Sometimes I can't shower

Not showering is a common problem for people with a mental illness. I know I have trouble showering during an episode. Never too serious though. Some people can go weeks without showering. I don’t think I’ve gone more than five days.

I know a lot of you don’t get it. I mean, all it is is standing in some warm water while we clean ourselves. Why are there times that we just don’t want to do it? For myself I know there are three reasons.

First, I’m too tired. Everyone knows if you are suffering from depression then you have barely any energy. It takes a load of strength just to get out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it takes strength just to open your eyes. Every little movement is exhausting. Standing up is difficult. Adding in the trouble of rubbing soap all over yourself is a step too far. And even if you are lucky to have a little energy left, you might choose to use it somewhere else; like eating or paying a bill.

Secondly, I don’t have time to waste. With hypomania, time moves much faster than it really does. I often find myself doing a few things at once. Cleaning the house while trying to watch TV at the same time and also researching graduate schools on the computer. I just do not have the patience to take a shower. Why would I want to waste that time when I could be doing something more important?

Lastly, there is the self-hatred. There are times I do not want to shower because I can’t stand my body. I can’t stand anyone seeing me. Even myself. No way can I deal with seeing myself naked. I am just so uncomfortable with myself. I rather pretend my body doesn’t exist than stand in the shower focusing on cleaning it. It’s just too much.

So those are the three reasons why there are times I do not want to shower. The majority of the time I love showering. There is nothing like taking a hot shower before bedtime. I love going to sleep feeling so clean. And a lot of times I feel better about my body when I know I’m clean. But unfortunately I forget about this when I am having a tough time. Sometimes I just can’t do it.