that I actually did.

So today at therapy we agreed I wouldn’t come back unless I’m willing to work on this. My next appointment is in two weeks. So I have some thinking to do.

Psychomotor Agitation

The only way I can sit down to write this right now is because of Xanax.

There are periods where I just can’t stay still. I have to constantly be moving; whether it is walking around, clapping my hands, or wiggling my fingers. I just have to be moving. I cannot control myself. I have a very hard time trying to explain what it is like, but for the first time I looked into these symptoms. I came across Psychomotor Agitation. It usually appears with a depressed or manic/hypomanic episode. I found this on natashatracy.com

“If you’ve ever suffered from psychomotor agitation you can attest to the fact that it is very unpleasant. Psychomotor agitation feels like a grinding of sandpaper against your bones that produces a need for useless movement such as hand-wringing, pacing or toe-tapping. It is annoyance in its highest form. It’s something that cannot be ignored or denied. Psychomotor agitation really takes over the consciousness when it’s pronounced. You can’t rest when psychomotor agitation is present. Your body and mind just can’t seem to calm themselves”

This is how I’ve felt for the past two days. It was bad yesterday afternoon while I was at work. I don’t know what started first, the restlessness or anxiety, but I just working myself up and was really uncomfortable. When I got home I had a Xanax which worked for a while, then around 9pm I took a 2^nd and was able to fall asleep.

Today I got through work pretty well, I think because it was busy so I was focusing on something else. But it’s started to get worse when I got home. I had a Xanax a little while ago which helped enough to be able to sit down. However, my legs are bouncing around and I can’t stop moving my jaw. I can’t look in one direction, I have to keep moving my head around. It’s uncomfortable.

This is different than just having a lot of energy. When I have a lot of energy I’m busy, getting things done, like housework. I keep trying to do things like cleaning or laundry but I can’t even focus my energy on something like that. The only think I can think about doing is walking around the apartment in circles. And that doesn’t even feel like enough.

**I don't know why this post came out funny. I couldn't figure out how to change it back to normal.

  

Happiness and weight loss

I went to the gym today. I did very little. I had no energy and no motivation. I just kept thinking “what’s the point?”. I really feel like it’s impossible to lose this weight. I know I need to work to get what I want, but I just don’t have that drive. Seems easier just to stop eating. Even with that I have such a long way to go. I really wish I was back to the weight I was two years ago. It was the first time in my life where I was comfortable with my body. It just angers me that I’m not there anymore and I probably never will be again.

I know two years ago I was in a bad place. I hardly remember any of it. But the times I do remember I was happy. And that happiness was directly related to my weight. I remember putting on a pair of leggings and being amazed that a size small pair of leggings were too big for me. I remember a co-worker commenting on my weight loss and straight out asking if I just stopped eating. And I remember my proudest moment: when my doctor told me I was underweight. Honestly I smiled. I felt I worked my whole life towards this goal of being underweight, and I finally made it.

But I lost it. I’m not sure if it was medication related. I’m not sure if I actually was just not eating. I seriously cannot remember. The last time I saw my doctor she mentioned that during this period I was exercising too much. I just wish I knew what was it that was working for me so I could do it again.

This post does not have a spin to it. I’m not going to say that I’ve grown, that I’m at a place where I know what I’m thinking is unhealthy, that I’m going to lose weight the healthy way. I would be lying. Am I trying to tell you all something, am I trying to hint at something? Am I almost admitting to something? Possibly. I don’t really know what I’m doing.

This post may have a depressed feel to it. I’m not depressed. I don’t know what I am. I’m feeling a very strange emotion right now.

How family members deal with depression

Depression does not only effect the person who has it; it effects everyone around them, especially friends and family. They suffer as well. I knew this morning that I wanted this post to be about the subject of family members living with a person with depression, however I didn’t know what to write about. I’ve never been in that position. At least not to the degree that my family feels when it comes to my mental illness. So, I tried to do some research about what it is like living with someone with depression. I actually found very little. Found a lot about how to support your family member with depression, but not many people sharing their story of what it is like. Instead of trying to write this post from a perspective that I don’t fully understand, I asked my husband some questions.

Are you able to recognize signs that a depression episode may be about to happen?

