A Reason

A friend of mine had a facebook status recently talking about how there are people who don’t believe there is a reason to cry or panic unless something has actually happened, and that something is only what society has decided is worthy enough to cry or panic over. From what I see, this is incredibly true. I responded to the status with a comment; that people focus too much on WHY someone cries or panics, when really the focus should just be on the fact that someone is crying or panicking. It should be enough that an individual is feeling that way. People suffering should not feel they need to give society a reason as to why they are suffering.

I do not have experience in what it feels like to actually panic. I’ve dealt with anxiety (and recently found out my therapist actually diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder, but I will go into that another time). However my anxiety level is not close to a full on panic. So I’m not going to talk about dealing with the panic part of this, simply because I don’t like talking about things I feel I don’t know.

Depression though… got plenty of experience there. There are a lot of people out there who ask why an individual is depressed, they don’t have anything in their life that should make them depressed. They may not always say it, but they are thinking it. And coming from someone who deals with this on a regular basis, I can tell you that a lot of those who suffer don’t have A reason to be depressed. They are most likely depressed because of everything. Everything is too much to deal with, that is largely what depression is about.

What I’m trying to get at is pretty much this: it does not matter why someone is depressed. It does not matter if something has happened to put this person into a bad place, it does not matter if this person feels they are depressed because of absolutely everything. What matters is this person is feeling that way. And that really should be enough.

A bit about my first hypomanic episode and education

What I feel was my first hypomanic episode happened when I was 16. It was during the summer and lasted about 2 months. During this period I slept very little. I was more active, especially compared to how I had been the previous couple of years. I was extremely positive. Constantly thinking about the future and planning on how I was going to get there. At one point I decided I was going to be a musician (I have very little musical ability) and practiced playing songs on a keyboard for sometimes hours a day. I think I also took my old violin out and started playing that as well. I was obsessed with time. Often feeling that time wasn’t making sense. Time was either going too quickly or too slowly, but it wasn’t going right. I don’t know how I appeared on the outside at this time, but inside what was going on was not normal. During that period I didn’t feel that something was going wrong. Even with the feeling of time being messed up I don’t remember feeling uneasy about it. And it wasn’t until many years later that I was able to pinpoint that period as an episode.

I’ve been spending a lot of time the past few months thinking about the past. Trying to remember clear times that I was either deeply depressed, or unusually elevated. I want to understand it more. What I’m doing with my blog, and what I’m trying to do through my school, is mainly to educate. Yes I like that it helps me, and I love when someone sends me a message to tell me that I wrote something that has helped them in some way. But a lot of what I’m trying to do is to simply educate. Everything you hear about mental disorders is usually text book, just facts. There needs to be more knowledge out there of what is really behind those facts. Trying to end stigma starts with education, the right education. You can’t fully understand exactly what someone with a mental disorder is going through. Even if you have a mental disorder yourself, you’ll never know exactly how another person with a mental disorder feels. But I think on some level, people need to understand how it is possible to feel the way these people feel.

I can’t educate everyone about these disorders. I’m only one person. I also only know what a couple disorders are like compared to all the mental disorders that are currently recognized. But I’m trying my best to get the information out there.

Racing thoughts

I’ve been dealing with a bit of hypomania the last few days. At first I was a little upset, thinking that this new medication, which is used primary for mania, wasn’t working. However it quickly became clear that this wasn’t progressing to where it normally would; meaning the meds were probably helping. I didn’t have many physical symptoms. Possibly the strongest sign of one of these episodes is that I do a major cleaning of our house. Didn’t do that. I also usually have a hard time standing still, especially at work where I’m supposed to sit at a desk for eight hours. Didn’t do that. My symptoms this time came down to two things. Decreased need for sleep; staying up late, waking up early. And racing thoughts.

That is the one that is hard to deal with, the racing thoughts. That’s really the one that makes these episodes hypomanic. When I first talked to my psychiatrist about these high periods he had me explain my symptoms and what it was like. He didn’t seem concerned until he asked if I had racing thoughts. When I told him about that he found this to be a “problem”, something that needed to be worked on.

What are racing thoughts exactly? I tried my best to come up on my own with what it’s like. And maybe in a normal state I could do that. However as I type this I am having racing thoughts. From someone else it looks like I’m sitting at my laptop just typing a blog post. Really what’s going on is I’m doing some serious multitasking. The thoughts that I am having take pretty much all my focus. Writing this post is taking a very long time because it can take me ten minutes to finish a sentence. Up to this point I’ve worked on this post for two hours. Right now I can’t describe it any more than that, so I found two websites that explained it pretty well.

“Racing thoughts are not just "thinking fast." They are thoughts that just won't be quiet; they can be in the background of other thoughts or take over a person's consciousness; they can gallop around in the sufferer's head like a carousel gone out of control.

Before knowing anything about bipolar disorder, I called this sensation "racy brain." Thoughts and music would be zooming through my head so fast that sometimes I wanted to scream. If it was going on at bedtime, it could take me an hour or more of concentrating on word games to get myself to sleep. Components of racing thoughts can include music, snatches of conversation from movies or television or books, one's own voice or other voices repeating a phrase or sentences again and again, or even rhythms of pressure without any "sound" in the thought.”

http://bipolar.about.com/cs/faqs/f/faq_racethought.htm

And

”Racing thoughts may be experienced as background or take over a person's consciousness. Thoughts, music, and voices might be zooming through one's mind as they jump tangentially from one to the next.^[3] There also might be a repetitive pattern of voice or of pressure without any associated "sound". It is a very overwhelming and irritating feeling, and can result in losing track of time.

