I didn't plan to

I did something I never planned to do; I told my therapist my goal weight. The only other person that knew was my PCP. When he asked I told him I wasn’t going to tell him but then he started going off talking about how I was in therapy and this was the place to talk about that. So I told him what it was. He asked what my lowest weight was. I told him that as well. It was less than my goal weight. He said that I was in more trouble if I got down to my goal weight and then continued. He asked me why I kept going.

I did get to a point where I felt I didn’t need to lose anymore weight. The night I stepped on the scale to see that number I told myself that I could now eat. I ate chicken wings that night. After that I started gaining weight (because of a new medication they had put me on), and it didn’t stop.

This therapy session today was very good. He got me thinking in a way that I normally wouldn’t. While I was telling him things such as the reasons I felt I needed to be smaller and what I was trying to prove and why won’t I stop, I felt silly. I was embarrassed answering his questions. I’m not saying this session “saved” me, but it did make me think differently which is a good thing.

It was not completely positive though. He asked me to imagine a perfect world where I wasn’t haunted by this. I was unable to imagine that. He also used “underweight” twice while he was talking. This made me feel good and bad at the same time. I was proud that I had got to that weight. And I was sad that I probably will never be at that weight again. Which I know deep down that is a good thing. I’ve been told I was too thin. My PCP said I looked like an addict. A bit dramatic but whatever. Getting back to today..

As I was leaving he asked if this is helping. I told him that I thought so, I wasn’t completely sure yet. I did tell him that I was trying. Which is something I didn’t really want to do in the past. And this is all scary and hard for me. We are going to keep working on it.

Two days ago I moved my scale to the basement. I was trying to go every other day but seeing the scale every morning I couldn’t help but step on it. So I got it away from the bathroom. I have not weighed myself in two days. It has not been easy. I wonder when I’m going to crack and go downstairs. Hopefully the next time I find out my weight is next month when I’m weighed for my PCP. Most likely I will check my weight before then, but I like to think I can hold on. We will see.