Yes, very easily. Overall demeanor is a lot more introverted, motivation to do housework is at a low point, issues about body image come to the forefront, you sleep more and more. Often an episode isn’t far away if I see this but it doesn’t always come.

Do you feel you can help me while depressed? If so how do you do so?

No. Sometimes I try to help by letting you do your own thing. Being around me doesn’t actually ever seem to help. Sisters cheer you up. Anything that’s not “home” works really.  It’s very difficult. I can’t buy you an item of food as a treat because you see it as making things worse if your body image issues are on your mind. I can’t bring or take you anywhere as you have no motivation to do so, and it’s very difficult to go out with someone who’s not interested or down. I feel like people see me as the bad guy if I’m out with someone who is obviously not happy. Yes that’s a self-involved view but hey, its stopping me trying to help you.

How does the depression effect you?

I try to distance myself from everything by playing video games and/or reading. I can forget about everything very easily. If I stop to think about all the bad stuff I just work myself up and get annoyed. And then I bring it out on the people closest to me. I lose my temper quickly mostly when I’m angry at myself for not being able to help. When you are in a mood it probably looks like I’m mad at you – I’m mad at myself cos I don’t know what to do

Do you feel I am getting the right treatment? In terms of therapy and medication?

Maybe the medication is right now, or getting close to being right. In the beginning I knew it wasn’t good for you as it was making you have more psychotic episodes than you had ever had. You wouldn’t remember them afterwards and it made it impossible to talk about them after because you had no reference. I can’t even get mad at you for the things you do or said during the episodes no matter how hurtful they were as I know you were on meds and not yourself.

Do you feel you understand the illness?

No, how could anyone? I know how I feel about it and that’s about it. I’ve been depressed before but it’s different for everyone. All I can do is try to adapt to what works to help you.

Any advice to give others living with someone with depression?

See above answer. Find what works for that person and roll with it. There is no magic fix for mental disorders. If it’s watching Silver Linings or listening to 30 Seconds to Mars in a dark room on your own, whatever works.  And try and make the best of the good days. They make you forget the bad ones.

Any advice on what not to do when it comes to living with someone with depression?

Try not to blame them for what’s going on or even blame yourself for your inability to help. Even though that’s pretty much impossible. Give them the respect to let them find their own treatments and believe them when they say such and such doesn’t work.

My husband was a little concerned that reading his answers was going to upset me. It doesn’t at all. I have more of an idea of what it is like on the other side; maybe that is something that can help me. When I get severely depressed I get to a point where I stop thinking about how others feel. I hope now I can keep this in mind.

Sixty-eight percent of Americans..what??

Soooooooo

Thirty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to be friends with someone having mental difficulties

What????

Sixty-four percent of Americans do not want someone who has schizophrenia as a co-worker

What????

More than sixty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family

WHAT????

WTF??? I don't even know what to say to that, that number should not be that high. I would love to hear from these people as to why they are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family. I want to hear their reasoning behind it. It just doesn't make sense to me. What are they afraid of?

Most likely they are afraid of violence. There is like this image floating around out there of mental illness and violence holding hands and skipping off into the sunset. They don't go together like that. But I'm too tired to get much more into that right now.


So the panel today went well. I told my story, I answered some questions. All that jazz. What was most satisfying was what came after the discussion. Multiple people came up to me after to talk. Some just to thank me for speaking, some just to tell me how brave I was. Then there were a couple people who shared their stories with me. I'm trying to figure out how to put that feeling into words. I don't think I can. I was able to make people open up, I made people comfortable enough to share some pretty personal things. I had one woman talk to me about something she has had to deal with for 30 years, something she hasn't talked about with anyone. It's just an amazing feeling, I don't think I can really say it another way.


Source for the facts above: Pescosolido, B.A., Martin, J.K., Link, B.G., et al. Americans’ Views of Mental Health and Illness at Century’s End: Continuity and Change. Public Report on the MacArthur Mental health Module, 1996 General Social Survey. Bloomington: Indiana Consortium for Mental Health Services Research and Joseph P. Mailman School of Public Health, Columbia University, 2000.

Mental health awareness week

In honor of mental health awareness week I'm going to try to to a post each day this week. And try to include some interesting mental health information.

