How family members deal with depression

Depression does not only effect the person who has it; it effects everyone around them, especially friends and family. They suffer as well. I knew this morning that I wanted this post to be about the subject of family members living with a person with depression, however I didn’t know what to write about. I’ve never been in that position. At least not to the degree that my family feels when it comes to my mental illness. So, I tried to do some research about what it is like living with someone with depression. I actually found very little. Found a lot about how to support your family member with depression, but not many people sharing their story of what it is like. Instead of trying to write this post from a perspective that I don’t fully understand, I asked my husband some questions.

Are you able to recognize signs that a depression episode may be about to happen?

Yes, very easily. Overall demeanor is a lot more introverted, motivation to do housework is at a low point, issues about body image come to the forefront, you sleep more and more. Often an episode isn’t far away if I see this but it doesn’t always come.

Do you feel you can help me while depressed? If so how do you do so?

No. Sometimes I try to help by letting you do your own thing. Being around me doesn’t actually ever seem to help. Sisters cheer you up. Anything that’s not “home” works really.  It’s very difficult. I can’t buy you an item of food as a treat because you see it as making things worse if your body image issues are on your mind. I can’t bring or take you anywhere as you have no motivation to do so, and it’s very difficult to go out with someone who’s not interested or down. I feel like people see me as the bad guy if I’m out with someone who is obviously not happy. Yes that’s a self-involved view but hey, its stopping me trying to help you.

How does the depression effect you?

I try to distance myself from everything by playing video games and/or reading. I can forget about everything very easily. If I stop to think about all the bad stuff I just work myself up and get annoyed. And then I bring it out on the people closest to me. I lose my temper quickly mostly when I’m angry at myself for not being able to help. When you are in a mood it probably looks like I’m mad at you – I’m mad at myself cos I don’t know what to do

Do you feel I am getting the right treatment? In terms of therapy and medication?

Maybe the medication is right now, or getting close to being right. In the beginning I knew it wasn’t good for you as it was making you have more psychotic episodes than you had ever had. You wouldn’t remember them afterwards and it made it impossible to talk about them after because you had no reference. I can’t even get mad at you for the things you do or said during the episodes no matter how hurtful they were as I know you were on meds and not yourself.

Do you feel you understand the illness?

No, how could anyone? I know how I feel about it and that’s about it. I’ve been depressed before but it’s different for everyone. All I can do is try to adapt to what works to help you.

Any advice to give others living with someone with depression?

See above answer. Find what works for that person and roll with it. There is no magic fix for mental disorders. If it’s watching Silver Linings or listening to 30 Seconds to Mars in a dark room on your own, whatever works.  And try and make the best of the good days. They make you forget the bad ones.

Any advice on what not to do when it comes to living with someone with depression?

Try not to blame them for what’s going on or even blame yourself for your inability to help. Even though that’s pretty much impossible. Give them the respect to let them find their own treatments and believe them when they say such and such doesn’t work.

My husband was a little concerned that reading his answers was going to upset me. It doesn’t at all. I have more of an idea of what it is like on the other side; maybe that is something that can help me. When I get severely depressed I get to a point where I stop thinking about how others feel. I hope now I can keep this in mind.

Sixty-eight percent of Americans..what??

Soooooooo

Thirty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to be friends with someone having mental difficulties

What????

Sixty-four percent of Americans do not want someone who has schizophrenia as a co-worker

What????

More than sixty-eight percent of Americans are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family

WHAT????

WTF??? I don't even know what to say to that, that number should not be that high. I would love to hear from these people as to why they are unwilling to have someone with depression marry into their family. I want to hear their reasoning behind it. It just doesn't make sense to me. What are they afraid of?

Most likely they are afraid of violence. There is like this image floating around out there of mental illness and violence holding hands and skipping off into the sunset. They don't go together like that. But I'm too tired to get much more into that right now.