Racing thoughts differs in manifestation according to the individual's perspective. These manifestations can vary from unnoticed or minor distractions to debilitating stress, preventing the sufferer from maintaining a thought.^[4]

Generally, racing thoughts are described by an individual who has had an episode as an event where the mind uncontrollably brings up random thoughts and memories and switches between them very quickly. Sometimes they are related, as one thought leads to another; other times they seem completely random. A person suffering from an episode of racing thoughts has no control over his or her train of thought and it stops them from focusing on one topic or prevents sleeping.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Racing_thoughts

Last night I tried some visual meditation-like exercises which took a little while to get into, however I ended up falling asleep. Which is good. Tonight however I need to really study for my math test on Tuesday. Which is a very difficult thing to do with racing thoughts. I need to find a way to calm them while staying awake to get some serious studying done. My instructor has offered me a medical extension because of everything that’s happened in the past month. I was trying not to use it, however depending on how tonight goes I may have to. I need to let her know by tomorrow night if I’m taking the extension.

I need to go try to get some work done. Laters.

Also I don't know what this post turns weird half way through. I can't figure it out.

Memories

You know how smell can trigger some major memories? I need to get a new face moisturizer.

I only need to moisturize my face in the winter, because of the dry air. So this week I started to use the moisturizer I used last winter. And no matter what else happened last winter, the only thing I can think of when I smell it is the episode I had last Christmastime. And I have these horrible memories rush screaming into my head.

I don’t remember much about that episode. When I think back to it I feel mainly confusion. And also anger and fear. In those horrible four days I was just lost.

I’m on a mission. A mission not to have one of those episodes again.  

Different types of Bipolar disorder, and an update!

EVERYONE! Stop what you’re doing and prepare for some learning!

I’m just kidding, keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing.

This is however, going to be a bit of an educational post. Hopefully at least one person reading finds it interesting. I am going to talk about the different types of bipolar disorder. Yes, there are different types.

Bipolar disorder is basically classed in three different ways: Bipolar type 1, Bipolar type 2, Bipolar not otherwise specified.

Bipolar type 1: For a bipolar type 1 diagnosis one would have to have had at least one manic or mixed episode. I’m not going to go into what makes a manic episode cause I’m sure you all have a very good and accurate idea. However for those of you who do not know what a mixed episode is, it is an episode where there are both manic symptoms and depressive symptoms. You only have to have one manic or mixed episode in order to get a bipolar type 1 diagnosis. You don’t even need to have had a depressive episode. Bipolar type 1 is all about the mania.

Bipolar type 2: This kind is defined as having recurrent major depressive episodes with hypomanic episodes. Hypomania is mania, but less extreme. With hypomania you are still able to function, whereas with full blown mania it becomes difficult to function day to day.

Bipolar not otherwise specified: This is used for someone who has the symptoms of bipolar disorder but does not meet all the criteria for one of the other diagnoses.

In addition to these different classifications, someone with bipolar disorder could also have rapid cycling or psychotic features.

Rapid cycling: When someone with bipolar has more than four episodes a year. Believe it or not, and a lot of people don’t know this, but someone who has a “regular” bipolar diagnosis has less than four episodes in a year.

Psychotic features: When someone with bipolar also experiences psychotic features along with an episode, either manic or depressive. Psychotic features would include delusions and/or hallucinations.

(I have both rapid cycling and psychotic features)

Up until my recent hospitalization I had bipolar type 2. The hospital diagnosed me with bipolar type 1. Which I was confused about because I have never had a fully manic episode. After thinking a lot about it, I’m assuming my diagnosis was changed based on the episode I had in August. In that particular episode, in a space of a week I experienced days of being really depressed, and days of being (what I thought was) hypomanic. My thinking is that they classed this as a mixed episode as I also had psychotic symptoms. So, that is where I got with that.

Enough of that. Moving on to a quick update…

I’m feeling the best I’ve felt in a really long time. I don’t know if it is just a coincidence, or if it’s the new medication already working. I was thinking it was the start of a hypomanic episode, however my thinking is still really clear. So I’m hopeful it’s the medication working.

I met with my therapist today. After talking at length about it, I am most likely taking a six month break from seeing him. One of the DBT programs offered to me was to start seeing one of the program’s therapists and going to a weekly group workshop/meeting. It would be a six month program and I would not be able to see my current therapist. Originally I said I didn’t want to try this more intense program, but after doing some thinking and talking, I am pretty sure this is what I’m going to do. I am going to call tomorrow and ask if I can do that one instead of the other that I said I was more interested in.

Ok, I think that’s enough. Sorry that this was super long!

**All the information I provided about bipolar disorders is from my own general knowledge from school and the DSM-IV** 

I'm back

I haven’t written in a while. I had a bad episode. Not going to go into too much detail though. I think it started because of my decision to stop therapy. The anger, frustration, and sadness I felt just lead to depression. I had trouble functioning, wasn’t thinking clearly, and was pretty paranoid about some things. No real psychotic symptoms but just wasn’t fully with it. I ended up in a psychiatric hospital.

This hospital stay compared to my first one was completely voluntary though. I really want to stress that. Because I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to make that decision based on how I was feeling. Instead of letting the depression just take over, I decided that I needed help. I went in late Friday. Slept all day Saturday (I was awake for a total of…. 2 whole hours). Slept and read Sunday. And on Monday I went to a couple groups, and met with a psychiatrist and social worker. I was discharged on Tuesday. I was re-started on my regular meds (I had stopped taking them 2 weeks before), and a new antipsychotic was added. They also diagnosed me with a different type of bipolar disorder, which I’m not quite sure why yet. I only found out about it from the discharge papers they sent home with me.

I meant for this to be a little longer and talk about a few things but I’m feeling pretty uninspired. I’m going to go work on school work. I have some major catching up to do as I didn’t do anything for a couple weeks. Humph.