I had a mini break down at work today. Yeah. I've had a tough few days. On Saturday I got to a point where I physically could barely speak, like I didn't have the energy to talk. Yesterday I felt drained. This morning my head was just filled with such darkness. I just couldn't get these horrible thoughts out of my head. I spent most of the work day fighting back tears, until it reached a point where I couldn't hold it back any more. I just took a few minutes and cried. That's it, just let it all out. I think sometimes that's all you really need. It takes up so much energy trying not to cry, and when you're depressed you barely have any energy anyway. Might as well just cry and save your energy to actually work towards making yourself feel better.

Ways I'm trying to make myself feel better right now. I'm writing, which I like doing. I took my daughters out to eat, my therapist thinks going out with them more often will help make me feel better. I'm going to watch one of my favorite movies in a bit, either Silver Linings Playbook or Pride and Prejudice, haven't decided yet. I'm going to cuddle with my cat. Before I go to sleep I'm going to do some yoga. Then I'm going to listen to music while I fall asleep. My therapist and I worked on this list of things to do to lift me back up and it's the first time I'm actually using it.

Also something I'm doing tonight is preparing for tomorrow. I'm going to be on a panel about depression and I need to tell my "story". I have like 5-7 minutes so need to decide what I'm going to talk about in those few minutes. After the panelists tell their stories they open the room up for a Q&A. Trying to think about what may be asked. I have this fear that I will be asked something and just have no idea what to say.

So, interesting mental health information #1..

According to good old nami.org (national alliance on mental illness); 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder. Is that surprising? I don't think so, seems pretty accurate to me. It's the next part that gets to me. So 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder, two thirds of all people with a diagnosable mental illness do NOT seek treatment. Two thirds. That is a lot of people and that is just wrong. It makes me sad thinking that there are people out there suffering in some way and not getting treatment, most likely because of the stigma.

The stigma around mental illness is unbelievable. It's something that really needs to change.

Depression is hard

Some days this can be real easy to say. It is not a good day. I am low. I am not feeling good. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. Hard to get dress. Hard to brush my teeth. Hard to take my meds. Why bother? They don't seem to do much anyway. Not sure how I'm going to be able to get into my car and drive to work.

Sometimes actually realizing your depressed can be harder than not realizing it. I know I'm down. Because of that fact I know I need to do something about it. This is the part where I actually need to put in some work. Some effort. It's one of those times I need to work on what I talk about so much in therapy.

This is hard. Depression is hard. It doesn't matter your situation, it's different for everyone. But it is still just as hard. Hard to just get through a breath.

Self-harm take one

I share a lot on here. Not everything, but a lot. So I’m going to take a leap here and just say it. I self-harm. I do. Right now it’s not even close to the degree it once was (like taking a knife to school every day and cutting myself in between classes) but on occasion, yes it still happens. I was trying to do some mental health blog/vlog networking last night and I came across a young woman with a history of self-harm. I think she is 19 now and she hasn’t done anything in 2 years. I could be wrong on this. Anyway, good for her.

Seeing this channel got me thinking. I started making small actions when I was 13. I’m 26 now. 13, 26. 13, 26. That is half my life. HALF MY FREAKING LIFE! Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I just stop?

Now here’s the thing. It’s not that easy. Self-harming is bad. Understand? It’s not good, it’s not healthy. Human beings should not feel the need to do it. However. This habit for some sufferers can turn into such an important part of their life. Some of these people enjoy it, it is something that helps them.

Do I enjoy it? God no. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. But I am so used to having it, having it as an option, that it is hard to just stop. It is not something I even think about when it happens. How does someone change something that becomes a part of their life that they don’t think they are doing? Not so easy.

I’m not saying that I’m not going to try to top. Of course I’m going to try. But it is not something that I can simply say “I’m over this”. I have a lot more I can say on this subject but I'll save it for another time.

I also want to take a moment to leave a message for my close friends and family who are reading my posts and getting upset. I love you all, but I’m not going to stop doing this. This blog is helping me in many ways and I’m honestly doing something I love by educating this subject in some way. If what I’m doing is bothering you, I am leaving it up to you to stop reading.

A broken heart

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken?