So the panel today went well. I told my story, I answered some questions. All that jazz. What was most satisfying was what came after the discussion. Multiple people came up to me after to talk. Some just to thank me for speaking, some just to tell me how brave I was. Then there were a couple people who shared their stories with me. I'm trying to figure out how to put that feeling into words. I don't think I can. I was able to make people open up, I made people comfortable enough to share some pretty personal things. I had one woman talk to me about something she has had to deal with for 30 years, something she hasn't talked about with anyone. It's just an amazing feeling, I don't think I can really say it another way.


Source for the facts above: Pescosolido, B.A., Martin, J.K., Link, B.G., et al. Americans’ Views of Mental Health and Illness at Century’s End: Continuity and Change. Public Report on the MacArthur Mental health Module, 1996 General Social Survey. Bloomington: Indiana Consortium for Mental Health Services Research and Joseph P. Mailman School of Public Health, Columbia University, 2000.

Mental health awareness week

In honor of mental health awareness week I'm going to try to to a post each day this week. And try to include some interesting mental health information.

I had a mini break down at work today. Yeah. I've had a tough few days. On Saturday I got to a point where I physically could barely speak, like I didn't have the energy to talk. Yesterday I felt drained. This morning my head was just filled with such darkness. I just couldn't get these horrible thoughts out of my head. I spent most of the work day fighting back tears, until it reached a point where I couldn't hold it back any more. I just took a few minutes and cried. That's it, just let it all out. I think sometimes that's all you really need. It takes up so much energy trying not to cry, and when you're depressed you barely have any energy anyway. Might as well just cry and save your energy to actually work towards making yourself feel better.

Ways I'm trying to make myself feel better right now. I'm writing, which I like doing. I took my daughters out to eat, my therapist thinks going out with them more often will help make me feel better. I'm going to watch one of my favorite movies in a bit, either Silver Linings Playbook or Pride and Prejudice, haven't decided yet. I'm going to cuddle with my cat. Before I go to sleep I'm going to do some yoga. Then I'm going to listen to music while I fall asleep. My therapist and I worked on this list of things to do to lift me back up and it's the first time I'm actually using it.

Also something I'm doing tonight is preparing for tomorrow. I'm going to be on a panel about depression and I need to tell my "story". I have like 5-7 minutes so need to decide what I'm going to talk about in those few minutes. After the panelists tell their stories they open the room up for a Q&A. Trying to think about what may be asked. I have this fear that I will be asked something and just have no idea what to say.

So, interesting mental health information #1..

According to good old nami.org (national alliance on mental illness); 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder. Is that surprising? I don't think so, seems pretty accurate to me. It's the next part that gets to me. So 1 in 5 Americans live with a mental disorder, two thirds of all people with a diagnosable mental illness do NOT seek treatment. Two thirds. That is a lot of people and that is just wrong. It makes me sad thinking that there are people out there suffering in some way and not getting treatment, most likely because of the stigma.

The stigma around mental illness is unbelievable. It's something that really needs to change.

Depression is hard

Some days this can be real easy to say. It is not a good day. I am low. I am not feeling good. It was hard to get out of bed this morning. Hard to get dress. Hard to brush my teeth. Hard to take my meds. Why bother? They don't seem to do much anyway. Not sure how I'm going to be able to get into my car and drive to work.

Sometimes actually realizing your depressed can be harder than not realizing it. I know I'm down. Because of that fact I know I need to do something about it. This is the part where I actually need to put in some work. Some effort. It's one of those times I need to work on what I talk about so much in therapy.

This is hard. Depression is hard. It doesn't matter your situation, it's different for everyone. But it is still just as hard. Hard to just get through a breath.

Self-harm take one

I share a lot on here. Not everything, but a lot. So I’m going to take a leap here and just say it. I self-harm. I do. Right now it’s not even close to the degree it once was (like taking a knife to school every day and cutting myself in between classes) but on occasion, yes it still happens. I was trying to do some mental health blog/vlog networking last night and I came across a young woman with a history of self-harm. I think she is 19 now and she hasn’t done anything in 2 years. I could be wrong on this. Anyway, good for her.