Walking quickly to the bathroom with tears streaming down your face with your five year old following behind you quietly saying “it’s going to be ok mommy”.

That is what it feels like to have your heart broken. I always said I had my heart broken by a guy before. That was like a paper cut compared to this.

It’s one thing to be depressed. It’s one thing for others to know about it. It’s a whole different thing when your children are forced into this position. I’m not being the kind of mother my daughters deserve. And it hurts. You have no idea how much it hurts.

I’m now writing this in my bathroom because I’m crying again. They are happily in the living room watching a movie and they, hopefully, have no idea that I feel I am falling apart right now.

I don’t want you all to get the wrong idea. I’m actually doing alright right now. Yesterday I had a “crazy” day, I “drank” too much emotion, made bad decisions. Today I am hung over. I’m tired, feeling sick, and forced to deal with these scars. Read into that whatever way you want.

I’m just upset that I’m hurting my children. I honestly try my hardest to do the best for them, but I don’t feel it’s enough.  All I want for them is to be able to say when they are older that they “had a normal childhood”. It doesn’t have to be different or outstanding, just normal. I’m trying to give that to them, I wish I knew if I am.

3:30am

It’s 3:30am. I just woke up after a dream. One that I actual remembered, which if you’ve read past posts you know that I hardly ever remember them. Anyway. I hate when I do remember. It wasn’t a nightmare or even that bad, I just wish I didn’t have it. I think I may over think dreams.

And now I’m up with noises in my head and can’t get back to sleep. I could possibly take a Xanax which may help, but I think it would make it difficult to wake up when I actually have to in a couple hours. I will probably just stay up.

This could mean that I’m stressed. But I don’t know exactly what I’m stressed about. Yes there are a few things in life that suck, but nothing that is overly worrying. So I don’t know. I’ve been bothered lately. I just get annoyed easily. I am at a place that I kind of just want to be left alone. But that also scares me. It’s like I want to be alone, but I want someone close by that can save me if needed. I’m not sure if I know what I’m trying to say. I guess I don’t trust myself to be alone. Even when I’m not depressed.

I’m doing alright with the depression right now. Other than that bit of annoyance I’m getting my mood has been fairly stable. I’m hoping it stays for a while. On October 7^th I’m going to be on a panel about depression, and I rather do it when I’m not depressed. When I first offered to do it I was really nervous when I got the simple answer “you are in”. I started really thinking about it and got worried that I won’t do a good job. However now that I’ve had time to let it sink in I’m pretty excited. It’s another chance for me to share my story and educate people out there. There are going to be reps from the National Alliance on Mental Illness there. Which could scare me but I’m so excited that they will be there. It’s a great chance to make contact with an organization, which could open up more doors for me. It should be good.

My cat is thrilled that I’m awake, he is begging for attention, so I’m going to go. Bye!

Less therapy?

I had therapy today. It was a difficult session. Probably a good one, just difficult.  He asked me what we were going to work on when I start DBT. Other than body image issues I couldn’t think of anything. We brainstormed a couple things we could still do, but we pretty much came to the conclusion that I don’t need to come as often.

This makes me very nervous. I agree that with me doing DBT I don’t have much to do in therapy, but I just feel more comfortable with it being there. I’ve been going for 2 ½ years. It’s a regular part of my life. I just worry about things getting rocky again. Which I’m pretty sure will happen at some point. And I know I can always make an appointment if I’m in a crisis again, but still. Not the same as checking in on a regular basis.

I’m trying to think of more details of what we talked about. My mind is going blank. We talked about smiling, which we talked about a while back. I think I did a post on it. Anyway, the idea is to just smile more, even if you don’t feel like smiling. There have been studies that show smiling can put you in a better mood. I’m going to give it a try. Just try it. What do I have to lose?

I said something that he said was really good. I can’t remember what it was.

I have a feeling that as soon as I post this I’m going to have a lot more to say. I may end up doing another post tomorrow.

Quick update

I’m so tired, and I have no energy. Thinking about having to do simple things like making dinner really brings me down. I just want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep.