Seeing this channel got me thinking. I started making small actions when I was 13. I’m 26 now. 13, 26. 13, 26. That is half my life. HALF MY FREAKING LIFE! Isn’t that ridiculous? Isn’t that messed up? Shouldn’t I just stop?

Now here’s the thing. It’s not that easy. Self-harming is bad. Understand? It’s not good, it’s not healthy. Human beings should not feel the need to do it. However. This habit for some sufferers can turn into such an important part of their life. Some of these people enjoy it, it is something that helps them.

Do I enjoy it? God no. Hate it. Absolutely hate it. But I am so used to having it, having it as an option, that it is hard to just stop. It is not something I even think about when it happens. How does someone change something that becomes a part of their life that they don’t think they are doing? Not so easy.

I’m not saying that I’m not going to try to top. Of course I’m going to try. But it is not something that I can simply say “I’m over this”. I have a lot more I can say on this subject but I'll save it for another time.

I also want to take a moment to leave a message for my close friends and family who are reading my posts and getting upset. I love you all, but I’m not going to stop doing this. This blog is helping me in many ways and I’m honestly doing something I love by educating this subject in some way. If what I’m doing is bothering you, I am leaving it up to you to stop reading.

A broken heart

Do you know what it feels like to have your heart broken?

Walking quickly to the bathroom with tears streaming down your face with your five year old following behind you quietly saying “it’s going to be ok mommy”.

That is what it feels like to have your heart broken. I always said I had my heart broken by a guy before. That was like a paper cut compared to this.

It’s one thing to be depressed. It’s one thing for others to know about it. It’s a whole different thing when your children are forced into this position. I’m not being the kind of mother my daughters deserve. And it hurts. You have no idea how much it hurts.

I’m now writing this in my bathroom because I’m crying again. They are happily in the living room watching a movie and they, hopefully, have no idea that I feel I am falling apart right now.

I don’t want you all to get the wrong idea. I’m actually doing alright right now. Yesterday I had a “crazy” day, I “drank” too much emotion, made bad decisions. Today I am hung over. I’m tired, feeling sick, and forced to deal with these scars. Read into that whatever way you want.

I’m just upset that I’m hurting my children. I honestly try my hardest to do the best for them, but I don’t feel it’s enough.  All I want for them is to be able to say when they are older that they “had a normal childhood”. It doesn’t have to be different or outstanding, just normal. I’m trying to give that to them, I wish I knew if I am.

3:30am

It’s 3:30am. I just woke up after a dream. One that I actual remembered, which if you’ve read past posts you know that I hardly ever remember them. Anyway. I hate when I do remember. It wasn’t a nightmare or even that bad, I just wish I didn’t have it. I think I may over think dreams.

And now I’m up with noises in my head and can’t get back to sleep. I could possibly take a Xanax which may help, but I think it would make it difficult to wake up when I actually have to in a couple hours. I will probably just stay up.

This could mean that I’m stressed. But I don’t know exactly what I’m stressed about. Yes there are a few things in life that suck, but nothing that is overly worrying. So I don’t know. I’ve been bothered lately. I just get annoyed easily. I am at a place that I kind of just want to be left alone. But that also scares me. It’s like I want to be alone, but I want someone close by that can save me if needed. I’m not sure if I know what I’m trying to say. I guess I don’t trust myself to be alone. Even when I’m not depressed.

I’m doing alright with the depression right now. Other than that bit of annoyance I’m getting my mood has been fairly stable. I’m hoping it stays for a while. On October 7^th I’m going to be on a panel about depression, and I rather do it when I’m not depressed. When I first offered to do it I was really nervous when I got the simple answer “you are in”. I started really thinking about it and got worried that I won’t do a good job. However now that I’ve had time to let it sink in I’m pretty excited. It’s another chance for me to share my story and educate people out there. There are going to be reps from the National Alliance on Mental Illness there. Which could scare me but I’m so excited that they will be there. It’s a great chance to make contact with an organization, which could open up more doors for me. It should be good.

My cat is thrilled that I’m awake, he is begging for attention, so I’m going to go. Bye!