My lab work came back normal. Which is good of course, but there is still nothing obvious causing my exhaustion. I saw my psychiatrist today who said the meds I’m on probably are not causing fatigue. He does think that the antipsychotic is causing a lot of weight gain so we’re stopping that. He also upped my mood stabilizer. He said the weight gain could be making me feel sluggish, so hopefully this will help give me more energy. I am happy with this plan. I just can’t enjoy it cause of how crappy I’m feeling.

I’m not tired because I’m depressed. But I am getting depressed because I’m tired. I don’t feel like myself. Physically and mentally. I can’t stop sleeping. I’m even sleeping through my alarms. I’m not doing school work, which is causing me to really stress.

This is short, but I just wanted to give an update.

DBT interview

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day, please take a moment to think about those who have been effected.

I had my DBT interview today and was accepted. I was given two options. 1) A six month intensive program where I would have to leave my current therapist and would be given a new therapist who specializes in the program. I would see the therapist and have group therapy on a regular basis and would also have access to call my therapist when needed to be “coached’ through difficult times. Or 2) A less intense group skills workshop which meets once a week. I’m going with the 2^nd option. I’m not comfortable not seeing my current therapist for six months.

I’m feeling better about the DBT thing though after hearing more about the program. It’s a lot less like traditional group therapy than I thought it would be. There isn’t a lot of sharing, but more about learning how to use different coping skills. I don’t know when I can start yet though. I need to call another person tomorrow who looks after the group for my town to discuss when they may have an opening.

I also saw my PCP today about how tired I’ve been lately. I had blood work done and will get the results tomorrow. She thinks it may just be med related. She is also concerned about the weight I’ve been gaining and said it was most likely due to the increased dose of my antipsychotic (I have gained 15 lbs since it was increased last month). So I’m seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss this. I’m hoping there is something out there we haven’t tried yet that won’t cause weight gain and will also help me unlike everything else I’ve tried.

Withdrawing again

I didn’t sleep well last night. I had things on my mind. Mainly I was thinking about how much I’ve been sleeping the past three months. I’ve been absolutely exhausted. I have to really push through the day doing all the things that I have to do (work, parenting), but then when the evening comes and I sit down to do school work I just fall asleep. I really struggled finding the energy to get through the summer semesters, trying to do the same thing for this semester seems impossible. After spending a good deal of time thinking about it and talking it over with others, I decided to drop down to one class. My advisor once again talked me out of withdrawing completely.

Part of me feels like a failure. But I’m trying not to let that bother me. I’m trying to look after myself. It’s just hard. I hate that I’m always in such a hurry.

I’m feeling uneasy right now. I’m exhausted but my mind is racing. I hate when this happens. I just end up lying there with my mind jumping from thought to thought. At least if I had energy I could keep myself busy.

I’m starting to lose track of where I was going with this post. I really just want to go to sleep.

I need to find ways to get my energy back up.

My overdoses

This is one of those posts that could get me in trouble. So sorry in advanced.

I did a post about six weeks ago where I mentioned a couple overdoses. Two people came to me asking me about them. I had to spend some time thinking about if I was going to talk about this or not.

My first overdose was when I was 18. It was barely an overdose. I didn’t take much and ended up just sleeping it off. I think it was more of a cry for help than anything else. My second overdose was about a year later and took place over a couple days. Instead of taking a bunch of pills at once, I spent 2-3 days not eating or drinking anything, just popped pills. Thinking back it’s hard for me to say that I was actually trying to kill myself, it was more of an experiment of how far I could push it. It was almost like it was out of boredom. I talked about this recently with my therapist who said it was like a suicidal Russian roulette.

I don’t remember much of those days. It just got to a point where I decided it was time to stop and go to the hospital. They ran some tests and then admitted me for liver damage. My first night was hard, all I did was cry. The next morning I snapped. I couldn’t stay still in my bed any longer. I couldn’t stay in that hospital any longer. I was yelling at staff telling them to take out my IV. They eventually took it out only because I tried taking it out myself. I signed myself out against medical advice and went home.

I didn’t last long at home. I started feeling really awful. I tried watching TV to keep myself busy, but physically I wasn’t doing too well. This may sound a bit dramatic, but I felt like I was dying. I ended back at the hospital a few hours later.

As far as I know, only two people know the full details of this (up until now).

Afterwards I was referred to counselling, but hated it. They kept switching me around to different counselors and I would always have to start at the beginning. I stopped going. Thankfully nothing like this has happened since. I don’t feel like it would ever happen again.

I felt like it’s really been the last 2-3 years where I have started to come unraveled, I forget about these older events. I should have worked harder at getting help when I was younger. Maybe things would have turned out differently.  

The weight issue

I’m having a really hard time with my weight. I’ve put on even more weight since upping the dose of my antipsychotic. It’s really hard knowing that I’m heavier because of medication. It’s hard dealing with that little voice in the back of my head saying how I could just stop my medication and lose some of the weight. I was much happier when I was on medication that made me lose weight.

Well, until I was hospitalized. The weight loss thing was great until that point.

The majority of psychiatric medication has a side effect of weight gain. And since I have to be on medication there is no real way of escaping this. I wish I could just accept my body for the way it is, but I can’t. It’s like I’m programmed to want to be thin. I can’t get away from it. And I get so angry that I’m not the way I want to be.

I’ve spent pretty much all my life hating my body. I hate that I’m 26 years old and still so uncomfortable. At what age will I outgrow this and accept myself? I don’t think that’s actually going to happen.

I feel heavy and disgusting. I can’t stand myself. I hate this. I hate that I’m on this medication when it’s not even helping me. 

Taking steps

Today was an alright day. Not great, but not bad either. First day of the fall semester. The start of the semester always gets me excited. I registered for three classes, and all three classes didn’t go that smoothly. My first class was math, and within five minutes of it starting, I learnt that I don’t actually need to take that particular math for my degree. Arg. I was able to switch into the math class that I do need though so at least that’s sorted. Then on my way to my Sociology class I ran into my advisor who, when he found who was teaching the class, said she was intense. So for the entire class I had this worry in the back of my head about how intense she actually is and how I was going to do in the class. Then I had art. Which I decided pretty quickly I was going to drop. As she was talking about all the work we were going to be doing, all I could think about was there was no way I would have time for all this.

One of the things we have been discussing in therapy is what in my life I’m able to cut back on in order to be more stable. Out of the major things, school, work, being a mom, the only thing that I could actually cut back is school. So I’m doing that, I’m cutting back on my work load.

Look at me following through with something discussed in therapy. Aren’t you all proud??

Actually, I followed through on something else as well. I finally set up an interview for the DBT program. It’s next Wednesday. My therapist was very pleased when I told him this today. He did say though that if I’m accepted we may want to cut down on our appointments so I’m not overloaded with therapy. Which makes sense, I get it. But I also don’t like the idea of cutting down on my appointments with him. It just worries me.

For some reason he wanted to talk about the other people in my life, mainly my husband and parents, and how they react when I have an episode. Mainly my last episode. He was surprised when I told him that I didn’t tell my parents the details of that episode. I must have come off a certain way during this talk because he asked me, quite suddenly, how I felt talking about this. I didn’t feel good. He asked why. I told him that I can’t believe I went through that. I am so clear headed now, I just don’t know how it’s possible for me to slip into such a place. It makes me sad. Which I don’t want to be now so I’m going to stop and go do something happy.

Hope everyone is having a good start to September!

Three things

I promised my therapist that when this school semester was over I would call about the DBT program. So guess what’s on my to-do list for tomorrow. Arg. I know I shouldn't be complaining about doing this, I’m just not comfortable with the idea of it. I don’t think I’ll be very good in group therapy. I would much rather do this on my own. But I said I would give it a try.

My problem is that when I’m in a good state, I don’t want to spend time thinking about the dark times. I rather just enjoy things.

My therapist and I spend a lot of time brain storming ways to keep me stable, to generally just make my life more enjoyable. I hardly ever follow through with any of them. I told myself today that I would pick three things to start adding to my everyday life. Just starting off with three things shouldn't be tough right?

Exercise

Eat healthy

Get outside more

I think I can do that. Hopefully the fall semester doesn't use up all my free time so I can get some exercise in.

The past few days my symptoms have been very calm. Maybe this new dose of my antipsychotic is kicking in. I hope so.

B*Witched

I’m not sure if I’ve fully recovered from my episode a couple weeks ago. I don’t feel I’ve been in a “normal” state since then.

For the first time in a while I’m not tired. I don’t feel like sleeping. I want to be doing things. Unfortunately what I should be doing is homework. Unfortunately my mind is not up for that. It has other ideas. A lot of other ideas. I just can’t focus. Even trying to write this. I keep stopping midsentence. And just. I don’t know. My mind goes somewhere else.

I need to paint my toe nails. My cats are cute. There is a lot of noise outside. My house is a mess. I should clean it. I should do homework. In 48 hours I’ll be done with this semester. I’m looking forward to the fall semester. I need to sign up the girls for swimming and gymnastics. I’ll do that tomorrow. Maybe I’ll clean the house tomorrow. I have to work tomorrow. I’m ok with that. I had too much to eat. Wish I had more ice tea. My house is a mess. I want to start cooking more. I want a tattoo. I need to remember to order my school books. Oh wait, I did that already.

^^There’s a glimpse into 10 seconds of my mind. It goes on and on and on. And on and on and on.

Now I have a song from B*Witched stuck in my head. Remember them? I wonder what they’re up to now. Maybe I’ll google them.

A lonely feeling

I’m not mentally stable. My mind does not function like others. I’m not happy about this. I do not choose to be like this. I really wish people close to me would stop telling me what they think is “wrong” or what they disagree with when it comes to diagnoses. No one knows what goes on in my head other than me. I try my best to share, especially with my family and doctors because that’s the best thing to do, but I will never be able to fully express what it is like. And that’s a lonely feeling.

I really don’t have much more to say. Well, that’s a lie. There is a lot more I could say but I’m holding back because I don’t want to start drama. I’m just upset. And I’ve cried enough today so I’m going to try not to think about this anymore.

Dreaming of a break

I am a little worried. Today has been a bit of a blur. The past couple days the noise in my head have been particularly bad. I have been able to function though. Today it got too much while I was at work. I ended up going home for two reasons; I had such a hard time concentrating on what I was supposed to be doing, and I was honestly scared this was going to lead to another episode like the one two weeks ago. I tried a Xanax to see if that helped (it didn’t), and took a long nap (which did seem to help). I feel much calmer now.

I’m really hoping all this is stress related. I’m used to having this happen once in a while, but it’d been a lot the past month. It has not been normal. I’m pushing on through another week till this semester is over and hopefully it goes away. If it doesn’t clear up quickly I will probably end up in my psychiatrist’s office again. I have no idea what he will do if this dose of Abilify doesn’t work. I want something that will help but I don’t like the idea of having to try a different medication completely. I think I’d ask if we can just stop my antidepressant as that could be making things worse.

Oh I don’t know.

7 days left of this semester. I have so much work to do. I keep falling asleep while doing it. I’m looking forward to next Wednesday when I wake up knowing that I have a week off of school. That’s a lie. I still have all my philosophy work to get done. But I might actually not do anything for a week. I think I need an actual break.

Man, a break sounds like heaven. 

Hallucinations and supervision

I never know how much detail is alright for me to get into on this blog.

The topic of my therapy session today was hallucinations. This is something I’ve had in my life for two years. Auditory hallucinations. The only time I’d say it got serious was a couple weeks ago. The majority of the time I just hear noises. Someone knocking on a door, water dripping, paper ripping. Random you see. I’ve heard music.

So yeah.

My therapist is concerned that even though my antipsychotic dose was increased it hasn’t made a difference. It could just be too soon, we are going to see how it goes for the next couple weeks. He said he will try to talk to my psychiatrist to see if the two of them can come up with something. Which is perfectly fine with me. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t have a say in my treatment.

I can’t get into detail about this, but basically something has recently come up in my life that should only affect me slightly. In reality it will hit me hard. I am honestly scared. I don’t think people realize how much I use them as support. As a way to keep me on the right track. I feel I need to be supervised. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this.

I hate this

I woke up knowing today is going to be a bad day. Symptom wise I fell asleep not good. Symptom wise I slept horribly. And symptom wise I woke up feeling pretty awful.

I hate this. I absolutely hate this. I hate that it is happening. I hate that it is happening when it should not be. I hate this.

I have to go to work. Hopefully I will be distracted there. And I have therapy today. Good.